I haven't been able to sit myself down and blog lately. Believe me, I've tried but each time I opened a new document, I shut it down. A lot has been happening since we last "spoke". Where've I been? Well, I've been deciding the fate of the next 20 years of my life. After my last blog, I had an additional dinner meeting with the VP for the Western Region of CS (Corporate Science). This person asked me less business-related and more "Are you sure you want to do this?" type questions. It did get me thinking. And that's what I've been doing for the last two weeks - thinking.
It's been a remarkable journey so far. I have been amazed at the spectrum of emotions that I have been experiencing while trying to make this decision. Just the other day, I was having lunch in the faculty dining room at my Institution by myself because SciDad was traveling. Suddenly I became very nostalgic. I started looking around at all the faculty and wondering how it would feel to be out of this fraternity we call "academics" that I've been hanging out in for the last 19 years. It made me sad. After lunch, while in the lab, I wondered how it would be to not have a lab to go to. Strange... When I left later that afternoon to pick up the kids, I felt deeply saddened.
I haven't signed on the dotted line yet. That'll probably happen next week. In the meantime, if I'm not wrong, I'm going through a grieving process. I'm losing something that I've been nurturing for 19 years. I've had highs and lows in my academic career. It's been my life since I graduated with my Ph.D. I had plans; I have unanswered questions; I have avenues of interest that I won't be able to follow. I wonder if this is the equivalent of laboratory "empty nest" syndrome. In any case, I was not prepared for the grieving. I don't know if I'll even celebrate the new avenue that my life is about to take, not yet anyway. There's so much to do. The only thing I'm quite sure of is that the times, they are a-changing.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Biotech Adventure, Part II
Step 2 in the Biotech "adventure" is now complete. I had a business dinner with the local and regional managers of said CS (corporate science) entity. It's been a long time since I've had to answer questions like "What do you think you would bring to this position that is unique?" and "How would you handle situation X or Y?" and the mine-ridden "Why would someone at your level want to make this move?" I felt comfortable and at the same time, out of my element. Although I've done a lot of "dinners with speakers", this just had a whole different feel to it- you know, business-y. I remembered all the simple interview tips - give a firm handshake, make eye contact while speaking, don't talk too much just give straightforward answers, etc. I think it went well but would I really know?
I have no previous experience with CS, except in my dealings with them as an academic researcher. I'd be on the other side of the fence. And I'm grappling with feelings of potential "loss" and "failure". Yup, failure. Now that feeling really erks me because it's not necessarily that I've failed academic science. It's as much that life and circumstances have conspired to make an academic career in research untenable to me now. Why don't I feel like this is an opportunity I'm being afforded "because" of my success in science? I think it has a lot to do with the expectations in academics - you know the stereotype that says if you leave academics, it's because you weren't capable of succeeding in it. I know this is exactly how most of my supposed colleagues would view a move to CS, especially because of my gender. Which is why Zuska's current discussions of the leaky pipeline (Part I and Part II) are so timely.
In her recent blogs on the X-Gal columns in the Chronicle, she's revisiting the definition of scientific success, as defined by her own experiences and those of the X-gals. On her and some of her colleagues decisions to leave academics, she says:
Yeah, this is exactly how I feel. And why. Well, as she puts it:
One of the questions I was asked at my business dinner was how would it feel to be in a position where the academics I would deal with wouldn't care what I had done in my science career previously, and would assume I wasn't as skilled as I was? I answered by saying I had a lot of experience in that already, especially in my current part time position.
And so while I continue to pursue this exciting lead, I will also work on my own re-definition of success. If I do leave academics, I hope one of the lessons I can teach my kids as they grow up is that one can define your own success, and that definition doesn't always have to agree with what the mainstream masses think is success. That's a tough one.
I have no previous experience with CS, except in my dealings with them as an academic researcher. I'd be on the other side of the fence. And I'm grappling with feelings of potential "loss" and "failure". Yup, failure. Now that feeling really erks me because it's not necessarily that I've failed academic science. It's as much that life and circumstances have conspired to make an academic career in research untenable to me now. Why don't I feel like this is an opportunity I'm being afforded "because" of my success in science? I think it has a lot to do with the expectations in academics - you know the stereotype that says if you leave academics, it's because you weren't capable of succeeding in it. I know this is exactly how most of my supposed colleagues would view a move to CS, especially because of my gender. Which is why Zuska's current discussions of the leaky pipeline (Part I and Part II) are so timely.
In her recent blogs on the X-Gal columns in the Chronicle, she's revisiting the definition of scientific success, as defined by her own experiences and those of the X-gals. On her and some of her colleagues decisions to leave academics, she says:
You can say we actively chose to leave the academic path, and some of us never gave it a backward glance. We chose, but it was a choice with a lot of push behind it. And we were all aware of how we were viewed by those who stayed on the path - those who were still in the pipeline. We had leaked out through our own fault. That is, there was nothing wrong with science - the problem was with us. If we had been good enough to become professors, we would have done so. If we had been good enough to become professors, we would never have wanted to do anything else. So leaving was evidence of our incompetence.
Yeah, this is exactly how I feel. And why. Well, as she puts it:
We form our identity around what we do very, very strongly. And if we've had it in our minds that we must become a research professor, then having that taken away from us is not just a career disappointment, it's something that forces us to rethink our whole identity. If I am going to take on a different career that is perceived as lower status - am I going to become a lower sort of person? This status-consciousness is so intense in academia.
One of the questions I was asked at my business dinner was how would it feel to be in a position where the academics I would deal with wouldn't care what I had done in my science career previously, and would assume I wasn't as skilled as I was? I answered by saying I had a lot of experience in that already, especially in my current part time position.
And so while I continue to pursue this exciting lead, I will also work on my own re-definition of success. If I do leave academics, I hope one of the lessons I can teach my kids as they grow up is that one can define your own success, and that definition doesn't always have to agree with what the mainstream masses think is success. That's a tough one.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Charles de Gaulle's women
I made it. Last week I went overseas to a meeting to present my work. This was the first time I have been away from the kids for so long - and so far away. And guess what, SciDad did a great job. He did profess to being tired but the kids did well. I had a great time giving my presentation and walking around this beautiful European city.
On the way over and back, I went through Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. Now that was an interesting experience. First, I was in Terminal 2 and the directions to get you to where you want to go were awful. Second, the terminal was so "skinny" in places that when flights were boarding, the people blocked any flow of other passengers trying to get from one gate to another. In addition to that, it took over an hour to get through security with plenty of French AND Americans trying to cut in line.
But in one instance, while raising my fists and eyes to the ceiling and cursing the state of travel, I noticed something very interesting. Large banners with faces of women, one of which looked very familiar to me. My ability to decipher the French (three years in Montreal) helped me determine that these were women scientists and these were the women selected for the 2007 L'Oreal-UNESCO for Women in Science awards! One from each continent, faces displayed like rock stars in one of the world's busiest airports.
The face I recognized - Mildred Dresselhaus. She's an MITer who you can't get through a science stint at MIT without seeing a picture of or hearing about. There's a nice tribute at eQuarksDaily.
L'Oreal-UNESCO also gives International graduate and postdoctoral fellowships. Yet another example of how Europe is way ahead of the US in supporting women in science.
On the way over and back, I went through Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. Now that was an interesting experience. First, I was in Terminal 2 and the directions to get you to where you want to go were awful. Second, the terminal was so "skinny" in places that when flights were boarding, the people blocked any flow of other passengers trying to get from one gate to another. In addition to that, it took over an hour to get through security with plenty of French AND Americans trying to cut in line.
But in one instance, while raising my fists and eyes to the ceiling and cursing the state of travel, I noticed something very interesting. Large banners with faces of women, one of which looked very familiar to me. My ability to decipher the French (three years in Montreal) helped me determine that these were women scientists and these were the women selected for the 2007 L'Oreal-UNESCO for Women in Science awards! One from each continent, faces displayed like rock stars in one of the world's busiest airports.
The face I recognized - Mildred Dresselhaus. She's an MITer who you can't get through a science stint at MIT without seeing a picture of or hearing about. There's a nice tribute at eQuarksDaily.
L'Oreal-UNESCO also gives International graduate and postdoctoral fellowships. Yet another example of how Europe is way ahead of the US in supporting women in science.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Ring, ring.....Corporate calling
Hello? Is this SciMom?
Yes it is. May I ask whose calling?
Yes this is Biotech. You probably think of me as "corporate science". How are you?
I'm not so well. In fact, I'm struggling in a part time academic position, working my a#* off trying to keep my research alive. I have an inattentive Chairman, a department which only sees me as an appendage of SciDad, and minimal chances to obtain funding because of my part time status and lack of people in the lab, not to mention the dismal government funding situation. I am finding it hard these days to be self-motivated - I've never before had motivation problems. I'm heading to a conference in Europe next week to give a talk and I wonder why the heck I'm going? Oh, was that too much information?
No not at all. You see someone told us you might be interested in a different challenge. One that would value your years of expertise in oncogenetics.
OH! Who are you?
We're "RSBC" (really stable biotech company).
Yes I've been using your technologies for years and along with SciDad, have helped your new technologies move into a broader scientific marketplace.
Well, we're looking for someone with your background and expertise. And we're excited that someone with your years of experience might be able to come onboard. You know our plan is to move more into diagnostics in the next several years while still staying strong in academic research. Does that interest you?
It does. Let's chat some more. Uh huh, yes. What about travel? I see. Salary, well that would work. Stock options, 401. How are the goals defined? Well that's a little different than I'm used to but the role is also different. I can't relocate.
You wouldn't have to! So what do you think?
I think I actually might be interested. It's scary to think about walking away from a traditional research job because I love that aspect of my life a great deal. But gee, salary stability, job stability (assuming I perform well), growth within a company, a place that VALUES me?!?! What do I do next?
Just go online and send us your resume. There are other applicants.
Yes I imagine there are.
But let's move forward and see where it takes us.
OK, I'll do that this evening. Thanks for calling.
No, thank you. I'll be in touch.
Click.
Wow, working somewhere where my knowledge and experience might be valued. What an attractive concept........
Yes it is. May I ask whose calling?
Yes this is Biotech. You probably think of me as "corporate science". How are you?
I'm not so well. In fact, I'm struggling in a part time academic position, working my a#* off trying to keep my research alive. I have an inattentive Chairman, a department which only sees me as an appendage of SciDad, and minimal chances to obtain funding because of my part time status and lack of people in the lab, not to mention the dismal government funding situation. I am finding it hard these days to be self-motivated - I've never before had motivation problems. I'm heading to a conference in Europe next week to give a talk and I wonder why the heck I'm going? Oh, was that too much information?
No not at all. You see someone told us you might be interested in a different challenge. One that would value your years of expertise in oncogenetics.
OH! Who are you?
We're "RSBC" (really stable biotech company).
Yes I've been using your technologies for years and along with SciDad, have helped your new technologies move into a broader scientific marketplace.
Well, we're looking for someone with your background and expertise. And we're excited that someone with your years of experience might be able to come onboard. You know our plan is to move more into diagnostics in the next several years while still staying strong in academic research. Does that interest you?
It does. Let's chat some more. Uh huh, yes. What about travel? I see. Salary, well that would work. Stock options, 401. How are the goals defined? Well that's a little different than I'm used to but the role is also different. I can't relocate.
You wouldn't have to! So what do you think?
I think I actually might be interested. It's scary to think about walking away from a traditional research job because I love that aspect of my life a great deal. But gee, salary stability, job stability (assuming I perform well), growth within a company, a place that VALUES me?!?! What do I do next?
Just go online and send us your resume. There are other applicants.
Yes I imagine there are.
But let's move forward and see where it takes us.
OK, I'll do that this evening. Thanks for calling.
No, thank you. I'll be in touch.
Click.
Wow, working somewhere where my knowledge and experience might be valued. What an attractive concept........
Friday, February 16, 2007
Networking Broads
It's been three weeks of sinus hell in this household. My three year old has just finished her antibiotics, my 5 year old is a few days into his, and I'm three days into mine! SciHusband is two weeks into his cold but it looks like he may conquer it without the help of pharmaceuticals. I'm finally, finally feeling like I've turned the corner on this bug that's been attacking me since two days before my 5 year old's January birthday party. Thus the infrequent blogs. I'm running on a sleep deficit in normally but I've lost a lot of additional sleep hours - and I feel it.
I am about to undertake two trips - one next week back to snowy New England to meet with collaborators and spend a few days with the parental units. The next a few weeks after that across the pond to present at a meeting. I have mixed emotions about these trips - I need them, I'm looking forward to them and yet I already miss the kids and I haven't even left yet! I think only a primary caregiver knows what these conflicting emotions feel like......it's a strange mix of excitement, worry, guilt and a lot about not being in control. As SciHusband says "We'll survive with you on speed dial".
I'm also feeling a bit unstable in general which might be contributing to the travel anxieties. I'm in the midst of casting about to see what my options might be for a change in career. There are some things afloat which make me think my part time position is more unstable than previously thought. While surfing, I came across a website for 85Broads, a women's networking website set up by former financial manager Janet Hansen, who worked for Goldman Sachs on WallStreet (thus the play on Broad Street). Check it out. What caught my attention was her story:
What also caught my attention was Broad 2.0, a networking resource for women who have had to step out or step back in the workplace because of family and other responsibilities. This seemed like a unique resource for someone in my position but right now, access to this particular part of the website is limited to current students and alumni of a specific but expanding group of colleges and universities that have signed on to be involved with 85Broads. However, this might useful for some of the women in science that read this blog.
Is there something comparable out their for women in academics?
I am about to undertake two trips - one next week back to snowy New England to meet with collaborators and spend a few days with the parental units. The next a few weeks after that across the pond to present at a meeting. I have mixed emotions about these trips - I need them, I'm looking forward to them and yet I already miss the kids and I haven't even left yet! I think only a primary caregiver knows what these conflicting emotions feel like......it's a strange mix of excitement, worry, guilt and a lot about not being in control. As SciHusband says "We'll survive with you on speed dial".
I'm also feeling a bit unstable in general which might be contributing to the travel anxieties. I'm in the midst of casting about to see what my options might be for a change in career. There are some things afloat which make me think my part time position is more unstable than previously thought. While surfing, I came across a website for 85Broads, a women's networking website set up by former financial manager Janet Hansen, who worked for Goldman Sachs on WallStreet (thus the play on Broad Street). Check it out. What caught my attention was her story:
When I left 85 Broad Street in 1988 to raise my daughter Meredith and later, my son Christopher, I felt a powerful sense of loss. I realized that while I certainly missed the action on the trading floor, I missed my colleagues even more.This sentiment rings loudly in my ear, even though I'm still working part time.
What also caught my attention was Broad 2.0, a networking resource for women who have had to step out or step back in the workplace because of family and other responsibilities. This seemed like a unique resource for someone in my position but right now, access to this particular part of the website is limited to current students and alumni of a specific but expanding group of colleges and universities that have signed on to be involved with 85Broads. However, this might useful for some of the women in science that read this blog.
Is there something comparable out their for women in academics?
Monday, February 12, 2007
Wow Wow Everybody
It's been talked about, it's been rumored and now "it's for real" as my 5 year old would say.
.
Harvard has named it's first female president, Radcliffe Institute dean Drew Gilpin Faust. Now it joins its Cambridge neighbor, MIT, who installed Susan Hockfield as president several years ago.
As reported on the CNN website:
Drew Gilpin Faust recalls her mother lecturing her that "this is a man's world, sweetie, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be."
It was a lesson, she wrote in a memoir, that she refused to accept.
"I hope that my own appointment can be one symbol of an opening of opportunities that would have been inconceivable even a generation ago," Faust said. But she also added, "I'm not the woman president of Harvard, I'm the president of Harvard."
Wow wow everybody!
.
Harvard has named it's first female president, Radcliffe Institute dean Drew Gilpin Faust. Now it joins its Cambridge neighbor, MIT, who installed Susan Hockfield as president several years ago.
As reported on the CNN website:
Drew Gilpin Faust recalls her mother lecturing her that "this is a man's world, sweetie, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be."
It was a lesson, she wrote in a memoir, that she refused to accept.
"I hope that my own appointment can be one symbol of an opening of opportunities that would have been inconceivable even a generation ago," Faust said. But she also added, "I'm not the woman president of Harvard, I'm the president of Harvard."
Wow wow everybody!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Invisibility Factor
I was catching up on blog reading and came across FemaleScienceProfessor's post about being an "invisible female scientist". I have run into this situation many times in my career. Just some examples:
At University 1 where my husband and I both had academic positions, we would routinely run into Professor A in the garage elevator. He would ALWAYS say hello to my husband, have a short chat and then exit the elevator with us. Yes, he knew me but clearly didn't feel it necessary to acknowledge my general presence in these situations. Other than being just plain rude, it showed his lack of respect for me as a faculty member.
At the Institution following this University, a promotional video was being produced and all faculty in the particular program to be discussed were asked to be available on a certain day for taping. There were 4 research faculty. Oh did I mention that no one bothered to tell me about it? In the end, I was asked to stand in when they interviewed my husband and they asked me a few questions. I couldn't gather enough energy to bother answering them in any interesting fashion because I was so pi#@ed off. I landed on the editing room floor.
At my current Institution, I'm sure that I have taken on a wispy, ethereal appearance because I can be walking past people that I have been introduced to several times and they pass as if they've never seen me before or actually DON'T see me! I'm the kind of person who will at least give a passing hello if I recognize someone. I can stop and see my reflection in the windows so I know that I exist. It fascinates me how often this happens. And this is probably one of the biggest issues I have with my current position. The issue of invisibility. I was prepared to give up some level of visibility by going part time, but I wasn't prepared for the lack of respect from my colleagues and almost complete invisibility to my Chairman and Institution.
I agree with Zuska though that not only to we as women have to speak up for ourselves but those male colleagues who are there in the moment these disrespectful interactions occur, also have to speak up. If they don't (and if we don't) then all of us remain part of the problem. (On a side note, the comments following Zuska's post are well worth the read. I laughed, I applauded, I got angry, and I asked myself why so many times I didn't speak up).
While I was writing this post, I remembered that when this used to happen to me in my younger days, I would make an effort to speak a bold "hello" or nod while vocalizing "Dr. X"'s name to those that liked to ignore my presence- just to force them to look up, maybe speak, and but mostly make them aware that they were lacking in social manners. I guess I've lost a bit of my edge with age but now that I've written this, I think I'm going to start up again.
At University 1 where my husband and I both had academic positions, we would routinely run into Professor A in the garage elevator. He would ALWAYS say hello to my husband, have a short chat and then exit the elevator with us. Yes, he knew me but clearly didn't feel it necessary to acknowledge my general presence in these situations. Other than being just plain rude, it showed his lack of respect for me as a faculty member.
At the Institution following this University, a promotional video was being produced and all faculty in the particular program to be discussed were asked to be available on a certain day for taping. There were 4 research faculty. Oh did I mention that no one bothered to tell me about it? In the end, I was asked to stand in when they interviewed my husband and they asked me a few questions. I couldn't gather enough energy to bother answering them in any interesting fashion because I was so pi#@ed off. I landed on the editing room floor.
At my current Institution, I'm sure that I have taken on a wispy, ethereal appearance because I can be walking past people that I have been introduced to several times and they pass as if they've never seen me before or actually DON'T see me! I'm the kind of person who will at least give a passing hello if I recognize someone. I can stop and see my reflection in the windows so I know that I exist. It fascinates me how often this happens. And this is probably one of the biggest issues I have with my current position. The issue of invisibility. I was prepared to give up some level of visibility by going part time, but I wasn't prepared for the lack of respect from my colleagues and almost complete invisibility to my Chairman and Institution.
I agree with Zuska though that not only to we as women have to speak up for ourselves but those male colleagues who are there in the moment these disrespectful interactions occur, also have to speak up. If they don't (and if we don't) then all of us remain part of the problem. (On a side note, the comments following Zuska's post are well worth the read. I laughed, I applauded, I got angry, and I asked myself why so many times I didn't speak up).
While I was writing this post, I remembered that when this used to happen to me in my younger days, I would make an effort to speak a bold "hello" or nod while vocalizing "Dr. X"'s name to those that liked to ignore my presence- just to force them to look up, maybe speak, and but mostly make them aware that they were lacking in social manners. I guess I've lost a bit of my edge with age but now that I've written this, I think I'm going to start up again.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I was a Mother Superior but just for this weekend
I did it. I made it through another toddler birthday. And it was a good one.
My big guy turned 5 this weekend. On Friday, at his school, they do a special "circle time" where he talks about how he has grown up and the new things he can do. Then in the afternoon, he can bring a special celebration snack. I made 72 mini -blueberry/raspberry muffins and 64 chocolate-dipped strawberries - all on Thursday night because they only taste good when made fresh. I started at 7pm on Thursday night and finished at 11:15pm with the clean up. On Friday, I joined him at his school for his special circle time at 10am, had a parent/teacher conference from 10:30 - 11:30am about my younger daughter who has just transitioned into that house, stayed for part of their lunch at their insistence and finally got away at 12:30pm.
Did I mention I was coming down with a sore throat on Thursday night?
By Friday midday I was feeling pretty punk. Went home to eat a quick refrigerator grazing lunch, left to pick up the birthday cake at Costco and returned home about 2:30pm. Dropped off the cake and left to go to the party store for the essentials - plates, hats, etc. - returned at 3:30pm. Dropped off the stuff and left to pick up the kids. Did I mention I was feeling really bad by this time?
Friday night I did what I could to prepare for the party the next day but given how I was feeling, it seemed sleep was the best thing to get that night. The party was from 10:30am - 1:30pm on Saturday and we were expecting 4 friends and potentially two siblings and associated parents. I don't believe in the "invite everybody" parties. I like to have them more personal, in my home and with only the "friends" that my kids ask me to invite. I won't bore you with the details of the party except to say we had a "Mad Science" person come and put on a really great show. The kids were dazzled by the disappearing water, the dry ice "cloud", the firecracker colors, and a chance to make their own "slime". It was a great show and even the parents enjoyed it. Did I mention I gradually lost my voice over the course of the party? Anyway, after pizza and presents, and a little time outside as the rain stopped, all went home. My son remarked that this was "the best party ever". In the few times in life when it all falls together and you make your kids happy and fulfilled, it totally rocks to be a Mom. Now if I can only get my voice back.
My big guy turned 5 this weekend. On Friday, at his school, they do a special "circle time" where he talks about how he has grown up and the new things he can do. Then in the afternoon, he can bring a special celebration snack. I made 72 mini -blueberry/raspberry muffins and 64 chocolate-dipped strawberries - all on Thursday night because they only taste good when made fresh. I started at 7pm on Thursday night and finished at 11:15pm with the clean up. On Friday, I joined him at his school for his special circle time at 10am, had a parent/teacher conference from 10:30 - 11:30am about my younger daughter who has just transitioned into that house, stayed for part of their lunch at their insistence and finally got away at 12:30pm.
Did I mention I was coming down with a sore throat on Thursday night?
By Friday midday I was feeling pretty punk. Went home to eat a quick refrigerator grazing lunch, left to pick up the birthday cake at Costco and returned home about 2:30pm. Dropped off the cake and left to go to the party store for the essentials - plates, hats, etc. - returned at 3:30pm. Dropped off the stuff and left to pick up the kids. Did I mention I was feeling really bad by this time?
Friday night I did what I could to prepare for the party the next day but given how I was feeling, it seemed sleep was the best thing to get that night. The party was from 10:30am - 1:30pm on Saturday and we were expecting 4 friends and potentially two siblings and associated parents. I don't believe in the "invite everybody" parties. I like to have them more personal, in my home and with only the "friends" that my kids ask me to invite. I won't bore you with the details of the party except to say we had a "Mad Science" person come and put on a really great show. The kids were dazzled by the disappearing water, the dry ice "cloud", the firecracker colors, and a chance to make their own "slime". It was a great show and even the parents enjoyed it. Did I mention I gradually lost my voice over the course of the party? Anyway, after pizza and presents, and a little time outside as the rain stopped, all went home. My son remarked that this was "the best party ever". In the few times in life when it all falls together and you make your kids happy and fulfilled, it totally rocks to be a Mom. Now if I can only get my voice back.
Friday, January 26, 2007
SciDad's post
So here it is - the first of two installments from SciDad in response to my previous post regarding dual careers. SciDad says:
One of the illusions you lose about life pretty quickly is that the world is your oyster. Careers are not constructed like Lego from a big box of options in an open space. They resemble a dash through the woods, where occasionally you enter a clearing with only a couple of paths ahead. And you never know what is around the next corner - both in the bad and the good. After I had finished my 5+ years of post-doc I did not have any top-10 journal papers and so I did not have many choices for a faculty position. Against the advice (but with the support) of my mentor I went to an OK place, because I was ready for independence. This is not an unfamiliar condition in a career that keeps you as an underpaid, overworked trainee for close to 10 years... At the time SciMom and I decided that my career would take precedence - we were trying to have kids, so this seemed right to both of us. After a few years at OK place we were approached to consider a move. We went to Good place.
The latest move - which is most relevant to SciMom's recent post - grew from that first decision. I had in fact not looked for this move - we were both very happy at Good place where we had gone together, quite equally. While Good place had its limitations, the microenvironment was very supportive and we could have stayed there longer. But it was not a place that made research easy or that offered long-term possibilities or where it was easy to recruit good people for the lab.
Then I was approached by one of a handful - three or four - of top places for the work that I do (let's call it Top place). The difference is that if I told 10 randomly picked scientists the name of Good place and Top place, all would know Top place, and maybe 1 or 2 would know Good place. Plus, the position they asked me to compete for had a leadership aspect - literally one of a few positions like it in the world, in my particular area of interest. So, rather than me being restless, and moving around at the expense of my spouse, I seized a possibly once-in a lifetime chance to get one of the best positions for someone like me in the world!
As SciMom has said, we made some mistakes, that resulted in part from my excitement and my admittedly somewhat selfish desire to seize this amazing opportunity. Timing was rotten, in the sense that the kids are at a needy stage, and she decided to step back, which is more difficult at more demanding institutions. Also, how supportive the Chair is varies - and you don't know it until you are there a while, trust me.
I think the situation can be fixed - it will take some time, perhaps some changes in the funding climate overall and some more work on both our parts. I am trying very hard to obtain additional funding to support SciMom, and in return she is taking an active part in my work. The aim is to develop enough funds to hire a post-doc to work with her on her projects, with a view to getting data for a new grant. It will take a few years, but it can be done.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
No Comment
Over the last 6 months, I have read my favorite blogs, green with envy seeing the number of interesting and helpful comments their posts regularly receive on their blog entries. A few weeks ago, I found a comment on a post I had just added to my blog. Excited I clicked on it, only to find out it was spam! Grrrrrrrrr. This prompted me to go searching for a way to get rid of it. And that's when I stumbled on the settings for accepting comments. Ohhhhhh, these things have settings. Should you ever feel the desire to comment, it should be easier now.
Yeah, OK I confess, I'm only a part of this technology world because I live with the world's greatest computer and electronic wizard gadget guru who just happens to be my husband. (Like right now he regaling me with information about EVDO GSM cell phone something-or -other.) Anyway, he pulls me along (heels firmly planted in the ground) as he embraces the newest of new technologies. He helped me set up this blog. But as usual, I learn just enough to plow ahead because he's my very own troubleshooting manual so I don't have to learn it all upfront.
On that same note, he also reads this blog. I wasn't going to tell him about it so I could complain about him if I wanted. But then I decided knowing he would read it, would help me keep things in perspective. And after a recent post, he jokingly suggested he should be able to do a guest blog, telling his "side" of things. And so I invite him to do so. His perspective on the dual career challenges will probably be quite enlightening.
Stay tuned.
Yeah, OK I confess, I'm only a part of this technology world because I live with the world's greatest computer and electronic wizard gadget guru who just happens to be my husband. (Like right now he regaling me with information about EVDO GSM cell phone something-or -other.) Anyway, he pulls me along (heels firmly planted in the ground) as he embraces the newest of new technologies. He helped me set up this blog. But as usual, I learn just enough to plow ahead because he's my very own troubleshooting manual so I don't have to learn it all upfront.
On that same note, he also reads this blog. I wasn't going to tell him about it so I could complain about him if I wanted. But then I decided knowing he would read it, would help me keep things in perspective. And after a recent post, he jokingly suggested he should be able to do a guest blog, telling his "side" of things. And so I invite him to do so. His perspective on the dual career challenges will probably be quite enlightening.
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Oops, I did it again
(Note: in the process of finishing this entry up, I read post doc ergo propter doc's entry on dual careers and it's challenges. And apparently, there is a discussion about dual careers on the science careers forum)
I have found that the New Year has not brought much more in the way of "peace" about my particular part time academic position. I have spent an enormous amount of energy trying to put a finger on what makes this so hard, with the mindset that I might identify an aspect that I can change for the better. It's not like I haven't been in this situation before........
Job Recruitment 1: Husband takes first academic position at new University. I'm 2.5 years into my Assistant Professorship at current University where husband is postdoc, just landing first R29 NIH grant. Husband signs contract prior to any negotiations for me regarding a job. My negotiating power - zero. (We both agree, rookie mistake on his part but done not out of disregard for me but in the excitement of first independent academic position and pressure from University to sign; marriage survives) The department creates a faculty position for me. No real start up package -$20K to replace some of big equipment being left behind. R29 pays for technician and $800/month for supplies. Time in situation: 3 years
Job Recruitment 2: Husband looking at new position where I have friends. They are aware of the difficulties I have encountered in current position. New Institute does two recruitments - 2 trips, 2 seminars, 2 offers.
Job Recruitment 3: Husband recruited to big time Institute over the course of a year. No discussion to bring me down or find an independent faculty position. Decision is made to ask for part time position in part because newly adopted daughter will require a fair amount of medical visits but also because not asking for a full time, FTE-position will facilitate my husband's job and required scheduled move time.
Lessons learned:
1. Don't start out by giving up too much. You can play second fiddle but make sure you still get to play. I should have never put myself in the position of joining a department where they didn't feel it was worthwhile for me to come down and give a seminar to the rest of the faculty. I am not seen as an important member of my department's faculty.
2. Pick a supportive Chairman, especially if you are moving to support your husband's career. Never take a position where the Chairman doesn't feel it necessary to have face time with you to talk about your work and how it will fit/help the department. You need a Chairman who can "think outside the box" and find a way to use your expertise to build and expand his department strengths. I remember reading "The Door in the Dream: Conversations with eminent women in science" by Elga Wasserman. It's a collection of personal stories about how they succeeded in their careers. One of the messages I took away was the importance of having a Chairman who is open-minded, interested, and supportive.
In all fairness, we did make a mutual decision early on in our relationship that his career would take priority and the reasons for that, both professional and personal, were solid and good. But within that framework, the decisions need to be made carefully and wisely. Which is why, given my previous experiences, I'm surprised I made some of the same mistakes in Recruitment Scenario 3 that were made in Scenario 1. But I did and now the next step is to try to find ways, in this sparse time of funding, to work my way back to a position of respect from a position of weakness, if that's even possible. I don't know if it is......
I have found that the New Year has not brought much more in the way of "peace" about my particular part time academic position. I have spent an enormous amount of energy trying to put a finger on what makes this so hard, with the mindset that I might identify an aspect that I can change for the better. It's not like I haven't been in this situation before........
Job Recruitment 1: Husband takes first academic position at new University. I'm 2.5 years into my Assistant Professorship at current University where husband is postdoc, just landing first R29 NIH grant. Husband signs contract prior to any negotiations for me regarding a job. My negotiating power - zero. (We both agree, rookie mistake on his part but done not out of disregard for me but in the excitement of first independent academic position and pressure from University to sign; marriage survives) The department creates a faculty position for me. No real start up package -$20K to replace some of big equipment being left behind. R29 pays for technician and $800/month for supplies. Time in situation: 3 years
Pros: Had my own lab space, connected by a door with husband's. Had my own technician. Put out some nice papers. Had an extremely supportive Department Chairman. Chairman supported and I received promotion to Associate Professor.
Cons: No office; gave space up to be converted into a TC room for both labs so had a desk in the lab. Didn't have the respect of the department's other faculty. Wasn't in a department related to my primary research focus. Had to fight to get my own mailbox (no really, this required the Chairman's intervention!) No money to grow the lab and become more productive.
Pros: Had my own lab space. Had my own office. Had a full recruitment package including decent salary. Got to work with two colleagues that I've known for 10 years! Was very productive with a group of 4. Supportive Chairman who realized it was important to keep me happy if he wanted to keep husband around. Flexible schedule works well with arrival of first child.
Cons: Not in a department with others focused on my primary area of research so not much chance for local collaborations.....uh, that's about all the cons I could think of.
Pros: Flexible schedule made it easy to accommodate the year of constant illnesses that my two kids experienced going from an in-home Nanny to a Montessori preschool! Established a good relationship with the family pediatrician, ENT, and opthalmologist at big-time Children's Hospital. ummm, can't think of any other pros!
Cons: Didn't ask for lab space so lab has been absorbed by husband's; maintaining a bench. Despite having both names outside the door, no one considers it part "my lab space". I am invisible to the other faculty members of my department. I didn't interview and I didn't give a seminar; sometimes appearances can mean a lot. I still haven't been added to the birthday lists for which a monthly lunch is held. Don't have a supportive Chairman; has no idea what I do, and doesn't care. No mentorship, no support - no start up package; maintaining one project on an R01 subcontract; other main lab project dead in the water. Trying to develop another project with minimal funds. Hate feeling invisible; not appreciated for what I could add to the department.
1. Don't start out by giving up too much. You can play second fiddle but make sure you still get to play. I should have never put myself in the position of joining a department where they didn't feel it was worthwhile for me to come down and give a seminar to the rest of the faculty. I am not seen as an important member of my department's faculty.
2. Pick a supportive Chairman, especially if you are moving to support your husband's career. Never take a position where the Chairman doesn't feel it necessary to have face time with you to talk about your work and how it will fit/help the department. You need a Chairman who can "think outside the box" and find a way to use your expertise to build and expand his department strengths. I remember reading "The Door in the Dream: Conversations with eminent women in science" by Elga Wasserman. It's a collection of personal stories about how they succeeded in their careers. One of the messages I took away was the importance of having a Chairman who is open-minded, interested, and supportive.
In all fairness, we did make a mutual decision early on in our relationship that his career would take priority and the reasons for that, both professional and personal, were solid and good. But within that framework, the decisions need to be made carefully and wisely. Which is why, given my previous experiences, I'm surprised I made some of the same mistakes in Recruitment Scenario 3 that were made in Scenario 1. But I did and now the next step is to try to find ways, in this sparse time of funding, to work my way back to a position of respect from a position of weakness, if that's even possible. I don't know if it is......
Monday, January 01, 2007
A Horn in the Woods
I have to end the year/start the new one doing something which quite frankly I'm terrible at doing - blowing my own horn. Remember this is Rule #2 of my Rules for Success. I've been working on this relatively new technique and trying to see if we might use it to answer some important questions in the cancer-field. After a year of working on it, part-time as I am, I am happy that an abstract I submitted to an International meeting was accepted for an oral presentation. I realize this is not a big deal on the scientific scale of things....but for me it's a small validation of what I've been trying to succeed at, under not so perfect circumstances.
The only negative came when I decided to email my department chairman with the progress I have been making, to let him know that I would be representing the Institution with a presentation at this International meeting. The next day, the departmental secretary came to me in the lab and said the Chairman wanted to speak with me. I thought "Great, he received my email, is interested (something new), and wants to have a brief chat". I was, at the time she came to see me, in the middle of a seven hour experimental marathon, which had to stay on schedule because my husband was out of town and I had to get the kids before the preschool closed. I told the assistant I couldn't stop to chat now but I would talk to him the next morning.
The next morning I called to say I was free to come over and speak with the Chairman. The response? "Oh he doesn't need to speak with you today. Yesterday he just wanted to know when your husband was going to be back in town." Hmmm, last I looked my husband had an assistant.
I know that this technique will not itself become a major grant. But it will most likely result in manuscripts, and it will most likely land me on some grants, which hopefully will bring in some of my salary. These are the things I think are necessary for me to continue to survive in the vast unknown called "Part time academic science position".
So good for me for getting my abstract accepted for an oral presentation.....toot toot! Now if a horn blows in the woods.............
The only negative came when I decided to email my department chairman with the progress I have been making, to let him know that I would be representing the Institution with a presentation at this International meeting. The next day, the departmental secretary came to me in the lab and said the Chairman wanted to speak with me. I thought "Great, he received my email, is interested (something new), and wants to have a brief chat". I was, at the time she came to see me, in the middle of a seven hour experimental marathon, which had to stay on schedule because my husband was out of town and I had to get the kids before the preschool closed. I told the assistant I couldn't stop to chat now but I would talk to him the next morning.
The next morning I called to say I was free to come over and speak with the Chairman. The response? "Oh he doesn't need to speak with you today. Yesterday he just wanted to know when your husband was going to be back in town." Hmmm, last I looked my husband had an assistant.
I know that this technique will not itself become a major grant. But it will most likely result in manuscripts, and it will most likely land me on some grants, which hopefully will bring in some of my salary. These are the things I think are necessary for me to continue to survive in the vast unknown called "Part time academic science position".
So good for me for getting my abstract accepted for an oral presentation.....toot toot! Now if a horn blows in the woods.............
Sunday, November 26, 2006
A Nice Thanksgiving break
It's 5:30am and for some reason I'm up and sipping coffee. It wasn't my intention to get up so early. Something woke me up, and I decided to get a glass of water from the kitchen. A look outside told me that my 4 year old had once again been playing with the lights over his booster seat and it had been on all night in the minivan. After going outside, wrestling with the gate and turning the light off, I didn't feel much like going back to bed. So I podded myself a cup of coffee (yes, sad to say we have switched to the pod system for simplicity, quickness and to get rid of all the coffee mess from daily grinding our own coffee) and got on the internet.
The little one is restless this morning. We've been treating an ear infection in the ear that still has her tube in it because we had some antibiotic ear drops but I suspect the other one is infected as well. So my week post-Thanksgiving will most likely start with a visit to the pediatrician. Still she's been quite the trooper as always and only slightly more clingy and whiny. The "big" guy, my almost 5 year old, has been in a good place. Maybe he sensed I bought and started reading "Parenting the Strong-willed Child".
I always look upon longer breaks with some trepidation. Usually these are slightly stressful days - my children seem to need enormous parental interaction and constant conversation during these times. But this has been a nice break. The weather's been beautiful. My husband has been relaxed and home. We've had days of just hanging around the house. We had a day of meeting a few friends from preschool at the zoo, which was nice for us because it's usually just us going to these places. My husband and I watched a movie one night and played Trivial Pursuit on another (it was a tie as midnight was approaching but I plan to whoop him in a rematch!) We had some stress around Thanksgiving dinner as it didn't get on the table until 1:30pm and the kids were hungry. (Note-to-self: Thanksgiving dinner on the table by Noon as long as toddlers are in the house.) But it was nice to once again, cook a turkey. We haven't done that in several years. I really want to make those holiday traditions for my family and although it's a lot of work and the kids probably won't remember it yet, I'll practice now to get it right for later.
Next week is a big one. For one, my 3 year old is transitioning to the "big girl" house at her preschool. The school made some great safety adjustments for her on their playscape and I feel lucky to be a part of this Montessori school. The kids have thrived there. Second, I'm having a stress test. Yup, as loving hubby said, "Welcome to middle age!" I mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to go back to the gym, get a personal trainer, and get back in some sort of shape. Well about a month ago I did that. In my first session, my trainer wanted to see where I was in general health and stamina. I got pretty winded by the end of the hour session but didn't really think much of it except that after we were done and we were sitting, talking about plans for working out, I couldn't regain my breath. I started to get cold and clammy and nauseous and after 15 minutes, I announced I had lay down. She asked me if I was having trouble breathing, which I was except not in the "my chest hurts and I can't catch my breath" sort of way but that's how it was interpreted and next thing I knew I was staring at the paramedics, right there in the gym. Not just 3 paramedics but 6! I must be special. Since I had been laying down for 5 minutes, I could feel the blood returning to my head but they popped in the oxygen tube and started asking questions, taking blood pressure (90 over 50 by then) and asking me had I starved myself before working out? Do I look starved? Long story short, I didn't need a trip to the hospital, they made my husband come get me despite the fact that we live two blocks away, and I was annoyed by the 90 year old guy on the treadmill near me who came in with a walker. He didn't stop walking on the treadmill the whole time. Rub it in........ This event bothered me enough though to make me go to my doctor, who rightly so, has ordered a stress test. I will wait to see what it shows before I go back and get into a physical workout. I want to know my limits, if I have some right now. I'm glad I went because with little kids, I want to make sure if I have control of it, that I'm around for them for as long as possible.
So this Thanksgiving, I'm feeling peaceful about life; it's tough, I'm perpetually overtired, I'm tired of visiting the pediatrician and I'm way behind on the Christmas planning stuff. But as an article I read in Parenting magazine said, accepting that being the parent of toddlers is stressful, tiring and often, not much fun, could help you move past that to see the great things that are happening around you in your family. Seems simple but I think it's true. So that's what I choose to do, at least right now when everyone else is sleeping and I'm having a nice cup of coffee while tapping away on my computer.
Anyway, I'm thankful for the time we've had together this holiday as a family. Now let the Christmas fun begin. It's my favorite time of the year.
The little one is restless this morning. We've been treating an ear infection in the ear that still has her tube in it because we had some antibiotic ear drops but I suspect the other one is infected as well. So my week post-Thanksgiving will most likely start with a visit to the pediatrician. Still she's been quite the trooper as always and only slightly more clingy and whiny. The "big" guy, my almost 5 year old, has been in a good place. Maybe he sensed I bought and started reading "Parenting the Strong-willed Child".
I always look upon longer breaks with some trepidation. Usually these are slightly stressful days - my children seem to need enormous parental interaction and constant conversation during these times. But this has been a nice break. The weather's been beautiful. My husband has been relaxed and home. We've had days of just hanging around the house. We had a day of meeting a few friends from preschool at the zoo, which was nice for us because it's usually just us going to these places. My husband and I watched a movie one night and played Trivial Pursuit on another (it was a tie as midnight was approaching but I plan to whoop him in a rematch!) We had some stress around Thanksgiving dinner as it didn't get on the table until 1:30pm and the kids were hungry. (Note-to-self: Thanksgiving dinner on the table by Noon as long as toddlers are in the house.) But it was nice to once again, cook a turkey. We haven't done that in several years. I really want to make those holiday traditions for my family and although it's a lot of work and the kids probably won't remember it yet, I'll practice now to get it right for later.
Next week is a big one. For one, my 3 year old is transitioning to the "big girl" house at her preschool. The school made some great safety adjustments for her on their playscape and I feel lucky to be a part of this Montessori school. The kids have thrived there. Second, I'm having a stress test. Yup, as loving hubby said, "Welcome to middle age!" I mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to go back to the gym, get a personal trainer, and get back in some sort of shape. Well about a month ago I did that. In my first session, my trainer wanted to see where I was in general health and stamina. I got pretty winded by the end of the hour session but didn't really think much of it except that after we were done and we were sitting, talking about plans for working out, I couldn't regain my breath. I started to get cold and clammy and nauseous and after 15 minutes, I announced I had lay down. She asked me if I was having trouble breathing, which I was except not in the "my chest hurts and I can't catch my breath" sort of way but that's how it was interpreted and next thing I knew I was staring at the paramedics, right there in the gym. Not just 3 paramedics but 6! I must be special. Since I had been laying down for 5 minutes, I could feel the blood returning to my head but they popped in the oxygen tube and started asking questions, taking blood pressure (90 over 50 by then) and asking me had I starved myself before working out? Do I look starved? Long story short, I didn't need a trip to the hospital, they made my husband come get me despite the fact that we live two blocks away, and I was annoyed by the 90 year old guy on the treadmill near me who came in with a walker. He didn't stop walking on the treadmill the whole time. Rub it in........ This event bothered me enough though to make me go to my doctor, who rightly so, has ordered a stress test. I will wait to see what it shows before I go back and get into a physical workout. I want to know my limits, if I have some right now. I'm glad I went because with little kids, I want to make sure if I have control of it, that I'm around for them for as long as possible.
So this Thanksgiving, I'm feeling peaceful about life; it's tough, I'm perpetually overtired, I'm tired of visiting the pediatrician and I'm way behind on the Christmas planning stuff. But as an article I read in Parenting magazine said, accepting that being the parent of toddlers is stressful, tiring and often, not much fun, could help you move past that to see the great things that are happening around you in your family. Seems simple but I think it's true. So that's what I choose to do, at least right now when everyone else is sleeping and I'm having a nice cup of coffee while tapping away on my computer.
Anyway, I'm thankful for the time we've had together this holiday as a family. Now let the Christmas fun begin. It's my favorite time of the year.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
MIT's Tonegawa steps down
I was pleased to read the online CNN report regarding the fallout over Susumu Tonegawa's inappropriate bullying of a highly recruited female faculty candidate to MIT. It's far more than an issue about gender in science; it's about fairness and ethics. It may not seem like enough for some people that Tonegawa resigned as director but stays on at the Neuroscience Institute but given his ego, this will be a hard pill to swallow. Afterall he did win the Nobel Prize in 1987 and founded MIT's Neuroscience Institute in 1994. I think this is a positive move for my PhD alma mater but also for science in general. There must be action when unfair practices in science are disclosed. However I remain disappointed in Susan Hockfield's lack of public condemnation.
As a woman in an extremely powerful academic and scientific position, I thought she should have been more vocal than she was. On her recent election to the Board of the Carnegie Corporation, the Corporation president, Vartan Gregorian said:
Maybe she choose to work behind the scenes on this one, but that doesn't work for the greater good...in my opinion......
As a woman in an extremely powerful academic and scientific position, I thought she should have been more vocal than she was. On her recent election to the Board of the Carnegie Corporation, the Corporation president, Vartan Gregorian said:
Susan Hockfield is a trailblazer and role model for women in science and technology," said Gregorian. "We believe her knowledge and scientific perspective will bring even greater strength to our influential board. Carnegie Corporation's mission is consistent with MIT's tradition of innovation, research and meritocracy, and I am greatly honored that she has accepted our invitation to join the Corporation as a trustee this early in her administration.
Maybe she choose to work behind the scenes on this one, but that doesn't work for the greater good...in my opinion......
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Where for art thou?
I'm still around. I've been lurking and reading the blogs lately but feeling quite lethargic about posting. I don't know why. Maybe it was in part the Mother and Aunt visit which ate up an entire week (but I did enjoy having them here). Maybe it's the endless preschool activities and doctor's appointments which are culminating in parties at my children's two preschool houses this week. Maybe it has been these excrutiating migraines I've been getting every time a front comes through. Last night the headache woke me up at 2:30am and I spent until 4am chewing Excedrin, hoping it would go away as I'm solo again with the kids and I need all my faculties to make it through the day. Probably it was more the several interactions and conversations I've had recently with my husband and colleagues which made me realize that deciding to do this "part time science" thing was in good part a mistake - at least for the science career. I know there's a blog in that one but I'm too emotionally tired to tackle it now.
I've been keeping track of some interesting events however. The first was that my Institute is creating an administrative position to deal with Women Faculty Programs. Yeah! The goal of the Associate Vice President position is to develop programs, networks and support systems to ensure that the talented women faculty hired have the support system in place to succeed. I put my hat in the ring for this position awhile back but didn't receive an interview. I'm not surprised. I would have been the "think outside the box" candidate. Still I'm excited to see what comes of this new initiative.
Second, my Institution has changed it's thinking on those 'tweener academic research positions we all call "Instructor". It's been painfully obvious, at least to me and other colleagues, that there are a great deal of PhDs awarded to people who will never, or actually don't want to, run their own labs. The American academic science system does not have a place for these individuals who want to remain in research. Usually scientists (and often women) are placed in the Instructor position with the idea that they will be suitable for promotion to Assistant Professor in 2-4 years. Up until now at my Institution, once you wre in the Instructor position for the allotted years, you were out unless you secured a promotion. I call this the second "brain drain". The first is the loss of trained women scientists who fail to navigate the "leaky" pipeline towards professorship. The second is the loss of the "tweener" scientists or "super postdocs" who have traditionally been frowned upon by administration but are viewed as incredibly valuable and productive lab members by the PIs. Suddenly at my Institute, the Instructor position has been changed to an open-ended position, with no time limits. I think this is a step in the right direction, as long as women who are placed in these Instructorships are given the opportunity to be promoted when they have the qualifications.
Third, I'm getting selfish in my old age. I spend a lot of time trying to make life easy for other people and making life safe, fun and happy for my kids. Hasn't left much time for, well, me. I had a great role model as a mother but I think she gave up too much. So I re-signed up at our local YMCA and yesterday, I filled out the information to hire a personal trainer. I'm not a group exercise person so I figure the only way to get myself back in something equivalent to reasonably healthy shape is to have a workout program designed for me. I am just waiting to be contacted by that trainer. My goals are not lofty. I just want some tone back, a little weight loss and some additional energy to keep from being the grouchy tired Mommy to my kids.
Right now the most amazing line of thunderstorms is passing by; the thunder and lightning are constant. The house is shaking as if a train is rolling right outside the front door. I don't think I'll every like this southwest weather.....I've just walked my 4 year old back to bed and I'm going there myself........
I've been keeping track of some interesting events however. The first was that my Institute is creating an administrative position to deal with Women Faculty Programs. Yeah! The goal of the Associate Vice President position is to develop programs, networks and support systems to ensure that the talented women faculty hired have the support system in place to succeed. I put my hat in the ring for this position awhile back but didn't receive an interview. I'm not surprised. I would have been the "think outside the box" candidate. Still I'm excited to see what comes of this new initiative.
Second, my Institution has changed it's thinking on those 'tweener academic research positions we all call "Instructor". It's been painfully obvious, at least to me and other colleagues, that there are a great deal of PhDs awarded to people who will never, or actually don't want to, run their own labs. The American academic science system does not have a place for these individuals who want to remain in research. Usually scientists (and often women) are placed in the Instructor position with the idea that they will be suitable for promotion to Assistant Professor in 2-4 years. Up until now at my Institution, once you wre in the Instructor position for the allotted years, you were out unless you secured a promotion. I call this the second "brain drain". The first is the loss of trained women scientists who fail to navigate the "leaky" pipeline towards professorship. The second is the loss of the "tweener" scientists or "super postdocs" who have traditionally been frowned upon by administration but are viewed as incredibly valuable and productive lab members by the PIs. Suddenly at my Institute, the Instructor position has been changed to an open-ended position, with no time limits. I think this is a step in the right direction, as long as women who are placed in these Instructorships are given the opportunity to be promoted when they have the qualifications.
Third, I'm getting selfish in my old age. I spend a lot of time trying to make life easy for other people and making life safe, fun and happy for my kids. Hasn't left much time for, well, me. I had a great role model as a mother but I think she gave up too much. So I re-signed up at our local YMCA and yesterday, I filled out the information to hire a personal trainer. I'm not a group exercise person so I figure the only way to get myself back in something equivalent to reasonably healthy shape is to have a workout program designed for me. I am just waiting to be contacted by that trainer. My goals are not lofty. I just want some tone back, a little weight loss and some additional energy to keep from being the grouchy tired Mommy to my kids.
Right now the most amazing line of thunderstorms is passing by; the thunder and lightning are constant. The house is shaking as if a train is rolling right outside the front door. I don't think I'll every like this southwest weather.....I've just walked my 4 year old back to bed and I'm going there myself........
Monday, October 02, 2006
Perspective
First let me say "Thanks" to Dr. Shellie for her condolences on our "lost" vacation. We actually drove the kids down to the beach this past weekend for the day. It was beautiful weather, the kids had a great time, and it was nice to completely disconnect from work life. It makes up a little for the time we lost earlier.
Anway, these days I'm re-learning that life is all about perspective. And I've actually gained a clearer perspective on myself in the last few days.
I haven't blogged in awhile. Partly because I've been really busy at work, partly because I was consumed by the planning of my three year old daughter's birthday party and partly because I've was trying to do all of this while battling some mysterious illness which gave me rotating migraines and stomach ailments. And yes, I had a wicked migraine for the actual birthday party - but it went on as planned and it was a success for her.
All of this has been working in combination with my son's current insistence to get out of bed 3 or 4 times a night and come in to wake me up - most often for no reason what-so-ever. I was feeling quite bedraggled at the beginning of this week and was expressing this to my husband.
He gets pretty upset with me when I get this run down because he sees that I'm spending more time at work than I need to. For those of you that are new to this blog, I'm an Associate Professor in Cancer Research who is currently in the unusual position of being a part time faculty member. I took this position because it would facilitate my husband's recruitment to a more senior position and because I have an adopted daughter who needs extra medical attention. So I'm trying to do my science without anyone in my lab, minimal soft money and no real support from the Department Chairman. My husband's perspective on this is that I should work my 20 hours and get out of the lab. In that extra time, I could do a lot of things for the family to make life run smoother - groceries, shopping - and maybe catch some afternoon snoozes. I can see his point but then he doesn't see this from my perspective.
Yes I agreed to this part time position for the kids and to expedite the move to our new Institute. But that doesn't mean that I became less of a scientist. I'm still driven to do something useful in my field. I still have the same level of interest and desire that drew me to medical research in the first place. I have a pretty crazy schedule running between work and kid's appointments, preparing for birthdays, keeping the house running and feeding the family. But that doesn't dampen my scientific drive.
When I get to work, it feels natural to be there. I have experiments that I want to do; I'm working out a new technique and would love to be able to show it's feasibility for predicting tumor behavior. So from my perspective, I'm trying to keep my scientific career alive and yes, it can get to be a lot when family life interferes - and it often does. In addition, I actually like to have lunch with my husband (Sappy maybe, but true) because with a 4 and 3 year old at home, we don't get much time to sit and talk alone! .
I don't know if I will ever get better at just "doing my time" but I do know the this has taught me something that I don't think I've ever really acknowledged about myslef. I understand better how much of me loves what I do. I used to joke that if this science thing didn't work out I could always teach figure skating and make better money. That's still true but I realize now how difficult it would be to completely walk away from life in the laboratory.
Wish me luck.....
Anway, these days I'm re-learning that life is all about perspective. And I've actually gained a clearer perspective on myself in the last few days.
I haven't blogged in awhile. Partly because I've been really busy at work, partly because I was consumed by the planning of my three year old daughter's birthday party and partly because I've was trying to do all of this while battling some mysterious illness which gave me rotating migraines and stomach ailments. And yes, I had a wicked migraine for the actual birthday party - but it went on as planned and it was a success for her.
All of this has been working in combination with my son's current insistence to get out of bed 3 or 4 times a night and come in to wake me up - most often for no reason what-so-ever. I was feeling quite bedraggled at the beginning of this week and was expressing this to my husband.
He gets pretty upset with me when I get this run down because he sees that I'm spending more time at work than I need to. For those of you that are new to this blog, I'm an Associate Professor in Cancer Research who is currently in the unusual position of being a part time faculty member. I took this position because it would facilitate my husband's recruitment to a more senior position and because I have an adopted daughter who needs extra medical attention. So I'm trying to do my science without anyone in my lab, minimal soft money and no real support from the Department Chairman. My husband's perspective on this is that I should work my 20 hours and get out of the lab. In that extra time, I could do a lot of things for the family to make life run smoother - groceries, shopping - and maybe catch some afternoon snoozes. I can see his point but then he doesn't see this from my perspective.
Yes I agreed to this part time position for the kids and to expedite the move to our new Institute. But that doesn't mean that I became less of a scientist. I'm still driven to do something useful in my field. I still have the same level of interest and desire that drew me to medical research in the first place. I have a pretty crazy schedule running between work and kid's appointments, preparing for birthdays, keeping the house running and feeding the family. But that doesn't dampen my scientific drive.
When I get to work, it feels natural to be there. I have experiments that I want to do; I'm working out a new technique and would love to be able to show it's feasibility for predicting tumor behavior. So from my perspective, I'm trying to keep my scientific career alive and yes, it can get to be a lot when family life interferes - and it often does. In addition, I actually like to have lunch with my husband (Sappy maybe, but true) because with a 4 and 3 year old at home, we don't get much time to sit and talk alone! .
I don't know if I will ever get better at just "doing my time" but I do know the this has taught me something that I don't think I've ever really acknowledged about myslef. I understand better how much of me loves what I do. I used to joke that if this science thing didn't work out I could always teach figure skating and make better money. That's still true but I realize now how difficult it would be to completely walk away from life in the laboratory.
Wish me luck.....
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Does your Mother really have to work here?!
So in our lab (mine and my husband's are currently melded), we try to get people to personally "invest" in their projects because it's their future. We also try to instill in them a sense of community in the lab because the lab environment - how well it runs and how they get along with their colleagues - can greatly impact their's and the lab's success. So to me, these concepts don't seem all that hard. For example:
-we have lab jobs - filling pipet racks, filling water carboy, making shared reagents etc. They rotate quarterly.
-we also have a strict sign in, use, clean up and sign out policy in the tissue culture room. In this way, you should always find the TC hood ready for you when it's your alloted time. Sometimes, the autoclavable waste is full at the end of your session, sometimes the pipet bins need refilling, sometimes the ethanol spray bottle needs refilling. If you do these things when they happen on your "shift", then you should expect that others will do the same for you.
-we ask that you watch shared reagents like gels, antibodies, tissue culture flasks, tissue culture aliquots etc. and when you see them getting low, tell the technician with enough leeway so she can realiquot or reorder to avoid interruptions.
Simple right? Seems like these should be simple human courtesies you learn in kindergarden. Right?
Well, no, actually wrong? Inevitably there is one person in the lab who doesn't feel the need to follow these rules. I interpret this as the "my time is more important that yours so I'll take what I need for my experiments and it's too bad if when it comes to your experiments, they get delayed because the reagent is unavailable" attitude.
Then there's the cleaning up after yourself, good citizen behavior. Especially in the tissue culture room, I find bleach splattered all around, trash on the floor, pipets not refilled waste bins full. This is usually in the morning so of course it's the "I'm in late and want to get home mentality and I know that Dr. Smith will be in first in the morning and will clean it up" mentality.
So I hate to say it but 99% of the time, the problem person is male. And most often, there's one or two females who "see" the lab, notice things and invest in keeping the lab running. Unfortunately, it's usually their experiments which get interrupted by the lack of this other person's lack of social skills.
And so once again, I'm setting up sanctions. Come on people, aren't you 25 years old, and aren't you 31. Why is this so hard? Do you really care that little about your surroundings? Don't you understand that if your labmates are successful, then most likely you and the lab in general will benefit from that? Are you really that self-centered? Does your Mother really have to work here?!
-we have lab jobs - filling pipet racks, filling water carboy, making shared reagents etc. They rotate quarterly.
-we also have a strict sign in, use, clean up and sign out policy in the tissue culture room. In this way, you should always find the TC hood ready for you when it's your alloted time. Sometimes, the autoclavable waste is full at the end of your session, sometimes the pipet bins need refilling, sometimes the ethanol spray bottle needs refilling. If you do these things when they happen on your "shift", then you should expect that others will do the same for you.
-we ask that you watch shared reagents like gels, antibodies, tissue culture flasks, tissue culture aliquots etc. and when you see them getting low, tell the technician with enough leeway so she can realiquot or reorder to avoid interruptions.
Simple right? Seems like these should be simple human courtesies you learn in kindergarden. Right?
Well, no, actually wrong? Inevitably there is one person in the lab who doesn't feel the need to follow these rules. I interpret this as the "my time is more important that yours so I'll take what I need for my experiments and it's too bad if when it comes to your experiments, they get delayed because the reagent is unavailable" attitude.
Then there's the cleaning up after yourself, good citizen behavior. Especially in the tissue culture room, I find bleach splattered all around, trash on the floor, pipets not refilled waste bins full. This is usually in the morning so of course it's the "I'm in late and want to get home mentality and I know that Dr. Smith will be in first in the morning and will clean it up" mentality.
So I hate to say it but 99% of the time, the problem person is male. And most often, there's one or two females who "see" the lab, notice things and invest in keeping the lab running. Unfortunately, it's usually their experiments which get interrupted by the lack of this other person's lack of social skills.
And so once again, I'm setting up sanctions. Come on people, aren't you 25 years old, and aren't you 31. Why is this so hard? Do you really care that little about your surroundings? Don't you understand that if your labmates are successful, then most likely you and the lab in general will benefit from that? Are you really that self-centered? Does your Mother really have to work here?!
Monday, September 11, 2006
09/11 - and then there was Anna
It's been a sobering day. I watched some of CNN 's re-run of coverage from 09/11/01 and it sure brought back memories. My husband and I were in Nova Scotia on vacation. We had flown up via Logan airport in Boston to Halifax and then rented a car to drive out to where my parents had rented a house on the ocean. It was beautiful weather and a gorgeous location. After a few days there, we took off to drive the Cabot Trail around Cape Breton. We stopped at the half way point to stay at the exquisite Keltic Lodge Resort on Middle Head Pennisula in the Gulf of St. Lawrence. On the morning of 09/11, we took the 1/2 mile trail out to the very end of the Pennisula. On our way back, my husband's cell phone rang. It surprised us because most of Nova Scotia at the time had terrible or no cell phone coverage. It was his brother calling from downtown Manhattan to tell him about the plane flying into the World Trade Center. Fortunately, he was about a mile away from the towers. While on the phone, the second plane hit. We ran to the lodge game room where there was a big screen TV and turned it on. We watched the coverage and as other guests walked through, we explained what was happening. I called my parents back at the beach house to tell them what was going on because I knew there was no TV there and they only got CBC1 on the radio.
Then the plane hit the Pentagon and I remember as clear as day that my husband turned to me and said, "Your country is under attack". I instantly felt sick and my entired gut was tied in knots. I couldn't eat the rest of the day as we drove directly back to be with my parents. We had been scheduled to return shortly but the tiny Halifax airport was now home to over 150 flights who were dirverted when the North American airspace was shut down. And besides, Logan was completely shut down. We thought we would just drive our rental car home but no rental cars were being allowed over the border! We were stuck. We finally drove to Halifax and secured a scarce seat on a train which would take us on a 30-some-odd hour train ride around Maine and through Canada to Windsor Ontario. Our car was parked at the Detroit Airport, just across the Detroit river. Except you had to go over the Ambassador Bridge - a 20 minute drive, on a normal day in history. We hopped in a shared cab with another couple and proceeded to take our 3 hour trip across the bridge and home. I remember stepping through the door of our home, wondering what life would be like after this historical moment.
Fortunately for me though, I don't just have to think about the terrorist attacks on 09/11. Two years ago today on 09/11/04, I was boarding a plane in Amsterdam with my husband and a little bit of a thing, bald-headed, with a cold. It seemed strange to be flying to the US on that day and I couldn't help but wonder if it was so smart to be on a big plane. Still we were coming home after our third and final trip to Russia to bring home our daughter Anna. I will never forget 09/11/01 and what I felt that day. But I also celebrate another 09/11, because a new and promising future began.
Then the plane hit the Pentagon and I remember as clear as day that my husband turned to me and said, "Your country is under attack". I instantly felt sick and my entired gut was tied in knots. I couldn't eat the rest of the day as we drove directly back to be with my parents. We had been scheduled to return shortly but the tiny Halifax airport was now home to over 150 flights who were dirverted when the North American airspace was shut down. And besides, Logan was completely shut down. We thought we would just drive our rental car home but no rental cars were being allowed over the border! We were stuck. We finally drove to Halifax and secured a scarce seat on a train which would take us on a 30-some-odd hour train ride around Maine and through Canada to Windsor Ontario. Our car was parked at the Detroit Airport, just across the Detroit river. Except you had to go over the Ambassador Bridge - a 20 minute drive, on a normal day in history. We hopped in a shared cab with another couple and proceeded to take our 3 hour trip across the bridge and home. I remember stepping through the door of our home, wondering what life would be like after this historical moment.
Fortunately for me though, I don't just have to think about the terrorist attacks on 09/11. Two years ago today on 09/11/04, I was boarding a plane in Amsterdam with my husband and a little bit of a thing, bald-headed, with a cold. It seemed strange to be flying to the US on that day and I couldn't help but wonder if it was so smart to be on a big plane. Still we were coming home after our third and final trip to Russia to bring home our daughter Anna. I will never forget 09/11/01 and what I felt that day. But I also celebrate another 09/11, because a new and promising future began.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Academics, Family and Vacation - my story
This blog comes under the heading of academics and family vacation, as it relates to my current life anyway. I'll try to keep the ranting to a minimum.
Since moving and setting up shop at big Cancer Center a year and a half ago, we have been struggling to find time as a family to "get away" for a vacation. Part of the problem is the lack of actual vacation days we are alloted here and having to accrue them monthly. In this regard, we were actually demoted upon joining the faculty - despite being Associate Professor level, we had to start at the bottom of vacation days along with all the other newbies. No amount of negotiation changed that. A ridiculous policy if you ask me. I doubt a recruited VP at an Academic Administration level would be treated as such. Don't they understand how stressful it is to move a family with two small children and set up two labs, get things running and learn the ropes? Don't they understand the financial stresses involved in a move, with the buying and selling of a house, and how money can be tight for awhile?
ANYWAY, I finally, after 1 1/2 years, found a solution. Four days post labor day at a house on the beach, just an hour drive from home. Said house is on a pedestrian-only beach, near a new fishing jetty and "clubhouse" with small playground. Beach house is also, and maybe most importantly, dirt cheap for the four days after labor day because well, everyone else is back at work and with kids in kindergarden and up. After making sure my grant reviewing, SPORE-writing, summer course-lecturing, seminar-giving, traveling husband agrees to block off the time, our "vacation" is secured. Of course, it's really only going to be 3 days because we can't get in the house until 4pm on that Tuesday and we have to be out by Friday at 11am. Dr Shellie's off to Alaska for two weeks and Abel PharmBoy hung out in Colorado (although he was ill for part of that). Still, these three days seem to have almost magical possibilities for a family who needs a break...........
Packed up Tuesday morning with a car full of food and amenities for beach house living. Arrive a little early to find the house ready and by 4pm the family was running and playing on the beach. Children are jumping in the waves, digging in the sand. The weather is unusually coolish and dry; perfect beach weather. The sun is up but there's a slight cloud cover to give some protection from the UV rays. I call my parents in New England on my cell phone and gush. They're off to Nova Scotia tomorrow for 10 days. I'm in heaven.
After 2 hours on the beach, we come in for a spaghetti dinner. The kids are bathed and put in bed and my husband is taking pictures of the ships and wildlife on the beach. I rock a bit on the swing on the front porch, watching and listening to the waves and breathing in the salt-water air. My son felt a little warm when he went to bed and he's been sniffling the last 4 days. But I chalked it mostly up to wind and sun, and excitement, gave him a little children's Motrin and he went off to slumberland. My daughter was in a lower part of a bunk bed next to him; perfect height for her because she's still in a toddler bed. She seemed right at home there, not at all perplexed by her new surroundings. She covered herself, placed her thumb securely in her mouth and drifted off to sleep as well.
Next morning the kids are up before the sun - no sleeping late on vacations with a 4 and almost 3 year old! We have our cereal with fruit breakfast and by 8:00am we're on the beach, canopy up. My son has a fever of 101 which seems to respond to Motrin and he acts happy enough so we let him run around on the beach. We're hopelessly trying to fly a kite I bought but without success. Are there tips to flying a kite? We're digging holes, the kids are sitting in them and I'm filling them with water. But by 10:30am, my son is dragging and he wants to go inside. My husband follows him and I stay a little longer on the beach with my daughter. When I do go in, I find my son shivering, glassy-eyed and miserable with 102.7 fever. He says his throat is really really really really really sore (and spikey; I love the way kids describe what they feel) and I look inside; it's really red. I give him some more Motrin and wait an hour. The fever's not responding. He's miserable. I'm worried because this isn't the sniffly cold he's had for the past few days that seemed to be getting better and his fevers ALWAYS respond to Motrin. So I call the doctor's office and wait for the nurse to call back. I know them well by now and trust their judgement. She says we need to be worried about Strep throat but maybe we can wait out the night there and see if he's better tomorrow morning. OK, so here's where I'm a wimp. If my kids are sick, I want to be close to the medical care I trust. Although we're only an hour away from home, we're in the middle of nowhere, medically-speaking. I'm used to hanging out around some top notch medical institutions. So we do the dance - should we stay, should we go, stay, go, stay,go - each one waiting for the other to make the decision. As a mother, I think it would be best if he was in his own bed at home, reinforced by the RST (rapid strep test) to tell me whether it's Strep or not. As a person, I desperately want and need to stay! I need the rejuvenation. But I never want to put that in front of the health of my children. We wait and discuss and watch. I check his throat again. It's covered in white spots now.........his fever is still 102.something on full-throttle Motrin.......we better go home.
It takes less than an hour to pack the car and get going. My husband has a headache on it's way to a migraine so I drive. I cry for about the first 20 minutes of the drive. I'm really frustrated, disappointed, depressed, and angry (although not at my son). We arrive home, my son is miserable and he's now throwing up a little. He still tries to swallow some food but all in all, he's unhappy. At bedtime, he's still 102 ish. I check on him several times through the night at at 1:30am, the fever is 101.5 and he hasn't had Motrin for 9 hours. It seems to be subsiding. By 6am, which is when he wakes me up, he's cool. The RST we took later that day at the doctor's office is negative.................. "vacation" over.
Do I regret coming home? No not really. It was what felt right at the time for my son. Am I really really disappointed? Yup, but just writing this made me realize that for them, the experiences they had on the beach were great although short - and that's what matters really. Am I happy? No, I have a cold now myself and my husband is off for 7 days to Europe - 3 of those days he is spending with his brother in England, relaxing. I don't begrudge him that time with his family whom is doesn't see very often but I'm jealous. I never seem to get that downtime anywhere in my life. Maybe that's what being a Mom is all about.
Probably the most important lesson I've learned is that 3-4 days prior to any vacation, I will no longer allow my children to attend any birthday parties. My doctor and I both agree that letting my son attend a party at Chuck E. Cheeses the Saturday before the travel was probably the culprit. I hate those places anyway but this was one of his few special friends from school and he really wanted to go. And so in the end, the kids are fine........and I'll survive...................I hope!
Since moving and setting up shop at big Cancer Center a year and a half ago, we have been struggling to find time as a family to "get away" for a vacation. Part of the problem is the lack of actual vacation days we are alloted here and having to accrue them monthly. In this regard, we were actually demoted upon joining the faculty - despite being Associate Professor level, we had to start at the bottom of vacation days along with all the other newbies. No amount of negotiation changed that. A ridiculous policy if you ask me. I doubt a recruited VP at an Academic Administration level would be treated as such. Don't they understand how stressful it is to move a family with two small children and set up two labs, get things running and learn the ropes? Don't they understand the financial stresses involved in a move, with the buying and selling of a house, and how money can be tight for awhile?
ANYWAY, I finally, after 1 1/2 years, found a solution. Four days post labor day at a house on the beach, just an hour drive from home. Said house is on a pedestrian-only beach, near a new fishing jetty and "clubhouse" with small playground. Beach house is also, and maybe most importantly, dirt cheap for the four days after labor day because well, everyone else is back at work and with kids in kindergarden and up. After making sure my grant reviewing, SPORE-writing, summer course-lecturing, seminar-giving, traveling husband agrees to block off the time, our "vacation" is secured. Of course, it's really only going to be 3 days because we can't get in the house until 4pm on that Tuesday and we have to be out by Friday at 11am. Dr Shellie's off to Alaska for two weeks and Abel PharmBoy hung out in Colorado (although he was ill for part of that). Still, these three days seem to have almost magical possibilities for a family who needs a break...........
Packed up Tuesday morning with a car full of food and amenities for beach house living. Arrive a little early to find the house ready and by 4pm the family was running and playing on the beach. Children are jumping in the waves, digging in the sand. The weather is unusually coolish and dry; perfect beach weather. The sun is up but there's a slight cloud cover to give some protection from the UV rays. I call my parents in New England on my cell phone and gush. They're off to Nova Scotia tomorrow for 10 days. I'm in heaven.
After 2 hours on the beach, we come in for a spaghetti dinner. The kids are bathed and put in bed and my husband is taking pictures of the ships and wildlife on the beach. I rock a bit on the swing on the front porch, watching and listening to the waves and breathing in the salt-water air. My son felt a little warm when he went to bed and he's been sniffling the last 4 days. But I chalked it mostly up to wind and sun, and excitement, gave him a little children's Motrin and he went off to slumberland. My daughter was in a lower part of a bunk bed next to him; perfect height for her because she's still in a toddler bed. She seemed right at home there, not at all perplexed by her new surroundings. She covered herself, placed her thumb securely in her mouth and drifted off to sleep as well.
Next morning the kids are up before the sun - no sleeping late on vacations with a 4 and almost 3 year old! We have our cereal with fruit breakfast and by 8:00am we're on the beach, canopy up. My son has a fever of 101 which seems to respond to Motrin and he acts happy enough so we let him run around on the beach. We're hopelessly trying to fly a kite I bought but without success. Are there tips to flying a kite? We're digging holes, the kids are sitting in them and I'm filling them with water. But by 10:30am, my son is dragging and he wants to go inside. My husband follows him and I stay a little longer on the beach with my daughter. When I do go in, I find my son shivering, glassy-eyed and miserable with 102.7 fever. He says his throat is really really really really really sore (and spikey; I love the way kids describe what they feel) and I look inside; it's really red. I give him some more Motrin and wait an hour. The fever's not responding. He's miserable. I'm worried because this isn't the sniffly cold he's had for the past few days that seemed to be getting better and his fevers ALWAYS respond to Motrin. So I call the doctor's office and wait for the nurse to call back. I know them well by now and trust their judgement. She says we need to be worried about Strep throat but maybe we can wait out the night there and see if he's better tomorrow morning. OK, so here's where I'm a wimp. If my kids are sick, I want to be close to the medical care I trust. Although we're only an hour away from home, we're in the middle of nowhere, medically-speaking. I'm used to hanging out around some top notch medical institutions. So we do the dance - should we stay, should we go, stay, go, stay,go - each one waiting for the other to make the decision. As a mother, I think it would be best if he was in his own bed at home, reinforced by the RST (rapid strep test) to tell me whether it's Strep or not. As a person, I desperately want and need to stay! I need the rejuvenation. But I never want to put that in front of the health of my children. We wait and discuss and watch. I check his throat again. It's covered in white spots now.........his fever is still 102.something on full-throttle Motrin.......we better go home.
It takes less than an hour to pack the car and get going. My husband has a headache on it's way to a migraine so I drive. I cry for about the first 20 minutes of the drive. I'm really frustrated, disappointed, depressed, and angry (although not at my son). We arrive home, my son is miserable and he's now throwing up a little. He still tries to swallow some food but all in all, he's unhappy. At bedtime, he's still 102 ish. I check on him several times through the night at at 1:30am, the fever is 101.5 and he hasn't had Motrin for 9 hours. It seems to be subsiding. By 6am, which is when he wakes me up, he's cool. The RST we took later that day at the doctor's office is negative.................. "vacation" over.
Do I regret coming home? No not really. It was what felt right at the time for my son. Am I really really disappointed? Yup, but just writing this made me realize that for them, the experiences they had on the beach were great although short - and that's what matters really. Am I happy? No, I have a cold now myself and my husband is off for 7 days to Europe - 3 of those days he is spending with his brother in England, relaxing. I don't begrudge him that time with his family whom is doesn't see very often but I'm jealous. I never seem to get that downtime anywhere in my life. Maybe that's what being a Mom is all about.
Probably the most important lesson I've learned is that 3-4 days prior to any vacation, I will no longer allow my children to attend any birthday parties. My doctor and I both agree that letting my son attend a party at Chuck E. Cheeses the Saturday before the travel was probably the culprit. I hate those places anyway but this was one of his few special friends from school and he really wanted to go. And so in the end, the kids are fine........and I'll survive...................I hope!
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Young, smart and female - they're out there
Never fear, there are still some bright young women scientists venturing into the academic world. I met one yesterday.
I have been looking for colleagues to inform me and collaborate with me on the issue of tumor stem cells. After emailing another department chairman, I was referred to a new faculty member - M.D., Ph.D, - who was working in this area at my Institution. We met over lunch at the faculty dining room to discuss what I'm doing and what she's doing, and whether there was a potential area of collaboration.
I was struck by how once again, science in general is a very small world. Turns out she did her undergraduate Chemistry degree at an Institution that I know well - Mt. Holyoke College in Western Massachusetts. This is an women's college, in a bucolic setting - in the vicinity of another top rate women's college, Smith College. The Chemistry department is top notch. I know this campus because I spent the final year of my Ph.D. doing experiments there. My first husband was a faculty member in the Chemistry department and after living separately for 1.5 years, I was able to convince my department at MIT to let me finish my final year of experiments out there. This was interesting because I had to establish my own protocols (i.e. radiation, human subjects, etc.), set up fund accounting, and determine what supplies I needed to do my work. Every two weeks I would travel back into Boston for a lab meeting and visit lab supplies to restock. At the time, I was rewashing, reracking and reusing pipet tips. I decided if I ever had to do this to survive in the lab, I would get out of science! I never realized until later though what a great experience this was for me to get a handle on what it meant, in some small way, to run my own lab. This also reminded me that I've always traveled a unique path when it comes to my science. I left graduate school after one year, worked for a year, came back, then finished my research off campus. Now I'm doing this sort-of-temporary, part time faculty position with no definite grasp on how this is all going to play out in my future. Oh well, it keeps life interesting......
In any case, this young faculty member was clearly the product of a good, strong education. I remember the undergraduate women that I met at Mt. Holyoke. They were smart, headstrong and well aware that they would encounter some obstacles in their professional journeys, solely due to their gender. At the time, I thought some of the stuff they were told was a little "over the top". Looking back I'm not so sure. She was outspoken, well read in her area and clearly driven. She had aligned herself well with the leaders in her field in the local area and was just 6 months into her new faculty position. I think she's going to do fine. My only complaint was that she hadn't mastered the art of listening but I suppose you are so involved in the start of your own lab, you forgot that others might have information to convey.
The sad part was she was already painfully aware of how difficult it would be to survive in academic science in the current climate - whether male or female. She was glad to be active in the clinic, despite the time it drained away from her research. At least she could treat patients and bring in a salary if this "research thing" didn't work out. We agreed to talk more after looking into a few articles and I left feeling good about knowing smart young women are still venturing into this thing we call academic science. I hope she makes it.
I have been looking for colleagues to inform me and collaborate with me on the issue of tumor stem cells. After emailing another department chairman, I was referred to a new faculty member - M.D., Ph.D, - who was working in this area at my Institution. We met over lunch at the faculty dining room to discuss what I'm doing and what she's doing, and whether there was a potential area of collaboration.
I was struck by how once again, science in general is a very small world. Turns out she did her undergraduate Chemistry degree at an Institution that I know well - Mt. Holyoke College in Western Massachusetts. This is an women's college, in a bucolic setting - in the vicinity of another top rate women's college, Smith College. The Chemistry department is top notch. I know this campus because I spent the final year of my Ph.D. doing experiments there. My first husband was a faculty member in the Chemistry department and after living separately for 1.5 years, I was able to convince my department at MIT to let me finish my final year of experiments out there. This was interesting because I had to establish my own protocols (i.e. radiation, human subjects, etc.), set up fund accounting, and determine what supplies I needed to do my work. Every two weeks I would travel back into Boston for a lab meeting and visit lab supplies to restock. At the time, I was rewashing, reracking and reusing pipet tips. I decided if I ever had to do this to survive in the lab, I would get out of science! I never realized until later though what a great experience this was for me to get a handle on what it meant, in some small way, to run my own lab. This also reminded me that I've always traveled a unique path when it comes to my science. I left graduate school after one year, worked for a year, came back, then finished my research off campus. Now I'm doing this sort-of-temporary, part time faculty position with no definite grasp on how this is all going to play out in my future. Oh well, it keeps life interesting......
In any case, this young faculty member was clearly the product of a good, strong education. I remember the undergraduate women that I met at Mt. Holyoke. They were smart, headstrong and well aware that they would encounter some obstacles in their professional journeys, solely due to their gender. At the time, I thought some of the stuff they were told was a little "over the top". Looking back I'm not so sure. She was outspoken, well read in her area and clearly driven. She had aligned herself well with the leaders in her field in the local area and was just 6 months into her new faculty position. I think she's going to do fine. My only complaint was that she hadn't mastered the art of listening but I suppose you are so involved in the start of your own lab, you forgot that others might have information to convey.
The sad part was she was already painfully aware of how difficult it would be to survive in academic science in the current climate - whether male or female. She was glad to be active in the clinic, despite the time it drained away from her research. At least she could treat patients and bring in a salary if this "research thing" didn't work out. We agreed to talk more after looking into a few articles and I left feeling good about knowing smart young women are still venturing into this thing we call academic science. I hope she makes it.
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