There's humor in science - no really.

One thing I miss since leaving academia - science humor. Despite SciDad, who's wit often make me laugh, I appreciate the NCBI ROFL website, which I came across while reading A mad tea party's blog, where the wonders of scientific research are scooped from PubMed. Enjoy!

Big worries for little people

For some reason, and I'm not sure why, my little ones seem to be thinking about death a lot. It might be age-appropriate but when the subject comes up, it's really difficult for me to have the balanced reaction to it that other mothers might have who haven't faced a cancer diagnosis. As I was putting my daughter to bed the other night, my 5 3/4 year old (as she describes herself these days) said "Mommy, I'm afraid you're going to die". I asked her why she was thinking about this and she said "Because you're 48. And then you will be 50, then 60, then 70,80,90 and 100 and then you're going to die. Oh I'm scared...." and then she covered her eyes. I am an older mother and her only distant reference for death was her great grandmother who died at 101. Still, as I assured her that we had many years together, a part of me felt like a liar because in all reality, I don't know how long I have left. It may be many many years - or not that many. I realize no one knows their future but each day I wake up, I'm aware that this might be the day that I find out my days are limited. I do a pretty good job of living in the moment. I do that for the whole family. For my daughter and my son, I'm sad that they have to experience life's difficulties at such a young age because of me. I hate that they think about death so much at 7 and almost 6 years of age. These moments cut me to the core. It forces all those raw fears to the surface. I'll tuck them away again and move forward. I have to......for them.

Someone gets it!

I was sitting with a potential customer a few days ago, a very senior investigator who was interested in purchasing some equipment. I was in this meeting with one of our service engineers who had brought this potential lead to my attention. Somewhere in the discussion, the service engineer mentioned I had a PhD and then asked me where I had received it. When I told him it was from M.I.T., the investigator immediately said "And you're doing this?" with regards to my sales job. But before I could respond he then pointed and said, "You have young children, don't you?" I smiled and said "Yes". He got it. Rather than looking down on me and making negative assumptions, he regarded me as someone who had most likely made a difficult decision for the sake of the family. He was right. I appreciated that.

Just Keep Hangin' On

It's been a challenging couple of months. For those of you that have followed this blog, you will know that in January I was laid off of the technical sales position that I had left 17 years of academic research experience for. The reasons for that are the same reasons women drop out of the leaky pipeline every day - family responsibilities and a need for flexibility. In the moment that I was let go from the company, a general sales position in my home town with the same company became available and given the current economic crisis, I took it, begrudgingly with the goal of leaving it as soon as I could find another position in academic administration or in technical sales. I have been bored ever since but have been struggling to stay focused and to do a decent job at something that does not interest me.

How do I know that I don't want to stay in this job? Well for one thing, there's no science involved. It doesn't challenge my mind like my academic and technical sales jobs had. Most telling though, the question I asked myself: Would I have left academics to do this job? My response is always a resounding "No".

So here I am 6 months later. I did not get the academic administrative position I really wanted. I have not been called for several technical sales positions that I would be perfect for. I am still in a position that I had hoped to be out of by now. What am I doing? I'm hanging on. It's the first time in my life I have had a job that bores me. But I need to stay in it for the financial stability of the family. Sometimes this is a problem because of my cancer diagnosis in 2007. I think "Why am I wasting my time doing something I don't like?" Then I think about the kids and the finances. It's a position most likely many Americans are in these days. So I suck it up and keep trudging along.

Each day I am challenged to maintain a part of my "self worth". It's fortunate that I never completely defined myself by my science. As my description for this blog says, I'm a scientist, mother, skater and cancer survivor as well as a wife and daughter. Still I miss the purpose my academic position gave to my life. I miss the respect that I had with that position. I consider myself a strong individual but the continuation in this job wears even on me.

So I think about the good of the family and I just keep hangin' on. I hope that better things are just around the corner.

Catching Up

A lot has happened since the last blog entry so I'm going to bullet point it to catch up:

1. The family traveled back to New England for my parent's 51st Anniversary party. The 50th party had been postponed from last year because my treatment didn't allow me to travel and even if it did, I was in no shape to do so. It was a really nice event. I saw uncles and aunts, cousins and friends that I haven't seen in years and most likely, won't again due to some of their advanced ages. My sister did most of the work as often happens with those children that live close by and she did a great job as usual. My parents entire wedding party was there (!), minus my aunt who was a bridesmaid, as she passed away several years ago. The kids met cousins they've only seen in pictures and they really enjoyed visiting Grandma and Papou's house. SciDad took some awesome photos at the party and this entry reminds me that I'm supposed to be putting together a sort of memory book from the event - ugh, add to long "when will I ever find the time to do this" list. On the way back I forgot SciYang's booster seat which cost $50 to UPS back to us. I remain impressed still at how well SciYing and SciYang travel. Only thing we missed doing was going to a sugaring shack to watch them make maple syrup. The weather was too cold for the sap to run and the big sugaring weekend was the one after we left. Maybe next year.
   


2. Aloha! My best friend and I went to The Big Island, Hawaii for my company's week long retreat (see blog entry The Twists and Turns of Life ). I had a great time and despite missing the SciKids and SciDad, I really enjoyed the break. It is the first time ever since having children that I've gone somewhere where the objective was to relax and have fun. We stayed at a great resort, and the company gave us $1000 in spending money (which was just about enough to cover our food for the week; breakfast at this resort for two was $80!) The highlight was the helicopter ride around the island, over the still active volcano and along the ocean shoreline. Probably a once in a lifetime experience. I met a lot of people in the company that I wouldn't have otherwise had the opportunity to meet and in the end, was so glad to have the opportunity to go.


3. I've made my reconstruction decision and in June, I will have breast implant surgery. Despite having had radiation and risking that this implant will only be a temporary "fix", since my surgery last year I've never waivered in my feelings towards reconstruction. I know that the more complicated surgeries to move fat and muscle from the abdomen to the breast would give me a more natural look and probably last longer, I don't want to have 6 weeks of recovery right now. My life is busy. I'm enjoying my children's activities, I'm working - I'm living..... I think SciDad still supports this decision because it's what I want. typically, where I received treatment, they won't do implants after radation because of the possible scarring and mis-shaping that can occur in a short period of time. But my surgeon, who SciDad knows academically, has agreed to do it this one time. I'm glad I waited a year to officially decide because I'm confident it's right for me right now. And as I learned in 2008, you just take it one day at a time...

It's freezing all around us

My interview for that academic administration job has now officially been cancelled. Just as I was starting to get excited about meeting and interviewing with all the important decision makers, the Institution went into "freeze mode". By that I mean a hiring freeze was put in place across the board. Apparently you can't even hire in a postdoc that you have funding for on a grant. There's no set plan for when this freeze will be lifted but it seems to have been put into place with a wide swipe of the hand. The position I was applying for they really do need someone but maybe now they will look closer within the Institute and promote up. It could open up again in the future but I think I can't count on that anymore.

I'm now in a situation I've never been in before - doing a job I don't enjoy but currently without other options. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to have a job in this economy. And it's not particularly difficult for me to do this job either. But it doesn't give purpose to my day and that's what always drove me in my academic position. I'm not prepared to give up on my future dreams just yet but I do understand that I'm no spring chicken and the longer I'm in my current position, the less marketable I will be for the types of jobs I would want to do for the second half of my career.

It's an interesting place for me to be. I knew I was gambling when I left my academic job two years ago but it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be doing something fulfilling. I had great hopes for my move to this company. Although I can look for other positions at other companies, I have a certain amount of "clout" at my current company and I'm not sure it would be smart to move somewhere where I have to build that all over again. Some days I feel confident something good is coming down the pike for me; other days I'd like to turn back the clock and go back to academics.

Thankfully though this week will be a short working week. The family is heading home to New England midweek to celebrate the parental unit's 50th wedding anniversary. It's actually their 51st but they postponed the party last year because I was in the middle of the tough chemo and couldn't travel. I'm looking forward to the party and seeing my parents but not looking forward to schlepping SciYing and SciYang half way across the country.

Honestly I'm turning into such a curmudgeon.

The Twists and Turns of Life

Life has been throwing curves - certainly hasn't been boring. It just proves that you never really know what's around the next corner.

Curve 1:

Plus: I'm going to Hawaii. As the top performing person in my 2008 biotech position (you know the one they laid me off from), I get rewarded with a trip to Hawaii for 6 days. It's part company meeting part time for relaxation and fun for those top performers in a variety of job positions. As I transitioned into a new position but stayed with the same company, I am still eligible to attend.

Minus: We couldn't get coverage for the kids so SciDad can't go. :(
Mini-curve: But my best friend who has helped me through some tough times is going to go with me.

Curve 2:

Plus: I received a call from the executive search firm regarding the academic administration position that I had interviewed for several weeks ago. They want to set up a time for a full interview so I'm still in the running.

Minus: Same day, Institution imposed a hiring freeze!!

What next?!

I've seen the lab from both sides now

Tonight I'm sitting in a hotel room near the campus of Big U where tomorrow the service engineer, who has worked this territory for years, will give me the grand tour and introduce me to some of the labs that currently use our technology. It's an interesting position to be in because for years, I was the PI that these people would come into the lab to see. And I was pretty consistently short with them - annoyed sometimes by their presence. Just people trying to sell me stuff I always mumbled.

Being on the other side now, I can tell you a couple of things:

1) It's hard work, physical work. And you spend a lot of time trying to track down PIs or lab managers.

2) More often these days your life science company account personnel are not "green behind the ears". I personally worked with another PhD. and knew of another from a different company. All came to their current jobs for different reasons -some family, some financial, some for other reasons.

3) It's not just about the sale. They really don't want to sell you something you don't need. That doesn't make sense because this creates a disgruntled customer which tends to take more time, which is time away from those good opportunities in other laboratories.

In some ways, the last two years have been a lesson in humility. So next time one of "us" walks into your lab or office, just keep an open mind.