Tripleloop

Blogging 3:1

2010-10-04T03:55:00.001-07:00

Sleep seems to be "optional" for me these days. Don't know if it's age or a consequence of the aromatase inhibitor I'm taking. In any case, I don't sleep that well. But at least I used my "free time" to catch up on twitter. A tweet from AbelPharmboy led me to this article about science blogging by women in Seed magazine. It shows that in the blogosphere,

Despite the fact that women are getting science PhDs in nearly the same numbers as men, they are blogging much less

I have a simple theory about this......time. Maybe I'm just "time-challenged" but if I'm going to blog about something, I need to find the time to read, organize my thoughts and write the blog. This has to happen (at least for me) very late at night or very early in the morning. You see, when I get home after full work day at my science job (usually after picking the kids up from afterschool), I walk in the door, drop my bags and go straight to the kitchen to make dinner for the family - SciDad, SciYing and SciYang. Now that SciKids both have homework, this is happening at the kitchen table while I'm cooking. When dinner is over and SciDad cleans up the dishes, I'm getting dessert. Then the kids go off to their thing, and SciDad sits down to do his stuff. I'm have school necessities, grocery lists, laundry needs, planning the next day's schedule, filling out all kinds of paperwork and forms for this and that (Girl Scouts, medical forms, school event tickets etc. etc) to handle. By the time I can actually sit down, there are work emails and such to answer or act on. If I want to read my RSS feeds, twitter posts or interesting blog posts, it's now 10pm or later. I don't usually get to bed until midnight and then it starts all over again early the next morning.

So I personally think part of the discrepancy in numbers of women blogging vs. men (and it's just my opinion) is that women with families don't have the time to blog. Many of the science women blogs I follow can have weeks or months between posts. If other women have a solution to finding the time, I'd be open to trying it.

Hitting my stride

2010-08-12T18:46:00.001-07:00

Finally, I feel like I'm hitting my stride at work. I've learned an enormous amount about sequencing and targeted resequencing. I've got a handle on all the projects, what they need, where the problems are, and how to approach them. I have one manager that needs hand holding and one that doesn't. I've got a great group of 25 technicians who are happy and working hard. I feel like I'm contributing again to science which is really all that I wanted. There's a clarity in my thinking that was missing for the past few years. I don't know if it was part chemobrain or part being away from science but I'm glad the "fog" is lifting.

I also decided to play on the work softball team. I haven't swung a bat in 13 years, and it showed. But I had a blast and it made me remember how much I loved playing softball. Of course, it was 99 degrees and 90 % humidity and I almost heatstroked, but it still felt good. These are all the little parts of "me" that got lost somewhere in the last 10 years. I hope they're back for good.

Perspective

2010-07-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

Things have been fairly stressful at work. We are very busy, there are a lot of impending deadlines as well as large projects that are coming on line that we're not quite ready for. For the last two weeks there have been a bunch of emergency meetings, with messages on my phone saying "Things don't look good, come up for a meeting". In my position, what my group does somewhat dictates what the results will be, so the first place scrutiny is placed is with my group. When things are going well, it's great to be "the king"; when they're not, it's not so fun.

My biggest challenge these days is trying to manage the stress with a calm approach. I think what my life has taught me in the last few years, is that you have to take it one day at a time. Perspective is huge for me. The two people I work closest with go from crisis to crisis, like a sine wave. I can't do that anymore. I too want the kudos of getting a really important project through with terrific results and successfully competing against our closest rivals. But mostly, I want to be with my family, be happy, and live life to the fullest.

I hope this approach to life isn't perceived as "not caring" about my job, something I worry about in the environment I work in. I work very hard when I'm at work and most nights for some time as well. But ultimately, I won't define myself by my job - I never have.

Still Here

2010-07-18T04:32:00.001-07:00

It's the wee hours of the morning and I decided to check back in with my blog. I want to get back to writing on this blog but quite frankly, most of the time, I'm not sure what I write is of any interest to anyone but me. Lots has happened since the last February post. SciDad is now in a high level administrative position - very exciting, but will take him away from the family a lot traveling worldwide, I had a bit of medical scare related to my tamoxifen treatment that required some outpatient surgery, we still haven't been able to finance the building of our new LEED certified house which is incredibly frustrating, we've hired a part-time nanny to help with the kids as well as errands during the week and I'm thinking about going back to doing some figure skating coaching. I'm trying also to help the Army of Women recruit for Breast Cancer Research projects but having trouble finding the time. Plus I'm turning 50 this year and with that comes all of those insecurities about aging. Should be a lot to talk about....even if it's just to help me sort it all out.

Conflicted

2010-02-02T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today I spent writing parts of a grant under the gun - stressed. As I was emailing colleagues for information, fielding questions regarding the daily job I should be doing, and reading the 5th incomplete version of the grant to see where my initials have been put as owner of the words that should be there, I had this deja vu. Isn't this situation part of the reason why I left traditional academics in the first place?

At the same time, I just asked for my promised promotion from Instructor to Assistant Professor. Yes, I willingly demoted myself two ranks from Associate Professor to Instructor to take on my current job. I don't regret it in the least because I know I made the right decision in taking this job. But my ego tells me I should at least get back to Assistant Professor after all. But do I really want all the "stuff" that comes along with an academic position?

Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No......

The Army of Women

2010-01-30T06:38:00.000-08:00

Today I'm going to one of the Avon Great Start Parties that they throw in preparation for their 3 day walk for Breast Cancer later this spring. I'm going to be volunteering at a table to sign women up for the Army of Women. What's this? It's a national effort by Avon and the Susan Love Foundation to sign up 1 million women who would be willing to participate in studies to learn more about the causes of breast cancer as well as women's health in general. Any women 18 years or older can join. So far 350,000 women nationwide have joined, including me! Many scientific studies are hindered by the inability to get together large enough groups of women to make a study's findings significant. And most importantly, you can choose to join or not join any study that you qualify for. You are in total control. Qualifications range from being in a certain city to being a breast cancer survivor or being a member of a minority population, for example. Some studies are questionnaire-based, others may ask for a biological samples such a blood. I've already been part of one that looks at the issues women face following treatment for breast cancer. These studies are all scientifically reviewed and funded prior to being accepted by the Army of Women. For those of us that have been touched by this disease, I ask you to consider joining this Army. For more information and to sign up, please go to:

www.armyofwomen.org. As a cancer researcher and a breast cancer survivor with a young daughter, I'm asking you to consider joining, for my daughter's generation and every women who will be touched by this disease.

There's humor in science - no really.

2009-08-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

One thing I miss since leaving academia - science humor. Despite SciDad, who's wit often make me laugh, I appreciate the NCBI ROFL website, which I came across while reading A mad tea party's blog, where the wonders of scientific research are scooped from PubMed. Enjoy!

Big worries for little people

2009-07-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

For some reason, and I'm not sure why, my little ones seem to be thinking about death a lot. It might be age-appropriate but when the subject comes up, it's really difficult for me to have the balanced reaction to it that other mothers might have who haven't faced a cancer diagnosis. As I was putting my daughter to bed the other night, my 5 3/4 year old (as she describes herself these days) said "Mommy, I'm afraid you're going to die". I asked her why she was thinking about this and she said "Because you're 48. And then you will be 50, then 60, then 70,80,90 and 100 and then you're going to die. Oh I'm scared...." and then she covered her eyes. I am an older mother and her only distant reference for death was her great grandmother who died at 101. Still, as I assured her that we had many years together, a part of me felt like a liar because in all reality, I don't know how long I have left. It may be many many years - or not that many. I realize no one knows their future but each day I wake up, I'm aware that this might be the day that I find out my days are limited. I do a pretty good job of living in the moment. I do that for the whole family. For my daughter and my son, I'm sad that they have to experience life's difficulties at such a young age because of me. I hate that they think about death so much at 7 and almost 6 years of age. These moments cut me to the core. It forces all those raw fears to the surface. I'll tuck them away again and move forward. I have to......for them.

Someone gets it!

2009-07-25T19:46:00.001-07:00

I was sitting with a potential customer a few days ago, a very senior investigator who was interested in purchasing some equipment. I was in this meeting with one of our service engineers who had brought this potential lead to my attention. Somewhere in the discussion, the service engineer mentioned I had a PhD and then asked me where I had received it. When I told him it was from M.I.T., the investigator immediately said "And you're doing this?" with regards to my sales job. But before I could respond he then pointed and said, "You have young children, don't you?" I smiled and said "Yes". He got it. Rather than looking down on me and making negative assumptions, he regarded me as someone who had most likely made a difficult decision for the sake of the family. He was right. I appreciated that.

Just Keep Hangin' On

2009-07-25T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a challenging couple of months. For those of you that have followed this blog, you will know that in January I was laid off of the technical sales position that I had left 17 years of academic research experience for. The reasons for that are the same reasons women drop out of the leaky pipeline every day - family responsibilities and a need for flexibility. In the moment that I was let go from the company, a general sales position in my home town with the same company became available and given the current economic crisis, I took it, begrudgingly with the goal of leaving it as soon as I could find another position in academic administration or in technical sales. I have been bored ever since but have been struggling to stay focused and to do a decent job at something that does not interest me.

How do I know that I don't want to stay in this job? Well for one thing, there's no science involved. It doesn't challenge my mind like my academic and technical sales jobs had. Most telling though, the question I asked myself: Would I have left academics to do this job? My response is always a resounding "No".

So here I am 6 months later. I did not get the academic administrative position I really wanted. I have not been called for several technical sales positions that I would be perfect for. I am still in a position that I had hoped to be out of by now. What am I doing? I'm hanging on. It's the first time in my life I have had a job that bores me. But I need to stay in it for the financial stability of the family. Sometimes this is a problem because of my cancer diagnosis in 2007. I think "Why am I wasting my time doing something I don't like?" Then I think about the kids and the finances. It's a position most likely many Americans are in these days. So I suck it up and keep trudging along.

Each day I am challenged to maintain a part of my "self worth". It's fortunate that I never completely defined myself by my science. As my description for this blog says, I'm a scientist, mother, skater and cancer survivor as well as a wife and daughter. Still I miss the purpose my academic position gave to my life. I miss the respect that I had with that position. I consider myself a strong individual but the continuation in this job wears even on me.

So I think about the good of the family and I just keep hangin' on. I hope that better things are just around the corner.

Catching Up

2009-04-26T03:54:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since the last blog entry so I'm going to bullet point it to catch up:

The family traveled back to New England for my parent's 51st Anniversary party. The 50th party had been postponed from last year because my treatment didn't allow me to travel and even if it did, I was in no shape to do so. It was a really nice event. I saw uncles and aunts, cousins and friends that I haven't seen in years and most likely, won't again due to some of their advanced ages. My sister did most of the work as often happens with those children that live close by and she did a great job as usual. My parents entire wedding party was there (!), minus my aunt who was a bridesmaid, as she passed away several years ago. The kids met cousins they've only seen in pictures and they really enjoyed visiting Grandma and Papou's house. SciDad took some awesome photos at the party and this entry reminds me that I'm supposed to be putting together a sort of memory book from the event - ugh, add to long "when will I ever find the time to do this" list. On the way back I forgot SciYang's booster seat which cost $50 to UPS back to us. I remain impressed still at how well SciYing and SciYang travel. Only thing we missed doing was going to a sugaring shack to watch them make maple syrup. The weather was too cold for the sap to run and the big sugaring weekend was the one after we left. Maybe next year.

Aloha! My best friend and I went to The Big Island, Hawaii for my company's week long retreat (see blog entry The Twists and Turns of Life ). I had a great time and despite missing the SciKids and SciDad, I really enjoyed the break. It is the first time ever since having children that I've gone somewhere where the objective was to relax and have fun. We stayed at a great resort, and the company gave us $1000 in spending money (which was just about enough to cover our food for the week; breakfast at this resort for two was $80!) The highlight was the helicopter ride around the island, over the still active volcano and along the ocean shoreline. Probably a once in a lifetime experience. I met a lot of people in the company that I wouldn't have otherwise had the opportunity to meet and in the end, was so glad to have the opportunity to go.

I've made my reconstruction decision and in June, I will have breast implant surgery. Despite having had radiation and risking that this implant will only be a temporary "fix", since my surgery last year I've never waivered in my feelings towards reconstruction. I know that the more complicated surgeries to move fat and muscle from the abdomen to the breast would give me a more natural look and probably last longer, I don't want to have 6 weeks of recovery right now. My life is busy. I'm enjoying my children's activities, I'm working - I'm living..... I think SciDad still supports this decision because it's what I want. typically, where I received treatment, they won't do implants after radation because of the possible scarring and mis-shaping that can occur in a short period of time. But my surgeon, who SciDad knows academically, has agreed to do it this one time. I'm glad I waited a year to officially decide because I'm confident it's right for me right now. And as I learned in 2008, you just take it one day at a time...

It's freezing all around us

2009-03-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

My interview for that academic administration job has now officially been cancelled. Just as I was starting to get excited about meeting and interviewing with all the important decision makers, the Institution went into "freeze mode". By that I mean a hiring freeze was put in place across the board. Apparently you can't even hire in a postdoc that you have funding for on a grant. There's no set plan for when this freeze will be lifted but it seems to have been put into place with a wide swipe of the hand. The position I was applying for they really do need someone but maybe now they will look closer within the Institute and promote up. It could open up again in the future but I think I can't count on that anymore.

I'm now in a situation I've never been in before - doing a job I don't enjoy but currently without other options. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to have a job in this economy. And it's not particularly difficult for me to do this job either. But it doesn't give purpose to my day and that's what always drove me in my academic position. I'm not prepared to give up on my future dreams just yet but I do understand that I'm no spring chicken and the longer I'm in my current position, the less marketable I will be for the types of jobs I would want to do for the second half of my career.

It's an interesting place for me to be. I knew I was gambling when I left my academic job two years ago but it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be doing something fulfilling. I had great hopes for my move to this company. Although I can look for other positions at other companies, I have a certain amount of "clout" at my current company and I'm not sure it would be smart to move somewhere where I have to build that all over again. Some days I feel confident something good is coming down the pike for me; other days I'd like to turn back the clock and go back to academics.

Thankfully though this week will be a short working week. The family is heading home to New England midweek to celebrate the parental unit's 50th wedding anniversary. It's actually their 51st but they postponed the party last year because I was in the middle of the tough chemo and couldn't travel. I'm looking forward to the party and seeing my parents but not looking forward to schlepping SciYing and SciYang half way across the country.

Honestly I'm turning into such a curmudgeon.

The Twists and Turns of Life

2009-03-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Life has been throwing curves - certainly hasn't been boring. It just proves that you never really know what's around the next corner.

Curve 1:

Plus: I'm going to Hawaii. As the top performing person in my 2008 biotech position (you know the one they laid me off from), I get rewarded with a trip to Hawaii for 6 days. It's part company meeting part time for relaxation and fun for those top performers in a variety of job positions. As I transitioned into a new position but stayed with the same company, I am still eligible to attend.

Minus: We couldn't get coverage for the kids so SciDad can't go. :(
Mini-curve: But my best friend who has helped me through some tough times is going to go with me.

Curve 2:

Plus: I received a call from the executive search firm regarding the academic administration position that I had interviewed for several weeks ago. They want to set up a time for a full interview so I'm still in the running.

Minus: Same day, Institution imposed a hiring freeze!!

What next?!

I've seen the lab from both sides now

2009-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm sitting in a hotel room near the campus of Big U where tomorrow the service engineer, who has worked this territory for years, will give me the grand tour and introduce me to some of the labs that currently use our technology. It's an interesting position to be in because for years, I was the PI that these people would come into the lab to see. And I was pretty consistently short with them - annoyed sometimes by their presence. Just people trying to sell me stuff I always mumbled.

Being on the other side now, I can tell you a couple of things:

1) It's hard work, physical work. And you spend a lot of time trying to track down PIs or lab managers.
2) More often these days your life science company account personnel are not "green behind the ears". I personally worked with another PhD. and knew of another from a different company. All came to their current jobs for different reasons -some family, some financial, some for other reasons.
3) It's not just about the sale. They really don't want to sell you something you don't need. That doesn't make sense because this creates a disgruntled customer which tends to take more time, which is time away from those good opportunities in other laboratories.

In some ways, the last two years have been a lesson in humility. So next time one of "us" walks into your lab or office, just keep an open mind.

Flying under the radar

2009-02-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned earlier, I recently threw my hat into the ring for an academic administrative position. Having met previously with a representative of the executive search company working with this Institution, I was very positive about my chances for this opening going into my interview with the supervisor. My discussion with the firm representative was a positive one, which ended with him commenting that I was a strong candidate.

Fast forward to interview day. I had made all the phone calls to learn more about this supervisor and how he worked. I prepared my answers to some of the important questions I had been asked previously or expected to be asked this time. It's been a long time since I've prepared for an interview in this way. Most times my preparation was a lecture about my research, something that becomes second nature after 15+ years on the job. I even cut the hair and bought a new outfit - one that looked professional but not stuffy.

Well to make a long story short, the interview didn't quite go as I expected. I was asked things like "Did you ever have your own R01?" and "How many faculty committees did you serve on in your previous faculty positions?" Now neither of these questions are really pertinent to the job on the table and I suddenly began to feel like the purpose of this interview was not to find out how I could do the job but how we could list things that could be used to keep me out of the job. I was told I didn't have a lot of administrative experience, yet the position is heavily weighted to bringing investigators together to advance translational research - i.e. something more easily tackled by a person with a lot of scientific experience.

Those questions were followed by a 20 min description of the components that the person in this position would be involved in. Very interesting and useful information. But the way it was delivered gave me little opportunity to be part of that discussion and emphasize how my experience would serve me well in that position.

Then I was told that it would be in this Institutions best interest to find a way to use my experience to their benefit "even if it's in another position". Pow. Bam. Down for the count. That was a signal, I believe, to tell me that I wasn't what this individual was looking for.

So my hopes were dashed, my sails deflated but it did get me thinking about some of the decisions I made as I traveled from Institution to Institution, faculty position to faculty position as the "wife of the recruit". I've done this type of move 3 times, but only once was I recruited with a real 'package. That was at a non-academic research Institute so there weren't traditional faculty committee service requirements. The other two times I had to work at gaining the respect and acceptance of my colleagues in departments that were outside my area of expertise. In these situations, I put my head down and focused on doing good research and publishing papers. I didn't push to be on committees or involved in working groups. In some sense I felt like I needed to fly under the radar. Now I know that was not the thing to do. I should have focused on building a broader portfolio and enlisting the help of the department chairman or senior faculty. What remains clear is that dual recruiting requires the full support of the chairman for whomever is the " spouse of the recruit". If you don't have someone who can see your qualities and knows how to use them to benefit their department, and who isn't committed to your success as much as the success of the primary recruit, then it isn't going to work.

Hindsight is 20/20. I can only say that I have the experience I have and I'm confident with who I am. I just don't know where that will end up taking me but I've been down windy roads before. I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

One fever, two fever

2009-02-21T04:32:00.000-08:00

I've recently gone back to reading some of the women in science-related blogs that I was following over a year ago. I'm impressed they've managed to maintain their blogging. I guess the year I was in treatment I just didn't want to think so much about my life as a Mom and scientist - just wanted to think about getting through treatment. But now that I'm back working and looking at a less flexible, potentially more stressful job, I'm thinking a lot about the stresses of being a mother to a 7 and 5 year old, being older than a lot of Mom's with kids my age, having a husband in an academic science career, thinking of changing my career yet again and being a cancer survivor (and the internal dialog that comes with that). My current job has a lot of flexibility. I can be out in front of the customers as much or as little as I want. That said, if I don't get out there, it will be a lot leaner year and I most likely won't make the company-mandated quotas. However, I can do a lot by email and phone when I need to. Like this last month.

You see SciDad's travels and job responsibilities leave him home only 10 days in February. I officially declared in Single Parenting Month! To top that off, my children have been home sick a total of 12 days since the last week of January, some days together. High fevers, flu-like symptoms (although tests showed it wasn't the flu), coughing, etc. I also got sick in the middle of it all but still kept up the Clara Barton role, spending one of my sickest nights cooling my daughter down from a 105 degree fever. Several days I had to call a mother of a child in my son's 1st grade to ask if they could bring him to school because I didn't want to bundle up my 5 year old daughter who was running a 103 degree fever and take her out of the house. She's been home with me for the last 4 days again with another bought of high fever and a throat infection (not strep).

I was reading MommyScientist's blog about her childcare issues and I can really relate, although her situation is more dire right now that mine. But if I get this new position, it's going to be a transition back to a more conventional work schedule and what will I do when the kids are sick for 4 days at a time? This is when I really hate being thousands of miles away from any family. I worry about feeding my kids a decent diet (some days I can multi-task working at home and cooking so that a nice dinner is on the table). I worry about their days at school going from 8 - 3pm and then afterschool until 5pm. When do they get to just be home and play? Should I give up this opportunity to keep the current flexibility since my children are young?

My head is full of these kinds of thoughts. How do you get your head around a job (new or current) and focus on that with all the other stuff that's on your mind? Maybe I'll find some answers on the other Mommy/Scientist blogs.

Bubble, bubble......

2009-02-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

Something is bubbling on the job horizon. I have an upcoming interview for an academic administrative-type position back in the cancer research field. Having been out in the corporate world for 2 years now, and having been laid off and re-hired twice, I find myself yearning for something that brings me back closer to what excites and intrigues me - and that is cancer research. This opportunity would put me on a new career trajectory - one more in line with what I have always wanted after a career as a lab scientist.

It would be challenging and interesting and would probably provide me with many more career options that I have at the moment. I really want this opportunity. I hate to get too excited because there are a lot of talented people out there. I hope to know more in a week so stay tuned.

I'm climbing the ladder but going up the wrong building

2009-02-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

So what's been happening since I was laid off? Two days after I was laid off, the local account sales position opened up and I transfered into it. This is a general sales position and not the technical sales/application development position I held before. The company thought it was perfect for me because of the territory and it's availability. I realized right then that it wasn't perfect for me but perfect for them because they didn't have to feel guilty about laying me off. And it also showed me that they did not value me for my years of scientific experience and knowledge.
But I took the position and here's why:
1) I have a paycheck in this economy
Why this will not work long term:
1) I would not have left academics for this job, 2) It has no career trajectory, 3) It does not "speak" to me.

In a book I'm reading called "Expect to Win", there is a section with the title of this blog entry. It says if you assess your job and you realize that you are in the wrong field/business, then you have given away your "real power". That's exactly how I feel in this position. But I'm going to do this job while I look for the right building to prop my ladder against. I never expected to ever be in this position having educated myself and been successful in my career choices. But I've survived upheavals before and I'll survive this one. I just hope the right opportunity will come sooner rather than later

Fool me twice.....

2009-01-22T06:55:00.001-08:00

So today it will happen....the word coming down is that my particular biotech position - you know the one I left a long academic career for hoping for better job stability - will be terminated. Yup, after a banner year on my part for the company, I'm about to be axed. What you probably don't know is that this happened last year just about this time but when the company president got wind of the firings, he reversed that decision and demoted the person who made that decision. That won't happen again this year - the difference probably being the economy. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice....well maybe shame on me for not pursuing other possible job options during this past year.

So I find that I now have to ask "what can I do"? I can try to get back into academics but SciDad and I felt that one person scraping for NIH dollars was enough for this family. So I will look at different ways to use my academic research background OR I may decide to dump science all together and see what sort of life I can eek out coaching figure skating more or less full time.

It promises to be an interesting, albeit challenging start to 2009.

My New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-10T15:51:00.001-08:00

I don't often make resolutions at the beginning of the year but this time, it seems appropriate. Here are my top 4:

1. PUT MYSELF FIRST MORE OFTEN: I do have this tendency to take care of everyone else and put everyone's needs before mine. Last year taught me that if I don't find some time to do some things for just me, I may never get around to it. I'm learning from SciDad who bought a motorcycle a few months ago and now once a month, he informs me when he's going for a ride with some pals. He loves it and I don't begrudge him that time but I'm terrible at taking that kind of time for myself. This year this will change. It will feel selfish and I'll tell myself it's OK.

2. MAKE TIME FOR A ONCE A MONTH DATE WITH SCIDAD: Another selfish one but it follows my first resolution. We never go out together just us. Despite always saying we're going to do it, neither of us makes it our job to see that it happens. I will take this one on because if I do, it will happen.

3. EXERCISE 2x A WEEK: I know from a breast cancer, diet and exercise study I was in last year that I'm pretty good at getting in 2 workouts a week; 3 I never seemed to make. One of these I want to be an hour of ice skating. I was on the ice several times with my kids over the holidays and I really enjoyed it. After my treatment was over, I stopped working out all together and all the weight I lost of chemo came back.

4. TRY TO SPEAK MORE PATIENTLY TO THE KIDS: Life is crazy, even more so now that I'm back traveling for work. I can be short with them sometimes when they really don't deserve it.

There it is. Maybe since I put these in writing, they'll actually stick. I have already acted on #1 when I hired our housekeeper to come every week instead of every other week. If we have money for a motorcycle payment, we have the money to help me out with cleaning and laundry. And yes, SciDad supported my decision.

Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

2009-01-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

It's now 2009 and I'm doing something that I hate doing. I'm waiting to see what my company is going to do with respect to my job. This is something I never experienced as an academic scientist. With the economy in a tailspin, obviously companies are looking for ways to trim costs. As I support a product line in the life sciences division of a company whose bread and butter is clinical diagnostics, we're always on the bubble at the beginning of the year. In fact last year at this time, I had been fired and rehired all in a span of 48 hours and only 8 months after making the jump from academics to biotech! How's that for instilling confidence in one's job choice.

Despite going through treatment for breast cancer in 2008, I had a great year with the company and exceeded my goals. This experience speaks to the great group of colleagues I worked with. But it also shows how my personal circumstances required me to refine my focus and organizational skills. Even with that however, I still sit here worried about whether I'll have a job in the next few weeks.

I sometimes think about returning to academics but I'm not sure I want that grant-writing panic again. But then here I am sitting here worrying about my current job anyway. Oh well, the shoe will drop eventually.

Ringing in 2009

2008-12-29T05:27:00.000-08:00

It will soon be 2009 and one of my resolutions is to come back to blogging. I haven't blogged for awhile because I realized my previous blog, which I called Doubleloop, just didn't fit my life anymore. So I've updated my blog look and changed the name (Tripleloop) to acknowledge what I now accept - that the last year's trip through breast cancer diagnosis and treatment has changed things. It's a part of my every day life now and what I blog about will often have some component related to that life changing experience.

I will still write about academic science, hopefully in a more positive note with the new incoming administration. I will also blog about what it's like to juggle two science careers with two small children. I will blog about what it's like to be an "academic" in the world of biotech. And I will blog about breast cancer research, survivorship and it's impact on my life.

But first the family will head out for a well deserved trip to the snowy mountains of Colorado. After last year, we deserve a little fun. The kids will try skiing for the first time and hopefully SciDad and I will get a little shushing of our own in. We'll be riding a horse drawn sleigh on Jan. 1st and maybe some ice skating. Mostly I want the kids to experience the snow. Since I grew up in Vermont, it's important for me to share that experience with them.

So I hope you join me on this new adventure.......see you in 2009

I remember......

2008-10-06T01:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was an auspicious day. It marked the one year anniversary of my diagnosis with breast cancer. I remember that day and those that followed with visceral clarity. I remember my physician saying "Next year this time, you'll be smiling again". I remember those words and thinking about how long that seemed. Is it my "one year survival" milestone? I don't know. I don't know how you decide when you became a survivor. It seems a bit arbitrary.

In the month and a half since my final radiation treatment, we've weathered a hurricane which thrust us back in time without power and air conditioning for 10 days. Then this weekend the 5th birthday party that I had been planning for months for my daughter was destroyed when the dance school forgot about it and wasn't there to open the room or studio. It's very easy to place a higher value on these life events in the context of an illness but these things happen in life whether you're well or not. I can't say I'm "smiling again" as my physician suggested I would be. I'm working my way through the emotional journey one takes after you've done all you can to treat your cancer. I don't have the luxury any more that most people have of living without the constant thoughts of a cancer recurrence. But each day I'm well and active is another day I have to share with my family - for better or for worse.

So I will always remember Oct. 5th but mostly now I choose to move forward, no matter what lies around the corner.

Should I stay or should I go?

2008-09-11T02:49:00.001-07:00

So we've been doing the "Should I stay or should I go" dance for the last week due to hurricane Ike. This hurricane season stuff is hard on us transplanted New Englanders! Give me a white-out, Nor' Easterner blizzard any day. I know what to do. With these hurricanes, by the time you have the best info, it's almost too late to go. SciDad found this great website, www.stormpulse.com for tracking the hurricane, forecast models, wind probabilities, etc. It's sort of addicting and I've had it open on my computer for the last 5 days. We're not under any mandatory evacuation but we're expected to get 100 mph winds. I've never been in those conditions before. In the 3.5 years we've been here, all the hurricanes that were predicted to hit us before have managed to veer off and miss us. I think for this one, we're hunkering down. We expect to lose power, which when it's in the 90's and humid, willl probably be a miserable experience, especially for the kids. But we've got our supplies so we'll see what happens. SciDad cut some branches away from the lines that go to our house yesterday. Being from Europe, he can't figure out why we don't bury powerlines here.....can't say as I understand that either. I think I'm going to use this hurricane stuff as leverage to get back East some day (do you hear that SciDad?)

On a side note, I went to the ice rink yesterday and got back on the ice. After the last year, this is something I really want to do for myself. It took about 30 minutes before I had my feet underneath me again and the legs were like jello, but it felt good, like "going home". I mostly tried to remind myself of all the dance steps and patterns but it was like visiting a long lost friend. I'm going to try to do that every week. I deserve it.

What's up Doc?

2008-09-04T12:19:00.001-07:00

As part of my new life as a biotechie, I support, through seminars and customer meetings, life science instrumentation for different types of genomic analyses. This can be a fun experience because it gives me the opportunity to "talk science" with a variety of investigators researching a broad range of scientific questions. But it can also be extremely frustrating. In my years in academics and now with said Biotech company, I find many scientists too willing to stick with the "standard" when new approaches could clearly be better than what is accepted now. And if they have tried an approach themselves and have been unsuccessful, they are often not willing to accept that it can or does work.

I wonder where this slow adaptation of new approaches comes from. Is it based on what is thought to be suitable for obtaining funding? Is it that people in general are adverse to change or the unknown? Fortunately for me, I live with SciDad, who is an early adopter. He sees a new technology, looks into the near future and can see that it will or won't move his research forward. He is not afraid to test the new and if successful, is quick to incorporate it into his standard research program.
I'd be interested in knowing what other scientists feel are the impediments to adopting new technologies.

Like Water for Chocolate

2008-08-30T02:00:00.000-07:00

School is underway here and my son started 1st grade. I'm so excited to see him move forward in his life and I take great pride in each little advance that he makes. I remember how excited I was when he started Kindergarten last year - it seemed like such a huge rite of passage to finally be in "real" school. It was shortly after that, though that I received my cancer diagnosis and life seemed to implode. I wasn't able to be involved in the class as much as I had wanted to. I missed events while hooked to IVs. Thank goodness there wasn't any homework.

This year the start of the school year feels different. In amongst the happiness of letting him lead me through his new classroom, showing me his first few days of work was a sense of "fear". I almost felt afraid to be excited or happy. My mind was doing some pretty interesting associations. "Don't get too excited, you know what happened the last time", I found myself saying.

Standing in the hallway waiting for his class to finish one afternoon, I looked at all the other parents chatting away with one another, and I felt a bit jealous that their lives seemed so carefree. And then I saw her. The woman sitting a bit away from the crowd, sort of inbetween two easels. She was thin, had a shy smile of her face and was sitting a bit rigidly, watching all the acitivity from a distance. She looked a bit gaunt but the bandana on the head was the give away. We made eye contact just briefly but enough to communicate the "I know what you're going through". (You see my hair is still very short and although I don't need a hat, it has that "chemo" style to it.). I really felt for her because I know the pain of that feeling, as if because of what you are fighting, you can't totally immerse yourself in the joy of your children's lives. I wanted to let her know that she would get through it and move forward - and then I realized having only finished my 9 months of treatment 3 weeks ago, that I'm just now making that transition myself.

Moving on is a process - tough and fragile. While I'm getting my feet underneath me, I realize I learned two very important things this past year. One is to take it one day at a time. You hear that so often, it sounds cliche. But it really is a different way of living life. Yesterday afterschool I made cookies with my son. He loves to cook and he was so happy to be involved. A year ago I would have felt less patient about taking twice as long to get them cooked or having cookie dough dropped on the floor or him constantly licking the spoon and having to get another clean one and always wiping his "cookie" hands on his clothes. (Note to self: remember to put his apron on the next time). It was a truly fun experience and the cookies came out the best they've ever been! There's a lesson in there I'm sure. If you've ever seen the movie "Like Water for Chocolate" you'll know what I mean.

The second thing I've learned is to "look around". If you observe those around you, you'll see "us"; people struggling to make life work. It may not be health issues, it may be other things. I will never completely forget what it's like to be there at the edge; in some sense that's where I live now. I don't know what life holds for me tomorrow, a year from now, 5 years from now. But I know that I have today and that's what is important.

Dancing in the Rain

2008-07-27T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hello, it's me. It's been a long long time. I've been thinking about coming back to blogging. I'm not sure if I'm ready. It's been a hell of a year.
At last blog I was thinking about leaving academics for the biotech world - I did that. It was going well and I was enjoying being out of the current stresses of an underfunded academic situation. Then it seemed like the two loops of my life exploded and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've spent the last 9 months mostly being a cancer patient - chemo, surgery, and now radiation. I'm 10 days from being done with it all....but what does that mean. You see I was an academic studying breast cancer for over 17 years! I've met, worked with and been touched by a lot of women that are no longer here because of breast cancer. People say knowledge is power and it is to some extent but too much knowledge, like mine, can be counter productive - at least for me.

So my struggle now is to find a way to get those two loops (Mom and scientist) working in sync again and learning to "live for the moment" while trying not to think too much about the unknown future. That will be the greatest challenge for me specifically. I have a 6 and 4 year old I want to be around for....

I found a saying the other day. I don't know who to contribute it to but it sums up how I feel about my life from here on out.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

If I can make this blog about science, motherhood and sometimes breast cancer, I'll write. Maybe some of you will read..........

The Silence is Deafening.......

2007-04-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to sit myself down and blog lately. Believe me, I've tried but each time I opened a new document, I shut it down. A lot has been happening since we last "spoke". Where've I been? Well, I've been deciding the fate of the next 20 years of my life. After my last blog, I had an additional dinner meeting with the VP for the Western Region of CS (Corporate Science). This person asked me less business-related and more "Are you sure you want to do this?" type questions. It did get me thinking. And that's what I've been doing for the last two weeks - thinking.

It's been a remarkable journey so far. I have been amazed at the spectrum of emotions that I have been experiencing while trying to make this decision. Just the other day, I was having lunch in the faculty dining room at my Institution by myself because SciDad was traveling. Suddenly I became very nostalgic. I started looking around at all the faculty and wondering how it would feel to be out of this fraternity we call "academics" that I've been hanging out in for the last 19 years. It made me sad. After lunch, while in the lab, I wondered how it would be to not have a lab to go to. Strange... When I left later that afternoon to pick up the kids, I felt deeply saddened.

I haven't signed on the dotted line yet. That'll probably happen next week. In the meantime, if I'm not wrong, I'm going through a grieving process. I'm losing something that I've been nurturing for 19 years. I've had highs and lows in my academic career. It's been my life since I graduated with my Ph.D. I had plans; I have unanswered questions; I have avenues of interest that I won't be able to follow. I wonder if this is the equivalent of laboratory "empty nest" syndrome. In any case, I was not prepared for the grieving. I don't know if I'll even celebrate the new avenue that my life is about to take, not yet anyway. There's so much to do. The only thing I'm quite sure of is that the times, they are a-changing.

Biotech Adventure, Part II

2007-03-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

Step 2 in the Biotech "adventure" is now complete. I had a business dinner with the local and regional managers of said CS (corporate science) entity. It's been a long time since I've had to answer questions like "What do you think you would bring to this position that is unique?" and "How would you handle situation X or Y?" and the mine-ridden "Why would someone at your level want to make this move?" I felt comfortable and at the same time, out of my element. Although I've done a lot of "dinners with speakers", this just had a whole different feel to it- you know, business-y. I remembered all the simple interview tips - give a firm handshake, make eye contact while speaking, don't talk too much just give straightforward answers, etc. I think it went well but would I really know?

I have no previous experience with CS, except in my dealings with them as an academic researcher. I'd be on the other side of the fence. And I'm grappling with feelings of potential "loss" and "failure". Yup, failure. Now that feeling really erks me because it's not necessarily that I've failed academic science. It's as much that life and circumstances have conspired to make an academic career in research untenable to me now. Why don't I feel like this is an opportunity I'm being afforded "because" of my success in science? I think it has a lot to do with the expectations in academics - you know the stereotype that says if you leave academics, it's because you weren't capable of succeeding in it. I know this is exactly how most of my supposed colleagues would view a move to CS, especially because of my gender. Which is why Zuska's current discussions of the leaky pipeline (Part I and Part II) are so timely.

In her recent blogs on the X-Gal columns in the Chronicle, she's revisiting the definition of scientific success, as defined by her own experiences and those of the X-gals. On her and some of her colleagues decisions to leave academics, she says:

You can say we actively chose to leave the academic path, and some of us never gave it a backward glance. We chose, but it was a choice with a lot of push behind it. And we were all aware of how we were viewed by those who stayed on the path - those who were still in the pipeline. We had leaked out through our own fault. That is, there was nothing wrong with science - the problem was with us. If we had been good enough to become professors, we would have done so. If we had been good enough to become professors, we would never have wanted to do anything else. So leaving was evidence of our incompetence.

Yeah, this is exactly how I feel. And why. Well, as she puts it:

We form our identity around what we do very, very strongly. And if we've had it in our minds that we must become a research professor, then having that taken away from us is not just a career disappointment, it's something that forces us to rethink our whole identity. If I am going to take on a different career that is perceived as lower status - am I going to become a lower sort of person? This status-consciousness is so intense in academia.

One of the questions I was asked at my business dinner was how would it feel to be in a position where the academics I would deal with wouldn't care what I had done in my science career previously, and would assume I wasn't as skilled as I was? I answered by saying I had a lot of experience in that already, especially in my current part time position.

And so while I continue to pursue this exciting lead, I will also work on my own re-definition of success. If I do leave academics, I hope one of the lessons I can teach my kids as they grow up is that one can define your own success, and that definition doesn't always have to agree with what the mainstream masses think is success. That's a tough one.

Charles de Gaulle's women

2007-03-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

I made it. Last week I went overseas to a meeting to present my work. This was the first time I have been away from the kids for so long - and so far away. And guess what, SciDad did a great job. He did profess to being tired but the kids did well. I had a great time giving my presentation and walking around this beautiful European city.

On the way over and back, I went through Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. Now that was an interesting experience. First, I was in Terminal 2 and the directions to get you to where you want to go were awful. Second, the terminal was so "skinny" in places that when flights were boarding, the people blocked any flow of other passengers trying to get from one gate to another. In addition to that, it took over an hour to get through security with plenty of French AND Americans trying to cut in line.

But in one instance, while raising my fists and eyes to the ceiling and cursing the state of travel, I noticed something very interesting. Large banners with faces of women, one of which looked very familiar to me. My ability to decipher the French (three years in Montreal) helped me determine that these were women scientists and these were the women selected for the 2007 L'Oreal-UNESCO for Women in Science awards! One from each continent, faces displayed like rock stars in one of the world's busiest airports.

The face I recognized - Mildred Dresselhaus. She's an MITer who you can't get through a science stint at MIT without seeing a picture of or hearing about. There's a nice tribute at eQuarksDaily.

L'Oreal-UNESCO also gives International graduate and postdoctoral fellowships. Yet another example of how Europe is way ahead of the US in supporting women in science.

Ring, ring.....Corporate calling

2007-03-01T04:37:00.000-08:00

Hello? Is this SciMom?

Yes it is. May I ask whose calling?

Yes this is Biotech. You probably think of me as "corporate science". How are you?

I'm not so well. In fact, I'm struggling in a part time academic position, working my a#* off trying to keep my research alive. I have an inattentive Chairman, a department which only sees me as an appendage of SciDad, and minimal chances to obtain funding because of my part time status and lack of people in the lab, not to mention the dismal government funding situation. I am finding it hard these days to be self-motivated - I've never before had motivation problems. I'm heading to a conference in Europe next week to give a talk and I wonder why the heck I'm going? Oh, was that too much information?

No not at all. You see someone told us you might be interested in a different challenge. One that would value your years of expertise in oncogenetics.

OH! Who are you?

We're "RSBC" (really stable biotech company).

Yes I've been using your technologies for years and along with SciDad, have helped your new technologies move into a broader scientific marketplace.

Well, we're looking for someone with your background and expertise. And we're excited that someone with your years of experience might be able to come onboard. You know our plan is to move more into diagnostics in the next several years while still staying strong in academic research. Does that interest you?

It does. Let's chat some more. Uh huh, yes. What about travel? I see. Salary, well that would work. Stock options, 401. How are the goals defined? Well that's a little different than I'm used to but the role is also different. I can't relocate.

You wouldn't have to! So what do you think?

I think I actually might be interested. It's scary to think about walking away from a traditional research job because I love that aspect of my life a great deal. But gee, salary stability, job stability (assuming I perform well), growth within a company, a place that VALUES me?!?! What do I do next?

Just go online and send us your resume. There are other applicants.

Yes I imagine there are.

But let's move forward and see where it takes us.

OK, I'll do that this evening. Thanks for calling.

No, thank you. I'll be in touch.

Click.

Wow, working somewhere where my knowledge and experience might be valued. What an attractive concept........

Networking Broads

2007-02-16T11:58:00.000-08:00

It's been three weeks of sinus hell in this household. My three year old has just finished her antibiotics, my 5 year old is a few days into his, and I'm three days into mine! SciHusband is two weeks into his cold but it looks like he may conquer it without the help of pharmaceuticals. I'm finally, finally feeling like I've turned the corner on this bug that's been attacking me since two days before my 5 year old's January birthday party. Thus the infrequent blogs. I'm running on a sleep deficit in normally but I've lost a lot of additional sleep hours - and I feel it.

I am about to undertake two trips - one next week back to snowy New England to meet with collaborators and spend a few days with the parental units. The next a few weeks after that across the pond to present at a meeting. I have mixed emotions about these trips - I need them, I'm looking forward to them and yet I already miss the kids and I haven't even left yet! I think only a primary caregiver knows what these conflicting emotions feel like......it's a strange mix of excitement, worry, guilt and a lot about not being in control. As SciHusband says "We'll survive with you on speed dial".

I'm also feeling a bit unstable in general which might be contributing to the travel anxieties. I'm in the midst of casting about to see what my options might be for a change in career. There are some things afloat which make me think my part time position is more unstable than previously thought. While surfing, I came across a website for 85Broads, a women's networking website set up by former financial manager Janet Hansen, who worked for Goldman Sachs on WallStreet (thus the play on Broad Street). Check it out. What caught my attention was her story:

When I left 85 Broad Street in 1988 to raise my daughter Meredith and later, my son Christopher, I felt a powerful sense of loss. I realized that while I certainly missed the action on the trading floor, I missed my colleagues even more.

This sentiment rings loudly in my ear, even though I'm still working part time.

What also caught my attention was Broad 2.0, a networking resource for women who have had to step out or step back in the workplace because of family and other responsibilities. This seemed like a unique resource for someone in my position but right now, access to this particular part of the website is limited to current students and alumni of a specific but expanding group of colleges and universities that have signed on to be involved with 85Broads. However, this might useful for some of the women in science that read this blog.

Is there something comparable out their for women in academics?

Wow Wow Everybody

2007-02-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

It's been talked about, it's been rumored and now "it's for real" as my 5 year old would say.
.
Harvard has named it's first female president, Radcliffe Institute dean Drew Gilpin Faust. Now it joins its Cambridge neighbor, MIT, who installed Susan Hockfield as president several years ago.

As reported on the CNN website:

Drew Gilpin Faust recalls her mother lecturing her that "this is a man's world, sweetie, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be."

It was a lesson, she wrote in a memoir, that she refused to accept.

"I hope that my own appointment can be one symbol of an opening of opportunities that would have been inconceivable even a generation ago," Faust said. But she also added, "I'm not the woman president of Harvard, I'm the president of Harvard."

Wow wow everybody!

The Invisibility Factor

2007-01-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

I was catching up on blog reading and came across FemaleScienceProfessor's post about being an "invisible female scientist". I have run into this situation many times in my career. Just some examples:

At University 1 where my husband and I both had academic positions, we would routinely run into Professor A in the garage elevator. He would ALWAYS say hello to my husband, have a short chat and then exit the elevator with us. Yes, he knew me but clearly didn't feel it necessary to acknowledge my general presence in these situations. Other than being just plain rude, it showed his lack of respect for me as a faculty member.

At the Institution following this University, a promotional video was being produced and all faculty in the particular program to be discussed were asked to be available on a certain day for taping. There were 4 research faculty. Oh did I mention that no one bothered to tell me about it? In the end, I was asked to stand in when they interviewed my husband and they asked me a few questions. I couldn't gather enough energy to bother answering them in any interesting fashion because I was so pi#@ed off. I landed on the editing room floor.

At my current Institution, I'm sure that I have taken on a wispy, ethereal appearance because I can be walking past people that I have been introduced to several times and they pass as if they've never seen me before or actually DON'T see me! I'm the kind of person who will at least give a passing hello if I recognize someone. I can stop and see my reflection in the windows so I know that I exist. It fascinates me how often this happens. And this is probably one of the biggest issues I have with my current position. The issue of invisibility. I was prepared to give up some level of visibility by going part time, but I wasn't prepared for the lack of respect from my colleagues and almost complete invisibility to my Chairman and Institution.

I agree with Zuska though that not only to we as women have to speak up for ourselves but those male colleagues who are there in the moment these disrespectful interactions occur, also have to speak up. If they don't (and if we don't) then all of us remain part of the problem. (On a side note, the comments following Zuska's post are well worth the read. I laughed, I applauded, I got angry, and I asked myself why so many times I didn't speak up).

While I was writing this post, I remembered that when this used to happen to me in my younger days, I would make an effort to speak a bold "hello" or nod while vocalizing "Dr. X"'s name to those that liked to ignore my presence- just to force them to look up, maybe speak, and but mostly make them aware that they were lacking in social manners. I guess I've lost a bit of my edge with age but now that I've written this, I think I'm going to start up again.

I was a Mother Superior but just for this weekend

2007-01-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

I did it. I made it through another toddler birthday. And it was a good one.

My big guy turned 5 this weekend. On Friday, at his school, they do a special "circle time" where he talks about how he has grown up and the new things he can do. Then in the afternoon, he can bring a special celebration snack. I made 72 mini -blueberry/raspberry muffins and 64 chocolate-dipped strawberries - all on Thursday night because they only taste good when made fresh. I started at 7pm on Thursday night and finished at 11:15pm with the clean up. On Friday, I joined him at his school for his special circle time at 10am, had a parent/teacher conference from 10:30 - 11:30am about my younger daughter who has just transitioned into that house, stayed for part of their lunch at their insistence and finally got away at 12:30pm.

Did I mention I was coming down with a sore throat on Thursday night?

By Friday midday I was feeling pretty punk. Went home to eat a quick refrigerator grazing lunch, left to pick up the birthday cake at Costco and returned home about 2:30pm. Dropped off the cake and left to go to the party store for the essentials - plates, hats, etc. - returned at 3:30pm. Dropped off the stuff and left to pick up the kids. Did I mention I was feeling really bad by this time?

Friday night I did what I could to prepare for the party the next day but given how I was feeling, it seemed sleep was the best thing to get that night. The party was from 10:30am - 1:30pm on Saturday and we were expecting 4 friends and potentially two siblings and associated parents. I don't believe in the "invite everybody" parties. I like to have them more personal, in my home and with only the "friends" that my kids ask me to invite. I won't bore you with the details of the party except to say we had a "Mad Science" person come and put on a really great show. The kids were dazzled by the disappearing water, the dry ice "cloud", the firecracker colors, and a chance to make their own "slime". It was a great show and even the parents enjoyed it. Did I mention I gradually lost my voice over the course of the party? Anyway, after pizza and presents, and a little time outside as the rain stopped, all went home. My son remarked that this was "the best party ever". In the few times in life when it all falls together and you make your kids happy and fulfilled, it totally rocks to be a Mom. Now if I can only get my voice back.

SciDad's post

2007-01-26T20:08:00.000-08:00

So here it is - the first of two installments from SciDad in response to my previous post regarding dual careers. SciDad says:

One of the illusions you lose about life pretty quickly is that the world is your oyster. Careers are not constructed like Lego from a big box of options in an open space. They resemble a dash through the woods, where occasionally you enter a clearing with only a couple of paths ahead. And you never know what is around the next corner - both in the bad and the good. After I had finished my 5+ years of post-doc I did not have any top-10 journal papers and so I did not have many choices for a faculty position. Against the advice (but with the support) of my mentor I went to an OK place, because I was ready for independence. This is not an unfamiliar condition in a career that keeps you as an underpaid, overworked trainee for close to 10 years... At the time SciMom and I decided that my career would take precedence - we were trying to have kids, so this seemed right to both of us. After a few years at OK place we were approached to consider a move. We went to Good place.

The latest move - which is most relevant to SciMom's recent post - grew from that first decision. I had in fact not looked for this move - we were both very happy at Good place where we had gone together, quite equally. While Good place had its limitations, the microenvironment was very supportive and we could have stayed there longer. But it was not a place that made research easy or that offered long-term possibilities or where it was easy to recruit good people for the lab.

Then I was approached by one of a handful - three or four - of top places for the work that I do (let's call it Top place). The difference is that if I told 10 randomly picked scientists the name of Good place and Top place, all would know Top place, and maybe 1 or 2 would know Good place. Plus, the position they asked me to compete for had a leadership aspect - literally one of a few positions like it in the world, in my particular area of interest. So, rather than me being restless, and moving around at the expense of my spouse, I seized a possibly once-in a lifetime chance to get one of the best positions for someone like me in the world!

As SciMom has said, we made some mistakes, that resulted in part from my excitement and my admittedly somewhat selfish desire to seize this amazing opportunity. Timing was rotten, in the sense that the kids are at a needy stage, and she decided to step back, which is more difficult at more demanding institutions. Also, how supportive the Chair is varies - and you don't know it until you are there a while, trust me.

I think the situation can be fixed - it will take some time, perhaps some changes in the funding climate overall and some more work on both our parts. I am trying very hard to obtain additional funding to support SciMom, and in return she is taking an active part in my work. The aim is to develop enough funds to hire a post-doc to work with her on her projects, with a view to getting data for a new grant. It will take a few years, but it can be done.

No Comment

2007-01-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

Over the last 6 months, I have read my favorite blogs, green with envy seeing the number of interesting and helpful comments their posts regularly receive on their blog entries. A few weeks ago, I found a comment on a post I had just added to my blog. Excited I clicked on it, only to find out it was spam! Grrrrrrrrr. This prompted me to go searching for a way to get rid of it. And that's when I stumbled on the settings for accepting comments. Ohhhhhh, these things have settings. Should you ever feel the desire to comment, it should be easier now.

Yeah, OK I confess, I'm only a part of this technology world because I live with the world's greatest computer and electronic wizard gadget guru who just happens to be my husband. (Like right now he regaling me with information about EVDO GSM cell phone something-or -other.) Anyway, he pulls me along (heels firmly planted in the ground) as he embraces the newest of new technologies. He helped me set up this blog. But as usual, I learn just enough to plow ahead because he's my very own troubleshooting manual so I don't have to learn it all upfront.

On that same note, he also reads this blog. I wasn't going to tell him about it so I could complain about him if I wanted. But then I decided knowing he would read it, would help me keep things in perspective. And after a recent post, he jokingly suggested he should be able to do a guest blog, telling his "side" of things. And so I invite him to do so. His perspective on the dual career challenges will probably be quite enlightening.
Stay tuned.

Oops, I did it again

2007-01-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

(Note: in the process of finishing this entry up, I read post doc ergo propter doc's entry on dual careers and it's challenges. And apparently, there is a discussion about dual careers on the science careers forum )

I have found that the New Year has not brought much more in the way of "peace" about my particular part time academic position. I have spent an enormous amount of energy trying to put a finger on what makes this so hard, with the mindset that I might identify an aspect that I can change for the better. It's not like I haven't been in this situation before........

Job Recruitment 1: Husband takes first academic position at new University. I'm 2.5 years into my Assistant Professorship at current University where husband is postdoc, just landing first R29 NIH grant. Husband signs contract prior to any negotiations for me regarding a job. My negotiating power - zero. (We both agree, rookie mistake on his part but done not out of disregard for me but in the excitement of first independent academic position and pressure from University to sign; marriage survives) The department creates a faculty position for me. No real start up package -$20K to replace some of big equipment being left behind. R29 pays for technician and $800/month for supplies. Time in situation: 3 years

Pros: Had my own lab space, connected by a door with husband's. Had my own technician. Put out some nice papers. Had an extremely supportive Department Chairman. Chairman supported and I received promotion to Associate Professor.

Cons: No office; gave space up to be converted into a TC room for both labs so had a desk in the lab. Didn't have the respect of the department's other faculty. Wasn't in a department related to my primary research focus. Had to fight to get my own mailbox (no really, this required the Chairman's intervention!) No money to grow the lab and become more productive.

Job Recruitment 2: Husband looking at new position where I have friends. They are aware of the difficulties I have encountered in current position. New Institute does two recruitments - 2 trips, 2 seminars, 2 offers.

Pros: Had my own lab space. Had my own office. Had a full recruitment package including decent salary. Got to work with two colleagues that I've known for 10 years! Was very productive with a group of 4. Supportive Chairman who realized it was important to keep me happy if he wanted to keep husband around. Flexible schedule works well with arrival of first child.

Cons: Not in a department with others focused on my primary area of research so not much chance for local collaborations.....uh, that's about all the cons I could think of.

Job Recruitment 3: Husband recruited to big time Institute over the course of a year. No discussion to bring me down or find an independent faculty position. Decision is made to ask for part time position in part because newly adopted daughter will require a fair amount of medical visits but also because not asking for a full time, FTE-position will facilitate my husband's job and required scheduled move time.

Pros: Flexible schedule made it easy to accommodate the year of constant illnesses that my two kids experienced going from an in-home Nanny to a Montessori preschool! Established a good relationship with the family pediatrician, ENT, and opthalmologist at big-time Children's Hospital. ummm, can't think of any other pros!

Cons: Didn't ask for lab space so lab has been absorbed by husband's; maintaining a bench. Despite having both names outside the door, no one considers it part "my lab space". I am invisible to the other faculty members of my department. I didn't interview and I didn't give a seminar; sometimes appearances can mean a lot. I still haven't been added to the birthday lists for which a monthly lunch is held. Don't have a supportive Chairman; has no idea what I do, and doesn't care. No mentorship, no support - no start up package; maintaining one project on an R01 subcontract; other main lab project dead in the water. Trying to develop another project with minimal funds. Hate feeling invisible; not appreciated for what I could add to the department.

Lessons learned:

1. Don't start out by giving up too much. You can play second fiddle but make sure you still get to play. I should have never put myself in the position of joining a department where they didn't feel it was worthwhile for me to come down and give a seminar to the rest of the faculty. I am not seen as an important member of my department's faculty.

2. Pick a supportive Chairman, especially if you are moving to support your husband's career. Never take a position where the Chairman doesn't feel it necessary to have face time with you to talk about your work and how it will fit/help the department. You need a Chairman who can "think outside the box" and find a way to use your expertise to build and expand his department strengths. I remember reading "The Door in the Dream: Conversations with eminent women in science" by Elga Wasserman. It's a collection of personal stories about how they succeeded in their careers. One of the messages I took away was the importance of having a Chairman who is open-minded, interested, and supportive.

In all fairness, we did make a mutual decision early on in our relationship that his career would take priority and the reasons for that, both professional and personal, were solid and good. But within that framework, the decisions need to be made carefully and wisely. Which is why, given my previous experiences, I'm surprised I made some of the same mistakes in Recruitment Scenario 3 that were made in Scenario 1. But I did and now the next step is to try to find ways, in this sparse time of funding, to work my way back to a position of respect from a position of weakness, if that's even possible. I don't know if it is......

A Horn in the Woods

2007-01-01T05:57:00.000-08:00

I have to end the year/start the new one doing something which quite frankly I'm terrible at doing - blowing my own horn. Remember this is Rule #2 of my Rules for Success. I've been working on this relatively new technique and trying to see if we might use it to answer some important questions in the cancer-field. After a year of working on it, part-time as I am, I am happy that an abstract I submitted to an International meeting was accepted for an oral presentation. I realize this is not a big deal on the scientific scale of things....but for me it's a small validation of what I've been trying to succeed at, under not so perfect circumstances.

The only negative came when I decided to email my department chairman with the progress I have been making, to let him know that I would be representing the Institution with a presentation at this International meeting. The next day, the departmental secretary came to me in the lab and said the Chairman wanted to speak with me. I thought "Great, he received my email, is interested (something new), and wants to have a brief chat". I was, at the time she came to see me, in the middle of a seven hour experimental marathon, which had to stay on schedule because my husband was out of town and I had to get the kids before the preschool closed. I told the assistant I couldn't stop to chat now but I would talk to him the next morning.

The next morning I called to say I was free to come over and speak with the Chairman. The response? "Oh he doesn't need to speak with you today. Yesterday he just wanted to know when your husband was going to be back in town." Hmmm, last I looked my husband had an assistant.

I know that this technique will not itself become a major grant. But it will most likely result in manuscripts, and it will most likely land me on some grants, which hopefully will bring in some of my salary. These are the things I think are necessary for me to continue to survive in the vast unknown called "Part time academic science position".

So good for me for getting my abstract accepted for an oral presentation.....toot toot! Now if a horn blows in the woods.............

A Nice Thanksgiving break

2006-11-26T04:55:00.000-08:00

It's 5:30am and for some reason I'm up and sipping coffee. It wasn't my intention to get up so early. Something woke me up, and I decided to get a glass of water from the kitchen. A look outside told me that my 4 year old had once again been playing with the lights over his booster seat and it had been on all night in the minivan. After going outside, wrestling with the gate and turning the light off, I didn't feel much like going back to bed. So I podded myself a cup of coffee (yes, sad to say we have switched to the pod system for simplicity, quickness and to get rid of all the coffee mess from daily grinding our own coffee) and got on the internet.

The little one is restless this morning. We've been treating an ear infection in the ear that still has her tube in it because we had some antibiotic ear drops but I suspect the other one is infected as well. So my week post-Thanksgiving will most likely start with a visit to the pediatrician. Still she's been quite the trooper as always and only slightly more clingy and whiny. The "big" guy, my almost 5 year old, has been in a good place. Maybe he sensed I bought and started reading "Parenting the Strong-willed Child".

I always look upon longer breaks with some trepidation. Usually these are slightly stressful days - my children seem to need enormous parental interaction and constant conversation during these times. But this has been a nice break. The weather's been beautiful. My husband has been relaxed and home. We've had days of just hanging around the house. We had a day of meeting a few friends from preschool at the zoo, which was nice for us because it's usually just us going to these places. My husband and I watched a movie one night and played Trivial Pursuit on another (it was a tie as midnight was approaching but I plan to whoop him in a rematch!) We had some stress around Thanksgiving dinner as it didn't get on the table until 1:30pm and the kids were hungry. (Note-to-self: Thanksgiving dinner on the table by Noon as long as toddlers are in the house.) But it was nice to once again, cook a turkey. We haven't done that in several years. I really want to make those holiday traditions for my family and although it's a lot of work and the kids probably won't remember it yet, I'll practice now to get it right for later.

Next week is a big one. For one, my 3 year old is transitioning to the "big girl" house at her preschool. The school made some great safety adjustments for her on their playscape and I feel lucky to be a part of this Montessori school. The kids have thrived there. Second, I'm having a stress test. Yup, as loving hubby said, "Welcome to middle age!" I mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to go back to the gym, get a personal trainer, and get back in some sort of shape. Well about a month ago I did that. In my first session, my trainer wanted to see where I was in general health and stamina. I got pretty winded by the end of the hour session but didn't really think much of it except that after we were done and we were sitting, talking about plans for working out, I couldn't regain my breath. I started to get cold and clammy and nauseous and after 15 minutes, I announced I had lay down. She asked me if I was having trouble breathing, which I was except not in the "my chest hurts and I can't catch my breath" sort of way but that's how it was interpreted and next thing I knew I was staring at the paramedics, right there in the gym. Not just 3 paramedics but 6! I must be special. Since I had been laying down for 5 minutes, I could feel the blood returning to my head but they popped in the oxygen tube and started asking questions, taking blood pressure (90 over 50 by then) and asking me had I starved myself before working out? Do I look starved? Long story short, I didn't need a trip to the hospital, they made my husband come get me despite the fact that we live two blocks away, and I was annoyed by the 90 year old guy on the treadmill near me who came in with a walker. He didn't stop walking on the treadmill the whole time. Rub it in........ This event bothered me enough though to make me go to my doctor, who rightly so, has ordered a stress test. I will wait to see what it shows before I go back and get into a physical workout. I want to know my limits, if I have some right now. I'm glad I went because with little kids, I want to make sure if I have control of it, that I'm around for them for as long as possible.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm feeling peaceful about life; it's tough, I'm perpetually overtired, I'm tired of visiting the pediatrician and I'm way behind on the Christmas planning stuff. But as an article I read in Parenting magazine said, accepting that being the parent of toddlers is stressful, tiring and often, not much fun, could help you move past that to see the great things that are happening around you in your family. Seems simple but I think it's true. So that's what I choose to do, at least right now when everyone else is sleeping and I'm having a nice cup of coffee while tapping away on my computer.

Anyway, I'm thankful for the time we've had together this holiday as a family. Now let the Christmas fun begin. It's my favorite time of the year.

MIT's Tonegawa steps down

2006-11-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

I was pleased to read the online CNN report regarding the fallout over Susumu Tonegawa's inappropriate bullying of a highly recruited female faculty candidate to MIT. It's far more than an issue about gender in science; it's about fairness and ethics. It may not seem like enough for some people that Tonegawa resigned as director but stays on at the Neuroscience Institute but given his ego, this will be a hard pill to swallow. Afterall he did win the Nobel Prize in 1987 and founded MIT's Neuroscience Institute in 1994. I think this is a positive move for my PhD alma mater but also for science in general. There must be action when unfair practices in science are disclosed. However I remain disappointed in Susan Hockfield's lack of public condemnation.

As a woman in an extremely powerful academic and scientific position, I thought she should have been more vocal than she was. On her recent election to the Board of the Carnegie Corporation, the Corporation president, Vartan Gregorian said:

Susan Hockfield is a trailblazer and role model for women in science and technology," said Gregorian. "We believe her knowledge and scientific perspective will bring even greater strength to our influential board. Carnegie Corporation's mission is consistent with MIT's tradition of innovation, research and meritocracy, and I am greatly honored that she has accepted our invitation to join the Corporation as a trustee this early in her administration.

Maybe she choose to work behind the scenes on this one, but that doesn't work for the greater good...in my opinion......

Where for art thou?

2006-10-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm still around. I've been lurking and reading the blogs lately but feeling quite lethargic about posting. I don't know why. Maybe it was in part the Mother and Aunt visit which ate up an entire week (but I did enjoy having them here). Maybe it's the endless preschool activities and doctor's appointments which are culminating in parties at my children's two preschool houses this week. Maybe it has been these excrutiating migraines I've been getting every time a front comes through. Last night the headache woke me up at 2:30am and I spent until 4am chewing Excedrin, hoping it would go away as I'm solo again with the kids and I need all my faculties to make it through the day. Probably it was more the several interactions and conversations I've had recently with my husband and colleagues which made me realize that deciding to do this "part time science" thing was in good part a mistake - at least for the science career. I know there's a blog in that one but I'm too emotionally tired to tackle it now.

I've been keeping track of some interesting events however. The first was that my Institute is creating an administrative position to deal with Women Faculty Programs. Yeah! The goal of the Associate Vice President position is to develop programs, networks and support systems to ensure that the talented women faculty hired have the support system in place to succeed. I put my hat in the ring for this position awhile back but didn't receive an interview. I'm not surprised. I would have been the "think outside the box" candidate. Still I'm excited to see what comes of this new initiative.

Second, my Institution has changed it's thinking on those 'tweener academic research positions we all call "Instructor". It's been painfully obvious, at least to me and other colleagues, that there are a great deal of PhDs awarded to people who will never, or actually don't want to, run their own labs. The American academic science system does not have a place for these individuals who want to remain in research. Usually scientists (and often women) are placed in the Instructor position with the idea that they will be suitable for promotion to Assistant Professor in 2-4 years. Up until now at my Institution, once you wre in the Instructor position for the allotted years, you were out unless you secured a promotion. I call this the second "brain drain". The first is the loss of trained women scientists who fail to navigate the "leaky" pipeline towards professorship. The second is the loss of the "tweener" scientists or "super postdocs" who have traditionally been frowned upon by administration but are viewed as incredibly valuable and productive lab members by the PIs. Suddenly at my Institute, the Instructor position has been changed to an open-ended position, with no time limits. I think this is a step in the right direction, as long as women who are placed in these Instructorships are given the opportunity to be promoted when they have the qualifications.

Third, I'm getting selfish in my old age. I spend a lot of time trying to make life easy for other people and making life safe, fun and happy for my kids. Hasn't left much time for, well, me. I had a great role model as a mother but I think she gave up too much. So I re-signed up at our local YMCA and yesterday, I filled out the information to hire a personal trainer. I'm not a group exercise person so I figure the only way to get myself back in something equivalent to reasonably healthy shape is to have a workout program designed for me. I am just waiting to be contacted by that trainer. My goals are not lofty. I just want some tone back, a little weight loss and some additional energy to keep from being the grouchy tired Mommy to my kids.

Right now the most amazing line of thunderstorms is passing by; the thunder and lightning are constant. The house is shaking as if a train is rolling right outside the front door. I don't think I'll every like this southwest weather.....I've just walked my 4 year old back to bed and I'm going there myself........

Perspective

2006-10-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

First let me say "Thanks" to Dr. Shellie for her condolences on our "lost" vacation. We actually drove the kids down to the beach this past weekend for the day. It was beautiful weather, the kids had a great time, and it was nice to completely disconnect from work life. It makes up a little for the time we lost earlier.

Anway, these days I'm re-learning that life is all about perspective. And I've actually gained a clearer perspective on myself in the last few days.

I haven't blogged in awhile. Partly because I've been really busy at work, partly because I was consumed by the planning of my three year old daughter's birthday party and partly because I've was trying to do all of this while battling some mysterious illness which gave me rotating migraines and stomach ailments. And yes, I had a wicked migraine for the actual birthday party - but it went on as planned and it was a success for her.

All of this has been working in combination with my son's current insistence to get out of bed 3 or 4 times a night and come in to wake me up - most often for no reason what-so-ever. I was feeling quite bedraggled at the beginning of this week and was expressing this to my husband.

He gets pretty upset with me when I get this run down because he sees that I'm spending more time at work than I need to. For those of you that are new to this blog, I'm an Associate Professor in Cancer Research who is currently in the unusual position of being a part time faculty member. I took this position because it would facilitate my husband's recruitment to a more senior position and because I have an adopted daughter who needs extra medical attention. So I'm trying to do my science without anyone in my lab, minimal soft money and no real support from the Department Chairman. My husband's perspective on this is that I should work my 20 hours and get out of the lab. In that extra time, I could do a lot of things for the family to make life run smoother - groceries, shopping - and maybe catch some afternoon snoozes. I can see his point but then he doesn't see this from my perspective.

Yes I agreed to this part time position for the kids and to expedite the move to our new Institute. But that doesn't mean that I became less of a scientist. I'm still driven to do something useful in my field. I still have the same level of interest and desire that drew me to medical research in the first place. I have a pretty crazy schedule running between work and kid's appointments, preparing for birthdays, keeping the house running and feeding the family. But that doesn't dampen my scientific drive.

When I get to work, it feels natural to be there. I have experiments that I want to do; I'm working out a new technique and would love to be able to show it's feasibility for predicting tumor behavior. So from my perspective, I'm trying to keep my scientific career alive and yes, it can get to be a lot when family life interferes - and it often does. In addition, I actually like to have lunch with my husband (Sappy maybe, but true) because with a 4 and 3 year old at home, we don't get much time to sit and talk alone! .

I don't know if I will ever get better at just "doing my time" but I do know the this has taught me something that I don't think I've ever really acknowledged about myslef. I understand better how much of me loves what I do. I used to joke that if this science thing didn't work out I could always teach figure skating and make better money. That's still true but I realize now how difficult it would be to completely walk away from life in the laboratory.

Wish me luck.....

Does your Mother really have to work here?!

2006-09-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

So in our lab (mine and my husband's are currently melded), we try to get people to personally "invest" in their projects because it's their future. We also try to instill in them a sense of community in the lab because the lab environment - how well it runs and how they get along with their colleagues - can greatly impact their's and the lab's success. So to me, these concepts don't seem all that hard. For example:

-we have lab jobs - filling pipet racks, filling water carboy, making shared reagents etc. They rotate quarterly.

-we also have a strict sign in, use, clean up and sign out policy in the tissue culture room. In this way, you should always find the TC hood ready for you when it's your alloted time. Sometimes, the autoclavable waste is full at the end of your session, sometimes the pipet bins need refilling, sometimes the ethanol spray bottle needs refilling. If you do these things when they happen on your "shift", then you should expect that others will do the same for you.

-we ask that you watch shared reagents like gels, antibodies, tissue culture flasks, tissue culture aliquots etc. and when you see them getting low, tell the technician with enough leeway so she can realiquot or reorder to avoid interruptions.

Simple right? Seems like these should be simple human courtesies you learn in kindergarden. Right?

Well, no, actually wrong? Inevitably there is one person in the lab who doesn't feel the need to follow these rules. I interpret this as the "my time is more important that yours so I'll take what I need for my experiments and it's too bad if when it comes to your experiments, they get delayed because the reagent is unavailable" attitude.

Then there's the cleaning up after yourself, good citizen behavior. Especially in the tissue culture room, I find bleach splattered all around, trash on the floor, pipets not refilled waste bins full. This is usually in the morning so of course it's the "I'm in late and want to get home mentality and I know that Dr. Smith will be in first in the morning and will clean it up" mentality.

So I hate to say it but 99% of the time, the problem person is male. And most often, there's one or two females who "see" the lab, notice things and invest in keeping the lab running. Unfortunately, it's usually their experiments which get interrupted by the lack of this other person's lack of social skills.

And so once again, I'm setting up sanctions. Come on people, aren't you 25 years old, and aren't you 31. Why is this so hard? Do you really care that little about your surroundings? Don't you understand that if your labmates are successful, then most likely you and the lab in general will benefit from that? Are you really that self-centered? Does your Mother really have to work here?!

09/11 - and then there was Anna

2006-09-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a sobering day. I watched some of CNN 's re-run of coverage from 09/11/01 and it sure brought back memories. My husband and I were in Nova Scotia on vacation. We had flown up via Logan airport in Boston to Halifax and then rented a car to drive out to where my parents had rented a house on the ocean. It was beautiful weather and a gorgeous location. After a few days there, we took off to drive the Cabot Trail around Cape Breton. We stopped at the half way point to stay at the exquisite Keltic Lodge Resort on Middle Head Pennisula in the Gulf of St. Lawrence. On the morning of 09/11, we took the 1/2 mile trail out to the very end of the Pennisula. On our way back, my husband's cell phone rang. It surprised us because most of Nova Scotia at the time had terrible or no cell phone coverage. It was his brother calling from downtown Manhattan to tell him about the plane flying into the World Trade Center. Fortunately, he was about a mile away from the towers. While on the phone, the second plane hit. We ran to the lodge game room where there was a big screen TV and turned it on. We watched the coverage and as other guests walked through, we explained what was happening. I called my parents back at the beach house to tell them what was going on because I knew there was no TV there and they only got CBC1 on the radio.

Then the plane hit the Pentagon and I remember as clear as day that my husband turned to me and said, "Your country is under attack". I instantly felt sick and my entired gut was tied in knots. I couldn't eat the rest of the day as we drove directly back to be with my parents. We had been scheduled to return shortly but the tiny Halifax airport was now home to over 150 flights who were dirverted when the North American airspace was shut down. And besides, Logan was completely shut down. We thought we would just drive our rental car home but no rental cars were being allowed over the border! We were stuck. We finally drove to Halifax and secured a scarce seat on a train which would take us on a 30-some-odd hour train ride around Maine and through Canada to Windsor Ontario. Our car was parked at the Detroit Airport, just across the Detroit river. Except you had to go over the Ambassador Bridge - a 20 minute drive, on a normal day in history. We hopped in a shared cab with another couple and proceeded to take our 3 hour trip across the bridge and home. I remember stepping through the door of our home, wondering what life would be like after this historical moment.

Fortunately for me though, I don't just have to think about the terrorist attacks on 09/11. Two years ago today on 09/11/04, I was boarding a plane in Amsterdam with my husband and a little bit of a thing, bald-headed, with a cold. It seemed strange to be flying to the US on that day and I couldn't help but wonder if it was so smart to be on a big plane. Still we were coming home after our third and final trip to Russia to bring home our daughter Anna. I will never forget 09/11/01 and what I felt that day. But I also celebrate another 09/11, because a new and promising future began.

Academics, Family and Vacation - my story

2006-09-08T05:07:00.000-07:00

This blog comes under the heading of academics and family vacation, as it relates to my current life anyway. I'll try to keep the ranting to a minimum.

Since moving and setting up shop at big Cancer Center a year and a half ago, we have been struggling to find time as a family to "get away" for a vacation. Part of the problem is the lack of actual vacation days we are alloted here and having to accrue them monthly. In this regard, we were actually demoted upon joining the faculty - despite being Associate Professor level, we had to start at the bottom of vacation days along with all the other newbies. No amount of negotiation changed that. A ridiculous policy if you ask me. I doubt a recruited VP at an Academic Administration level would be treated as such. Don't they understand how stressful it is to move a family with two small children and set up two labs, get things running and learn the ropes? Don't they understand the financial stresses involved in a move, with the buying and selling of a house, and how money can be tight for awhile?

ANYWAY, I finally, after 1 1/2 years, found a solution. Four days post labor day at a house on the beach, just an hour drive from home. Said house is on a pedestrian-only beach, near a new fishing jetty and "clubhouse" with small playground. Beach house is also, and maybe most importantly, dirt cheap for the four days after labor day because well, everyone else is back at work and with kids in kindergarden and up. After making sure my grant reviewing, SPORE-writing, summer course-lecturing, seminar-giving, traveling husband agrees to block off the time, our "vacation" is secured. Of course, it's really only going to be 3 days because we can't get in the house until 4pm on that Tuesday and we have to be out by Friday at 11am. Dr Shellie's off to Alaska for two weeks and Abel PharmBoy hung out in Colorado (although he was ill for part of that). Still, these three days seem to have almost magical possibilities for a family who needs a break...........

Packed up Tuesday morning with a car full of food and amenities for beach house living. Arrive a little early to find the house ready and by 4pm the family was running and playing on the beach. Children are jumping in the waves, digging in the sand. The weather is unusually coolish and dry; perfect beach weather. The sun is up but there's a slight cloud cover to give some protection from the UV rays. I call my parents in New England on my cell phone and gush. They're off to Nova Scotia tomorrow for 10 days. I'm in heaven.

After 2 hours on the beach, we come in for a spaghetti dinner. The kids are bathed and put in bed and my husband is taking pictures of the ships and wildlife on the beach. I rock a bit on the swing on the front porch, watching and listening to the waves and breathing in the salt-water air. My son felt a little warm when he went to bed and he's been sniffling the last 4 days. But I chalked it mostly up to wind and sun, and excitement, gave him a little children's Motrin and he went off to slumberland. My daughter was in a lower part of a bunk bed next to him; perfect height for her because she's still in a toddler bed. She seemed right at home there, not at all perplexed by her new surroundings. She covered herself, placed her thumb securely in her mouth and drifted off to sleep as well.

Next morning the kids are up before the sun - no sleeping late on vacations with a 4 and almost 3 year old! We have our cereal with fruit breakfast and by 8:00am we're on the beach, canopy up. My son has a fever of 101 which seems to respond to Motrin and he acts happy enough so we let him run around on the beach. We're hopelessly trying to fly a kite I bought but without success. Are there tips to flying a kite? We're digging holes, the kids are sitting in them and I'm filling them with water. But by 10:30am, my son is dragging and he wants to go inside. My husband follows him and I stay a little longer on the beach with my daughter. When I do go in, I find my son shivering, glassy-eyed and miserable with 102.7 fever. He says his throat is really really really really really sore (and spikey; I love the way kids describe what they feel) and I look inside; it's really red. I give him some more Motrin and wait an hour. The fever's not responding. He's miserable. I'm worried because this isn't the sniffly cold he's had for the past few days that seemed to be getting better and his fevers ALWAYS respond to Motrin. So I call the doctor's office and wait for the nurse to call back. I know them well by now and trust their judgement. She says we need to be worried about Strep throat but maybe we can wait out the night there and see if he's better tomorrow morning. OK, so here's where I'm a wimp. If my kids are sick, I want to be close to the medical care I trust. Although we're only an hour away from home, we're in the middle of nowhere, medically-speaking. I'm used to hanging out around some top notch medical institutions. So we do the dance - should we stay, should we go, stay, go, stay,go - each one waiting for the other to make the decision. As a mother, I think it would be best if he was in his own bed at home, reinforced by the RST (rapid strep test) to tell me whether it's Strep or not. As a person, I desperately want and need to stay! I need the rejuvenation. But I never want to put that in front of the health of my children. We wait and discuss and watch. I check his throat again. It's covered in white spots now.........his fever is still 102.something on full-throttle Motrin.......we better go home.

It takes less than an hour to pack the car and get going. My husband has a headache on it's way to a migraine so I drive. I cry for about the first 20 minutes of the drive. I'm really frustrated, disappointed, depressed, and angry (although not at my son). We arrive home, my son is miserable and he's now throwing up a little. He still tries to swallow some food but all in all, he's unhappy. At bedtime, he's still 102 ish. I check on him several times through the night at at 1:30am, the fever is 101.5 and he hasn't had Motrin for 9 hours. It seems to be subsiding. By 6am, which is when he wakes me up, he's cool. The RST we took later that day at the doctor's office is negative.................. "vacation" over.

Do I regret coming home? No not really. It was what felt right at the time for my son. Am I really really disappointed? Yup, but just writing this made me realize that for them, the experiences they had on the beach were great although short - and that's what matters really. Am I happy? No, I have a cold now myself and my husband is off for 7 days to Europe - 3 of those days he is spending with his brother in England, relaxing. I don't begrudge him that time with his family whom is doesn't see very often but I'm jealous. I never seem to get that downtime anywhere in my life. Maybe that's what being a Mom is all about.

Probably the most important lesson I've learned is that 3-4 days prior to any vacation, I will no longer allow my children to attend any birthday parties. My doctor and I both agree that letting my son attend a party at Chuck E. Cheeses the Saturday before the travel was probably the culprit. I hate those places anyway but this was one of his few special friends from school and he really wanted to go. And so in the end, the kids are fine........and I'll survive...................I hope!

Young, smart and female - they're out there

2006-09-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

Never fear, there are still some bright young women scientists venturing into the academic world. I met one yesterday.

I have been looking for colleagues to inform me and collaborate with me on the issue of tumor stem cells. After emailing another department chairman, I was referred to a new faculty member - M.D., Ph.D, - who was working in this area at my Institution. We met over lunch at the faculty dining room to discuss what I'm doing and what she's doing, and whether there was a potential area of collaboration.

I was struck by how once again, science in general is a very small world. Turns out she did her undergraduate Chemistry degree at an Institution that I know well - Mt. Holyoke College in Western Massachusetts. This is an women's college, in a bucolic setting - in the vicinity of another top rate women's college, Smith College. The Chemistry department is top notch. I know this campus because I spent the final year of my Ph.D. doing experiments there. My first husband was a faculty member in the Chemistry department and after living separately for 1.5 years, I was able to convince my department at MIT to let me finish my final year of experiments out there. This was interesting because I had to establish my own protocols (i.e. radiation, human subjects, etc.), set up fund accounting, and determine what supplies I needed to do my work. Every two weeks I would travel back into Boston for a lab meeting and visit lab supplies to restock. At the time, I was rewashing, reracking and reusing pipet tips. I decided if I ever had to do this to survive in the lab, I would get out of science! I never realized until later though what a great experience this was for me to get a handle on what it meant, in some small way, to run my own lab. This also reminded me that I've always traveled a unique path when it comes to my science. I left graduate school after one year, worked for a year, came back, then finished my research off campus. Now I'm doing this sort-of-temporary, part time faculty position with no definite grasp on how this is all going to play out in my future. Oh well, it keeps life interesting......

In any case, this young faculty member was clearly the product of a good, strong education. I remember the undergraduate women that I met at Mt. Holyoke. They were smart, headstrong and well aware that they would encounter some obstacles in their professional journeys, solely due to their gender. At the time, I thought some of the stuff they were told was a little "over the top". Looking back I'm not so sure. She was outspoken, well read in her area and clearly driven. She had aligned herself well with the leaders in her field in the local area and was just 6 months into her new faculty position. I think she's going to do fine. My only complaint was that she hadn't mastered the art of listening but I suppose you are so involved in the start of your own lab, you forgot that others might have information to convey.

The sad part was she was already painfully aware of how difficult it would be to survive in academic science in the current climate - whether male or female. She was glad to be active in the clinic, despite the time it drained away from her research. At least she could treat patients and bring in a salary if this "research thing" didn't work out. We agreed to talk more after looking into a few articles and I left feeling good about knowing smart young women are still venturing into this thing we call academic science. I hope she makes it.

Case Western is WISER

2006-08-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

Since my Institution is just now seeking to create an administrative leadership position to development programs in support of women in science, I've been trolling the internet looking at what things are already out there. I came across a really nice program at Case Western Reserve University called ACES (Academic Careers in Engineering and Science). Funded by the NSF "way" back in 2001, just two years after Nancy Hopkins report on equity for women in science at MIT, this program

seeks to contribute to the development of a national science and engineering workforce that includes the full participation of women at all levels of faculty and academic leadership.

There were many aspects of this program I was impressed with but one excellent one was the Advance Opportunity Fund. These were grants designed to maximize the success of women faculty by making available $60,000 grants to ALL women faculty including instructors and research faculty for support of:

-seed funding for unusual research opportunities
-bridge funding when ongoing research funding has been suspended
-grants to support writing of books
-travel to explore new techique or attend advanced training courses
and
-child care to attend a professional meeting or conduct research at another institution. (Harvard included this in their recent $50 million dollar commitment to developing a more equitable research environment for women - I didn't realize Case Western had implemented it years earlier).

Importantly these grants are available to non-tenure track personnel. I can't tell you how many internal funding opportunities I am not eligible for in my current research-track position, and not just becuase I'm part time faculty.

Another interesting aspect of their program was "coaching". Not a mentoring program, which also exists. But a coaching program. What is that I wondered? The objectives of this program were to

1) facilitate professional and personal growth through a structured coaching opportunity, 2) provide academic and career guidance as well as leadership development coaching, 3) promote academic workplace cultures characterized by equality, participation, openness, and accountability and 4) enhance overall retention and advancement of women faculty in the Sciences, Tehcnology, Engineering, and Management disciplines.

They even have a "coaching hotline"! for temporary coaching for one or two "emergency" sessions. Yikes, sign me up!

Finally, I was impressed with the WISER program. WISER stands for Women in Science and Engineering Roundtable which links women science and engineering students in a community with other students, women faculty and postdocs. The WISER program has three aspects for students. First year WISeR students have access to:

WISER SEMINAR "On Being a Scientist". The seminar is aimed at helping you learn how to talk about science by reading scientific articles and news reports of scientific research and discussing them both in terms of the quality of the science and their wider implications.

WISER MENTORING - First year WISER students participate in a mentoring program in which they are matched up with third-year and fourth-year women science majors. These student mentors help navigate the CWRU system with advice on classes, professors, research internships, dorm life, you name it.

WISER WORKSHOPS - First year students and their mentors will attend monthly workshops. These workshops are designed to stimulate discussion and thought about some of the issues related to being a woman in science and to help build skills for success in the university and beyond.

I've bookmarked these sites for future reference. I want what they have now - not only for myself as I carve out my way in this strange, temporary(?), part time science career but for all the young female postdocs and new faculty at my Institution. I promise to hold the new administrator for Women in Science at my Institution to very high standards.

I'll take "The Business of Science 101" please Alex

2006-08-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was reading Science+Professor+Women=Me's blog on War stories and it reminded me about how much our jobs as academic faculty are like small business owners. As a PI, you are the creative force (ideas for projects), financial manager (managing grant money), human resource manager (responsible for the hiring and sometimes firing of your workers) and marketing department (writing of grants, procuring collaborative relationships and seminar speaker), all wrapped up in one. When I set up my first lab, I used to joke that I was going to add "electrician, plumber, and carpenter" to my CV. It's amazing how many times I've discussed rewiring to add emergency power outlets, or discussed sink drainage with physical plant workers. I've crawled behind incubators, under tissue culture hoods and on top of benches to keep the lab running.

Either I had my head too far in my lab book or I never realized how my PhD and postdoc didn't really totally prepare me for running a lab. As a graduate student and postdoc, my life centered around the wet lab and manuscript writing. Then suddenly as a lab PI, I was pushing a lot more paper around on my desk and dealing with a lot of human issues. One of my favorites was calling a NY-based moving company and threatening to descend the corporate lawyers upon them if they didn't release my Thai graduate student's belongings for delivery by the contractual date in two days. They were taking advantage of her poor English to hold her belongings for ransom until they had a reason to drive a truck out our way. And there's the postdoc who I hired against my better judgement (and gut feeling). At her second yearly review, we spent close to two hours discussing why I was giving her a negative review, at the end of which she replied, "So am I getting a promotion?"

Based on my experiences over the last 10 years, I think I would change the cirriculum for science graduate students to include two additional courses: Grant Accounting 101 and Personnel Management 101. Grant accounting because to this day I can't read the financial spreadsheets that accounting sends me to let me know how my money is being distributed and spent. In my last position I was blessed with a deparmental financial administrator who loved numbers and always made sure all money was used appropriately and fully. She hated giving money back to the government. And all kidding aside, Personnel Management 101 training could be really useful because labs are small communities with people of different personalities, different bench-styles, and different likes and dislikes. It can be quite challenging to keep the lab environment positive; a shared interest in a research area is often not enough. I think I would have appreciated some insight into what my management style was, the types of human issues that a laboratory head might encounter and some management tricks of the trade would probably come in handy.

SciMom: I'll take the Business of Science for 100, Alex.
Alex: The answer is: Academic Science Faculty position
SciMom: What is a job where you get a PhD (4-6 years), perform at least one postdoc (2-4 years) and despite all that additional training, will still be required to find the funding for your own salary?

Hmmmm...........

What a Mom wants, What a Mom needs

2006-08-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

I've been having a great time reading my favorite women scientist blogs ( Dr. Shellie, YoungFemaleScientist, Post Doc ergo Propter Doc, Dr. Mom, and Science+Professor+Woman=Me), and following their experiences and thoughts about the trials and tribulations of being a scientist and sometimes a mother at the same time. I've been reflecting a lot on my current academic position as my yearly review is coming up with my chairman and I'm not really sure what to expect. Our original agreement was to offer me a temporary, part-time research associate faculty position for "a few years" in order for me to have the time to take care of some of my daughter's medical needs. (for any new readers, my husband was the recruit they were after but they had to create a position for me if they wanted him to come!).

I am appreciative of my Institute's willingness to invent this type of position for me because I think I'm the only one in existence here. Upon my hiring, the benefits people couldn't produce a benefits book that explained my particular situation and what types of coverage I had. I think they made it up as they went along. My favorite moment was when they told me I wasn't "eligible" to be supplied with lab coats because of my part time status. Fortunately, half way through trying to explain to me why that was, even though I was going to be doing research in the laboratory, the woman stopped mid-sentence and said, "Now that's just dumb, even Visiting Scientists get lab coats. We'll sign you up for your lab coats"!

But now that I've been working for over a year, I've seen some downfalls to this particular situation. First, despite your part time status, the unwritten expectations are actually still the same - get your work funded, get an R01. With only a technician in the lab full time and me in the lab part time, that's a pretty unreachable goal. Even more so now with the funding levels below 10%. Second, even though I've been assigned an administrative assistant, my part time status makes me a bit of an afterthought. I get these resentful looks whenever I walk down to ask for something. Third, full time faculty get a generous PDA (personal development allowance) which they can use for conference travel, books, computer purchases, etc. I guess I expected that I might get some amount, maybe half? But I actually get nothing. So how am I expected to travel to conferences and join important associations, to keep myself viable in this interim position?

Well, my impending review has got me thinking about what types of "out of the ordinary" positions could be fashioned for women in science, especially during the "small children years"? Based on my experience, and despite it's downfalls, the ability to be "part time" for a short period has been invaluable. Wouldn't it be useful if a temporary "part time" status was available to mothers (or fathers) following the end of traditional maternity leave? This would allow women to stay competitive in their science but still have the flexibility to work fewer hours for a short period of time. Even I've experienced the constant sicknesses that come with moving children from "in home" care to "daycare". Of course, a part time position would require a sacrifice on the part of the scientist as they would have a smaller salary, but it would lessen the financial burden on the department for that period of time which might make them more supportive towards this type of arrangement. I wonder if women would take advantage of this type of opportunity in addition to suspending the tenure clock for a year?

Does anyone have any other ideas about creating unique academic situations that might help maintain women in the sciences through the difficult early childrearing years? I'd love to hear them.

My Motto to Live By

2006-08-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

When I reacquainted myself with my Rules for Success that I had taped next to my computer, I also noticed another piece of paper hanging next to it. It was in an email that someone sent to me that still makes me laugh. I've sort of adopted it as my life's motto. It read:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, latte in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!!

Based on my mirror lately, I'm well on my way! The last 6 years have seen the adoption of my two children, a complete redirection in my life, several medical scares and two major location moves. I've certainly aged in these years but it's sure been a ride!

Speak Up, Speak Out

2006-08-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

I broke one of my own career rules yesterday. I was attending a seminar for a departmental candidate along with my husband. Another faculty, who had emailed my husband concerning sharing reagents for a mammalian inducible expression system, was also in attendance. My husband had passed this email along to me because I have successfully used this system in my laboratory, I have the reagents, and I have the experience to help them out. I emailed back the contact person in this lab who was actually going to use it and we got together and exchanged the necessary components and information. Well, at this seminar, the PI thanked my husband for supplying the inducible system reagents. I was sitting right next to him and I didn't say anything. I broke my career rule Number 1: Speak Up, Speak Out.

What are my rules? They were extracted from a book by Gail Evans called Play Like A Man Win Like A Woman. I haven't read the book but the Six Rules of Success that I printed out were excerpted from this book on a website I was looking at some 5-6 years ago (I don't remember which one, sorry). The stories on Science+Professor+Women=Me's, YoungFemaleScientist's and ScienceWoman's blogs that I've been reading lately reminded me of these rules which I have taped next to my computer.

The Six Rules for Success were listed as follows:

1. Speak Up, Speak Out: Sit at the front of the room. Voice your opinions. Make eye contact. Get noticed.

2. Toot Your Own Horn: Men learn to call attention to their deeds. Women need to do the same. Take credit for your accomplishments.

3. Don't Expect to Make Friends: Remember that your job is only part of who you are. Making friends is not an objective of a business situation. It's just nice when it happens.

4. Accept Uncertainty: Have faith in your ability to perform and stop worrying about tackling a new job. There's no such thing as absolute certainty. Part of being good at work is learning to improvise.

5. Take Risks: You can't get ahead without sticking your neck out. Remember that failures are learning experiences that can lead to successes.

6. Don't Assume Responsibility Without Authority: Avoid volunteering for tasks where key people don't report to you. Offer your services only when you are certain there is a career opportunity. (this one I'm always doing......)
(adapted from Gail Evans' book by Victoria Fung)

You can find a more extensive list of the "rules" and a really good review of the book here as well.

So why didn't I speak up and say something to the effect of

"I'm so happy my lab could provide your lab with these reagents. We've had a lot of success generating inducible mammalian cells with this system so feel free to call me if you have any technical questions or need to do some troubleshooting"?

Maybe it's because it was my husband and I don't feel threatened by any successes that he might have. But then again, as you know if you've been reading this blog, I struggle with gaining the respect of my colleagues because I was "the wife of the recruit".

I should have spoken up. It would have created a situation where there was direct eye contact (rule #1) and recognition of my position with a senior member of another department (also rule #1). It's a missed opportunity. I put Gail Evans' book on my Amazon.com wish list. I'll get it as soon as I finish reading Pope Joan and Siblings without Rivalry.

Am I doing anything well?

2006-07-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting to be struck by creative lightning to write something interesting on my blog. In the meantime, I've been reading a lot of blogs lately about women scientists and their careers, challenges, accomplishments etc. I've shared some of these women's experiences, some are different than mine. I feel like there is a community of women out there that I have a lot in common with and yet at the same time I feel completely isolated. Then it hit me. That's what been bothering me lately. I feel alone at sea in my own complex world of science and motherhood. I moved to my current position about 1.5 years ago and I made a calculated decision to "sign up" for a part time academic research faculty position to allow for my husband's career to flourish but also to take the time to get my youngest the physical and occupational therapies that she needs. It was a calculated decision for all the right reasons. So why the glum face?
I don't know anyone like me. I'm 45 year old associate professor level scientist, and an older parent with a 4 year old and a 2.5 year old. I'm part time but really, let's not kid ourselves, there's no doing part-time science. I'm at work a lot more (by my own choice) because I don't want to disappear from the scientific world that I love and gain so much energy from. And yet, I don't feel a part of my department. I didn't interview for the position; it was just created. I'm the wife of the recruit. I don't publicize my part-time status. It makes me feel like an impostor - someone who doesn't possess the ability to be academically successful full time while having young children. I don't have anyone in my lab now except a technician whose leaving. I'm the only hands on my project and I'm just trying to make slow and steady progress. I think there must be very few people who know what it feels like to try to do science with little money, no extra hands and little support or interest from others, especially in this era of limited governmental funding. I'm my own motivator, my own creative director, my own data generator. The energy tank is getting low.

Then there's the Mommy me. I have the responsibility of the two children every morning. I get them up, feed them, dress them, get all of their preschool "stuff" together and get them to their respective schools. Some mornings it takes all my energy to accomplish just the above. And I especially hate Mondays because of all the nap linens and swim stuff that accompanies the usual packs and such. When I get to work, it feels like it should be "me" time! I just want to sit down and have a nice cup of coffee and a muffin and browse the internet.

Then it starts again in the afternoon. I pick up the kids. I never know what I will get but often I get whining about stopping for a donut or arguing over what CD to play (yes I did say the kids are 4 and 2.5 years old). I get home in time to start dinner. I used to enjoy cooking. Now it's just a chore. Two picky eaters sap the fun out of trying new things. Sometimes the play in the next room gets loud and rowdy and I resent it. It's been a long day and my experiment didn't work! I yell and then I feel bad. How come I took this part time position to be a better parent and now I'm losing it over some loud screaming in the play microphone?

When the kids are finally in bed and asleep, I see all the laundry and picking up and next day preparation that needs to be done. If I choose to sit down to watch a show on TV, I may not get up again. Then I feel like I've wasted my precious night hours. Finally, I flop exhausted into bed at the end of the day and wonder if I feel like I'm failing at work AND I feel like I'm not being a good parent, what the heck am I doing?

See this just turned into a bitching session..... I knew I didn't have anything worthwhile to add to my blog.

Commenting on the commentary

2006-07-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was just reading Dr. Barres commentary in the July 13th issue of Nature addressing the current "hot" topic of gender issues relating to the ability of women to succeed in science. I would do a synopsis of the article but a nice one was already done by Propter Doc with a follow up. I confess to having only discovered this issue of Nature because I was rifling through a pile of "stuff" that has been accumulating on my kitchen counter because a) said husband just celebrated his 40th and I was running around like a lunatic trying to make it special, b) I subscribe to the local newspaper but only get around to reading it about once a week, c) I'm behind in reading both my Parents and Parenting magazines and my Bon Appetite issues ( I have two picky eaters of 4.5 and 2.5 years of age; I should give up the Bon Appetite) and d) there was some mail like this issue of Nature that had somehow found it's way under the large box holding my 24 hour urine sample kit - a story for another blog!

Anyway, I'd like to add two comments to Dr. Barres' article and Propter Doc's synopsis for doing a better job of advancing women in the science fields. First, I think academic institutions should add a list of women faculty, their contact information as well as academic interests into the new recruit folders for every female graduate student, postdoc and faculty member. The ELSO database that was just set up in Europe is a great example of how a compilation of such information on women in science can benefit young women entering or thinking of entering science. And to follow that up, we women in academics need to do a better job as serving as mentors for these women. As I've blogged before, I've worked with women who when they "made" it, forgot what it was about the system that made it so hard for them to reach the point where they are. Thank goodness some really good scientists like Dr. Nusslein-Volhard who, despite being a Nobel Prize winner, can still see the struggles of young female scientists.

Second, as Harvard seems to have committed to doing and Dr. Nusslein-Volhard is doing, let's put some money where it really counts. Child-care benefits, re-entry grants, equivalent start-up packages and mentoring-grants. Let's stop talking about the genetics of women's ability until we equalize the social barriers that exist to their advancement.

Sehr gut Dr. Nusslein-Volhard

2006-07-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

I was reading the latest email of WICR member news from WICR communication guru Pam Marino and ran across another interesting story about women in science. This caught my eye for two reasons. One because it was something done by Dr. Christiane Nüsslein-Volhard, a woman scientist who won the Nobel Prize in 1995 along with Dr. Wieschaus and Edward B. Lewis for their characterizedaion as to how the genes in a fertilized egg direct the formation of an embryo. Dr. Nüsslein-Volhard was just the 10th woman to win a Nobel Prize in one of the sciences. But second, if that isn't amazing enough, she then set up a foundation in her name to award grants to promising German women scientists to help in the care of children and running of the household. She was recently interviewed by Claudia Dreifus for the New York Times (videos also available). In reading this, I was stunned to learn that she never had children and yet understands the drain they can have on a woman's career. In the interview she states:

In German science, we have a special problem. We lose talented women at the time they get pregnant. Some of it occurs because they are encouraged — by their husbands, bosses and the government — to take long maternity leaves. Germanic thinking has it that children can only be properly brought up if the actual mother is cleaning and picking up. Many stop their research for two or three years. Later, these young women find it difficult to get back. They drop out.

I don't think this is a German-specific problem except that in the US the long maternity/family leaves don't exist. I can see where a year out of the lab would make it incredibly difficult to ge back in and be competitive, even if your job is still there waiting for you.

She was also asked about Harvard University's Lawrence Summers comments on women and science which I've blogged on previously. Her response:

In mathematics and science, there is no difference in the intelligence of men and women. The difference in genes between men and women is simply the Y chromosome, which has nothing to do with intelligence.
What troubles me is that some might think: "Well, if the president of Harvard says this, it must be true. He's just being attacked because he said something politically incorrect." What Summers said was scientifically incorrect.

Thank you for the level-headed and unemotional response to that story.

And despite having won the Nobel Prize, apparently her skill in the kitchen still gets mentioned in articles about her:

Q. Every article I've read about you mentions that you bake an incredible chocolate cake. Why is that?
A. It's true! They want to make sure "she's still a woman." There is terrible prejudice against women who are successful. If she's beautiful, she must be stupid. And if a woman is smart, she must be ugly — or nasty. I think it makes some people feel better to learn I bake good chocolate cake.

So nice to see a smart, level-headed scientist who made it to the pinnacle of her career, use her position to do something practical about keeping talented women in the science field. I know there are many nights when I look at the work bag and then look at the play room looking like the result of a nuclear explosion, the information about tomorrow's field trip, the swimsuits that need to be clean for tomorrow's splash day, the blueberries I bought days ago in hopes of making muffins for the kids breakfast and I have to say, 95% of the time, the work loses out. If I actually sit down to do something work related at night, it's not until after 10pm.

No offense to husbands who do more than most husbands (like mine) but you don't see half of what I do to keep the household and children's lives running. It's no wonder I'm good at printing out scientific papers but never seem to find the time to read them. Maybe a grant to pay someone to read papers and distill the informaition into one useful paragraph should be established - now there's something I could really use!

Tumors have faces

2006-07-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

I read with great sadness Abel PharmBoy's story about the unexpected death of the brother of one of his past lab workers from a staph infection, related to his treatment for osteosarcoma. This young man was battling his cancer, and seemingly doing well. To be felled by an opportunistic infection seems unfair.

These kinds of stories always seem to hit me more emotionally now than they used to. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or maybe it's because I have two small children. I don't know. Since I work in the cancer research field, I spend a lot of time thinking about cancer. It's a lot easier to do this if you forget the patients and the people behind the tumors. We cancer researchers talk about our "tumor banks" as prized possessions, which they are for research purposes. Yet it can seem a bit glib at times to be "glad" to have such extensive ones. We like to say in our manuscript introductions "over 170,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in the US this year". But those numbers and tumors have families, dreams, futures and potential - most of which will be cut short. I had an experience back when I first opened my own cancer research lab that has stayed with me all these years and always reminds me that tumors have faces.

I had just started my first independent laboratory at a University where the 1995 America's Cup yacht race was being played out. This was the year America3 had its first ever, all-female crew. The wife of one of the coaches for the America3 team had been diagnosed and was being treated locally for breast cancer. She wanted to hold a fund-raising event for breast cancer research to benefit the Cancer Center and for some reason, my laboratory was selected as the destination for these funds. I remember meeting Candace. She was a warm, open, engaging, energetic and smart woman; I liked her instantly. She was excited about doing something for breast cancer research. You wouldn't have even known she was sick, except her hair was gone from the chemotherapy.

The fundraiser was a chance to take a sail with the crew on the America3 training boat. Now I have some sailing experience from my youth, racing on a 14 foot Lightning at our local sail club, but this was something altogether different. You really got a feel for the science and technology that went into designing this spectacular boat. What was even more impressive was that the crew took the time, during this very intense and important yachting event, to hold this fundraiser. It was quite successful and along with some matching dollars, made a respectable contribution to my budget. I felt an enormous responsibility to Candace and the Cancer Center to use this money wisely. After all, it came from the hard work and dedication of someone currently battling breast cancer.

When the race was over, I had the opportunity to meet Candace for lunch at my favorite local restaurant overlooking the ocean. She was upbeat, exicted about the potential of being associated with the next America's Cup in New Zealand in a few years, and thrilled to have her hair growing back. She showed me a picture of her two little girls (aged 8 and 5 then I think) dressed in frilly sundresses and floppy hats- beautiful kids. I have that picture seared in my mind because they were so adorable and I wondered how it was she balanced such a positive attitude with the thoughts of potentially missing out on the trials and triumphs of those two beautiful children. We hugged, we wished each other well and we parted.

Some months later, and I really can't remember when, I returned to my office and listened to my phone messages. On one message was the voice of a male but he spoke so softly I couldn't understand the message. I must have played it 20 times. Then I finally deciphered it as Candace's husband calling to tell me she had passed away (was I really on the "must call" list? I was so humbled by that). I called him back and spoke to him briefly but what could I say? I hung up and just sat for awhile. I thought about the face behind that tumor and that battle with breast cancer. I felt depressed. I felt sad for the family to have lost such a strong and vibrant woman.

For some reason, even before Abel PharmBoy's post, I'd been thinking about Candace a lot lately. I wondered how her family was doing but I hadn't kept in touch and did I want to intrude on their lives if I was a reminder of a very bad time they had put behind them. Armed with little information, a 15 minute internet search connected me with her husband's place of work. I sent an email to the company and left it up to him to return my email. Much to my surprise, he did and we exchanged updates on our lives. The family is doing well and he added:

"All they way to the end Candace did whatever she could to help others. If the A3 fund racer helped you in your mission to find a cure and possibly have let other cancer victims spend some more time with their loved ones she would have been so pleased."

I kept Candace's pathology report on my desk for many years and through many moves, as a reminder that tumors have faces. For me it's important to remember that what I am doing is not just for the advancement of science and yes, a "cure" for cancer, but more importantly, it's for people like Candace; it's for the patient and their children and the lost time.

A viral 4th

2006-07-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'm resurfacing after a 7 day fight with what must be the worst "viral" infection I've ever had. I slight cold turned into a massive sore throat and an nasal-only cold like I've never had before. That turned into a high fever and vomiting, flat on my back for two days experience from which I have been slowly crawling back to normal existence. The kindly doctor on call on Monday (I could post forever on why these things always happen over a holiday weekend!) prescribed me Azithromycin on the off chance it was strep throat although she didn't think I would have the whole body symptoms. At this point I was thinking of strep that had gone systemic - for some reason I've never forgotten that Jim Henson of The Muppets fame, died of systemic strep after ignoring a sore throat. Anyway 3 hours after taking the first double dose of a short course of this antibiotic, I developed a rapid pulse, flushed face and neck and a general uneasiness about taking anymore of it. I called the pharamcist and I could tell he was reading the same info I had in front of me - not very useful. I went on line and found some additional information on the side effects of this antibiotic. Now I'm not a pharamcist nor an MD but as a cancer researcher I hang out with a lot of them and my general interest in medicine has allowed me a reasonable enough background to look on line and make some simple decisions for myself. I am a strong proponent of taking and finishing your meds but in this case, I discontinued them.

I'm grateful for the on call doctor. She spent at least 5 minutes talking to me. In what was most likely a more female-type question, she asked about kids in the house and recent sicknesses. Well, yes two weeks ago both kids had an "out of nowhere" fever for 24-36 hours. Oh and yes, the little 2.5 year old who never throws up, projectile vomited all over me and the bedroom one night for an hour about a week ago, and then went happily off to sleep. I guess what I've learned is that you don't always have "Mommy-immunity", which I seem to have a lot compared to my husband, even though I ususally do most of the sick-child caring.

Thankfully I have a husband who took over last Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning to allow me to just vegetate and be miserable in bed. I don't know what they ate, wore, did, what time they went to bed, nothing (and I usually know ALL of these things). These kind of wipe-outs for me really hit me emotionally too because I can't be there for my family. It really makes you realize how lucky you are when you have your health. Don't ever take it lightly.

One small step for womankind

2006-06-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard of the controversy sparked by Harvard University's soon to be ex-President Lawrence Summers last year over his comments at a session on the progress of women in academia organized by the National Bureau of Economic Research in Cambridge, Mass. In his speech, he mused that genetics might help explain why fewer women than men reach top scientific posts. Nancy Hopkins, a biology professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who listened to part of Summers's speech Friday, got up and left. You may recall Nancy was largely responsible for "encouraging" MIT to revisit some of it's hiring practices for women scientists. Public opinion went both ways on Dr. Summers comments although most believed them to to ill-placed. I think we've barely begun to address the social issues impacting women, to say anything about the "genetics" of their success in science.

Apparently in the wake of the uproar, Harvard University set aside $50 million to help women and minority employees. A report has just been issued detailing how the initial few millions will be spent by the new office of faculty development and diversity. As stated in the CNN report:

It includes a 53 percent increase in child-care scholarships, plus other steps such as funding for child-care grants when faculty and staff travel to professional conferences....Harvard also will create university-wide parental leave guidelines, increase by 50 percent its subsidy to six existing day-care centers, and provide more staff and equipment so junior professors can conduct research more efficiently en route to tenure.

By George, I think we're getting it. Finally some tangible progress. I can say from my own experience that having small children with both parents in the scientific field impacts greatly on each one's ability to work the long required hours as well as their ability to travel to important scientific conferences. I've missed seminars and special events because of my spouse's travel/work schedule, which because his position responsibilities often have to take precedent. I think it's encouraging that the new Office has clearly identified child-care as a major factor impacting a woman's ability to maintain competitiveness within her chosen field. Such support will also benefit male scientists as well. So something positive came out of that speech, which might not have garnered much attention had Nancy Hopkins and others not walked out in the middle of it. Will others follow suit?

Across the pond

2006-06-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going to get on my "women in science" bandwagon and once again high five the European Life Sciences Organization (ELSO) for creating a Database of Expert Women in the Molecular Life Sciences to increase the visibility of European women from post-docs to senior group leaders. I came across this article via Pam Marino, Women in Cancer Research's Communication guru. In Karla Neugebauer's article in PLoS Biology, she brings up an interesting point.

Governments and scientific organizations are logically concerned about the failure of women to progress in science because they provide the resources for scientific education and training—from primary schooling to university education, to pre- and post-doctoral fellowships.
Their gamble is that this investment will provide returns in the form of discovery and technological innovation. If 50% of the beneficiaries do not advance within their fields, this is perceived as a waste of education and training. Clearly, not every post-graduate student of science can become a professor—there are simply not enough professorships to go around. However, we place faith in our merit-based system of hiring and funding as the means of selecting the best talent to lead science, technology, society, and our economies into the future. But unless something changes, much of our female talent will continue to be permanently lost to science.

Now call me crazy but this makes logical and financial sense to me but I don't believe this aspect of the attrition of women in science has hit American academic research on the head yet. (By the way, Karla M. Neugebauer is a group leader at the Max Planck Institute of Molecular Cell Biology and Genetics in Dresden, Germany, and a member of the Career Development Committee of ELSO. She currently manages ELSO's Database of Expert Women in the Molecular Life Sciences).

Intrigued by the database, I went to the ELSO Career Development Committee page. I was impressed. Clicking on the database brings you the names of 370 "expert women" whose pedigrees, areas of interest and pubmed publications can be researched by a single click of the mouse. What also caught my eye was the mentoring resources listed under the Women in Science link in the left column. These are resources specific to women. Even more links can be found under the Mentoring Resources link in the same left column.

This then prompted me to search the Women in Cancer Research part of the AACR website, which by the way is deftly hidden under the Membership tab. I was hard pressed to find the word "mentoring" except in Point 4 under the Mission and Purposes section. I did surprisingly find, under the WICR leadership link on the left bottom a description of several conferences held on professional career development with an emphasis on women in science. The last one was held in 2004. I follow this with two questions, 1) Why did these stop and 2) I'm on the WICR email list and a member of WICR. Why was I not aware that these had taken place?

Yes, I admit it. I'm a disgruntled WICR member. I have some experience with this organization and I think it's lost it's focus. The Council is now populated with high profile women at the advanced stages of their career, except for one lone Assistant Professor. I supported their move from independent entity to bonafide council within AACR. I'm revisiting that decision. When that occurred, it suddenly became of interest to more of the established women scientists who didn't give it much of a turn of the head before. Granted some amazing women started this council - like Leila Diamond and Bridgit Leventhal. I wonder what they would think of it now.

This all leads me back to a previous post which suggests that Europe seems to be way ahead of the curve in trying to better address women's issues as they relate to scientific careers. Maybe it's time to move across the pond....

When to get out...

2006-06-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot these days about career changes. The situation with NIH is bleak. Even the most talented grant writers, of which I am not one, are having trouble getting funded. Star players are getting triaged. I recently had yet another grant declined - the payline was 6.8%!!! It was a small, one year award but I've come to realize that people are searching for whatever grant money they can find - so even the small grants are sought after by the big labs. There were almost 1700 applications for this very specific grant.

This experience makes me wonder if I can survive in the current climate. I was confident in my ability to be funded if the paylines stayed at 18-20% but less than 10%, I don't know. I find this depressing because such low paylines force reviewers to fund "what they know" and many interesting genes, pathways, concepts, etc. will never be investigated. This seems contradictory to what scientific research is all about. So when is it time to get out? And what's out there anyway? Once you get to a certain career point, you are most likely too specialized to move freely between academic, pharmaceutical and/or industry.

It's always seemed pretty clear to me in figure skating when it was the right time for some competitors to get out. Take Michelle Kwan for example. She should have "left" the sport a few years ago. She had not progressed technically for 4 years and she wasn't maintaining her status at the world level. I think much the same for Sasha Cohen. He chance for an Olympic Gold medal came and went. She won her Silver. She had everything to be an Olympic superstar - grace, athletic skill, the look - but lacked that competitive edge that holds you up under the pressure of such World competitions. I think she should join the ranks of the professionals and inspire us all with her spectacular presence on the ice. She's on the USFSA A team envelope for next season's competitions, maybe just to keep her options open to the last minute....but I hope she doesn't make a "Kwan" mistake.

It's so easy to see when others should move on. Why is it so hard to move on ourselves? Maybe if the options were there, it wouldn't be so hard.............

Feeling connected

2006-05-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much a neophyte when it comes to blogging but I'm learning through reading other blogs. I like this little applet which graphically represents websites . Despite the fact that only a few people actually read this blog, this makes me feel more connected to the web world.

Now back to the stuff I should be doing : reviewing a manuscript for a cancer research journal, data crunching in nightmarish microsoft excel, preparing a presentation for a lab meeting tomorrow, and remembering to call about those contacts which are supposed to allow me to actually read up close. On a tangent, that should be my question for the day: "Why do they make the writing on children's medicine so small? One of the problems with being an "older" parent I guess.

Anchors Away...

2006-05-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm angry. Yet another glass ceiling resealed. Tonight on the ABC World News broadcast, Elizabeth Vargas closed with this note

Before we leave tonight, a note about change. There's been a lot of it on this broadcast. From Peter Jennings' announcement that he had lung cancer, to his death, to the decision to name Bob Woodruff and me as the new anchors.

Bob's injury in Iraq forced us — yet again — to change the way we planned to cover the news and now, another new chapter will begin. As of Monday, Charles Gibson will be taking the helm of this broadcast as I focus on anchoring "20/20" and the arrival of my new child.

I have been a big fan of Elizabeth Vargas and was pleased when she was selected to co-anchor the news after filling in following the death of Peter Jennings. But now we find out she's been "replaced" and in essence demoted to just anchoring "20/20". It's my belief that this is not solely her choice and is in part due to the impending birth of her child. Sad again that a woman who has reached the pinnical of her career has it derailed when maternity leave hoovers.

Sad too now that Katie Couric will be taking over the CBS news. Now I think Katie was great on the Today Show where perkiness is required. But I can't warm up to her anchoring the evening news. It's said that CBS news is going for the younger demographics - which I am definitely not a part of - but maybe they don't realize that these kids are getting their news from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I have to say to Katie, "You go girl!". We've lost a talented newswoman from an important anchor position so we better support the other new girl on the block.

Taking the Initiative

2006-05-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite bloggers Abel PharmBoy sent me a link to Duke University's Women's Initiative Project in response to some of my posts regarding women's issues in science. This was a study commisioned by the outgoing President of Duke, Nannerl O. Keohane. As stated by now President Richard H. Brodhead:

The comprehensiveness of the Women's Initiative report remains its most striking feature. Rather than studying a single segment of the university community, a team of task forces considered the full set of women's experiences within the university: the lives of women faculty, staff, graduate students, undergraduates, and alumnae as well. Through this breadth of focus, the report was able to highlight issues that link the experience of women across categories, such as the critical role of mentorship. At the same time, the study noted that the most salient issues for women in the university are often specific to their position, so that a women's agenda needs to have many different parts

I encourage readers to go look at this study and what Duke has done to address the issues of women in academia. It's an interesting and encouraging read. It brought up one of the issues I spoke about in an earlier blog on mentoring. Finding a mentor as a female scientist is difficult in general. Finding a senior female mentor even more so. I wish women in their respective academic institutions would form their own mentoring groups such that their names, contact information and/or meeting times could be given to recently recruited women faculty upon their arrival at their new Institutions.

I would love to hear from other academic women about programs that exist at their respective institutions, especially if they relate to the mentoring of women faculty at all levels.

Time to be Mommy

2006-05-04T05:16:00.000-07:00

I have a few things I want to put on the blog but they'll have to wait. Today our two year old daughter goes into the hospital for eye surgery. We've had to postpone this twice before due to illness. In fact last fall was a terrible time for both children and sickness. It went way beyond the 6 month, "sick-all-the-time because of entering preschool" ordeal. I can't think of more than a month total that I had my "normal" working schedule from September 2005 through March 2006. It was tough on the science and the delays in research results in part cost me my R01 resubmission. Oh well, these are the struggles I have now that we have two children. Thankfully the cold she came down with last week has been a minor one and she is well enough for surgery. Of course, my son came down with the cold (who says kids don't share!) two days ago and so I'm concerned about him having to go to preschool slightly under the weather. I'm usually the Mom who keeps them out a day or two to give them time to recover by being home, and to try not to spread all the germs to the other kids. I've found this not to be the norm though - I've seen a lot of very sick kids being dropped off. I guess it's the product of our current society.

In any case, I will be out of work for the next few days as she recovers. I'll be glad when this is behind us and I can once again try to concentrate on my science and not worrying about her impending surgery.

A Time for Mentors

2006-04-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

With my husband traveling for 5 days to a conference and me with the kids, I find very little time for blogging (or anything else intellectual or relaxing!) but while the kids nap, I finally sat outside in the sunny 80 degree weather here to read through the latest Nature. I was pleased to find a small bit in the editorials concerning mentoring awards ("Mentoring award 2006", Nature 440:970, 2006).

Once again my hats off to the UK. Last year Nature/NESTA sponsored awards for creative mentoring in science. This year the program includes both the UK and Australasia. I have always been a proponent for recognizing the skill of mentoring. As rightly stated in this short editorial, " There are many heads of labs whose students have turned into outstanding scientists, but all too often such cases have exemplified survival of the fittest rather than being the product of deliberate nurturing." I agree. I have always enjoyed and have spent a lot of time mentoring PhD students, undergraduates wanting some lab experience and in my other "profession" of figure skating coach, 6 - 70 year olds pursuing ice dancing goals. I have reaped great rewards from these mentoring relationships and my students have gone on to receive national fellowships in science and acheived higher dance test goals than they ever thought they could.

A few years ago when I was serving on the fledgling WICR (Women in Cancer Research) council prior to it's acceptance as a component within the AACR (American Association of Cancer Research), I often brought up the idea of rewarding in a small way, the mentoring talents of women in science. It was never received with much enthusiam and the focus was on sponsoring a high profile award lecture at the national meeting, which didn't necessarily have to go to a woman. I believed then and still do now, that WICR is not serving women in cancer research in many of the areas that they most need. This includes possible grants for re-entry into science, that I talked about in my last blog. So far it's UK 2, US 0!

Where are the women?

2006-04-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

I read an interesting essay in Nature Reviews Molecular Cell Biology by Fiona Watt (Nature Reviews Molecular Cell Biology 7:287-290,2006), looking at the issues concerning the attrition of women as senior scientists. One issue Dr. Watt mentions is the process of "re-entry" into science for women (and men) who have had to step back for family, health or other reasons. She writes:
"In addition, to legislation that prevents discrimination on the grounds of sex, there have been various initiatives to encourage women to remain in science. A practical example is The Wellcome Trust's re-entry fellowships scheme in the UK, which was launched in 1994. This gives scientists the opportunity to re-embark on a scientific career after a break, and allows them to work part-time if they choose. Most people think of a break as lasting a year or two, but it is possible to re-establish a scientific career after a break of more than 10 years."

I say "Bravo" to the Wellcome Trust for their support of a non-traditional science career. Unfortunately, Dr. Watt does not mention that such programs do not exist in the United States. Many years ago, the NIH had such a re-entry grant which was very underpublized although I was aware of one person who received one, and this was a male faculty member! However, these, along with such funding mechanisms as the R29, have been discarded. Now one can check the box "New Investigator" on an R01 application. In my personal experience having sat on study sections for 15 years now, this makes little difference. The R01's get reviewed equally with R01s from "established investigators".

Why is this issue important to me? Because I'm one of those women who has had to take a "non-traditional" route to my science career, for the sake of my husband's scientific career. In our most recent move to BTCC (Big Time Cancer Center) in the Southwest, I took a non-tenure track, part-time position with no lab space and no start-up money to facilitate my husband's significant career move. I was not necessarily against this decision for a year or two, but now I realize how much I have put my scientific career in jeopardy - a lack of interest in my career from the department chair and the current diminishing NIH budget pretty much makes it impossible for me to succeed at the level of an R01. In addition, what I was not aware of was that this part-time position prevents me from competing for any of the internal funds which are available to other investigators. Why I ask is that? I want to add that my "part-time" status makes very little difference in the amount of time I spend in the lab and was taken in part for flexibility reasons to deal with health issues for one of our children.

It now makes me wonder why I worked so hard to obtain an Associate Professor level after obtaining a PhD at HPU (High Profile University) in New England and a postdoc with a world reknowned cancer biologist. I'm sure some will see this as complaining. However, I only wish to open up a dialogue to say that there are many routes to a successful science career and sometimes those careers can get derailed. Science should be more open to these issues and avenues, especially for women as they will almost always be the ones who have to deal with these situations. I couldn't forsee this future 10 years ago and my goal still remains to be a successful scientist, and add something important to the field of preventing and/or treating cancer. I end by asking the question: "Why don't such groups like the Women in Cancer Research group within AACR or the Avon Foundation and other private funders of cancer research, support such women's issues and offer such fellowships to help stop the attrition of good women scientists from the field of cancer research?"

Intro to Doubleloop

2006-04-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to my blog. This is my madien voyage into the world of blogging. I am a research scientist who has become a Mom late in life. In addition, I am following my husband around as his career takes off. All of these things have greatly affected who I am and where my career is headed. Some of it good, some of it not so good. I've long been interested in women in science, how they "make it" and what the obstacles are to getting to where they're going so I hope to blog about those issues here. In addition, until I had my family, I taught ice dancing part time. Although I've given up the teaching for now (those pesky kids....) I'm still very much interested in the world of skating. And so I hope to share my random ramblings on being a Mom, being a scientist and being a figure skating enthusiast.