Friday, April 06, 2007

The Silence is Deafening.......

I haven't been able to sit myself down and blog lately. Believe me, I've tried but each time I opened a new document, I shut it down. A lot has been happening since we last "spoke". Where've I been? Well, I've been deciding the fate of the next 20 years of my life. After my last blog, I had an additional dinner meeting with the VP for the Western Region of CS (Corporate Science). This person asked me less business-related and more "Are you sure you want to do this?" type questions. It did get me thinking. And that's what I've been doing for the last two weeks - thinking.

It's been a remarkable journey so far. I have been amazed at the spectrum of emotions that I have been experiencing while trying to make this decision. Just the other day, I was having lunch in the faculty dining room at my Institution by myself because SciDad was traveling. Suddenly I became very nostalgic. I started looking around at all the faculty and wondering how it would feel to be out of this fraternity we call "academics" that I've been hanging out in for the last 19 years. It made me sad. After lunch, while in the lab, I wondered how it would be to not have a lab to go to. Strange... When I left later that afternoon to pick up the kids, I felt deeply saddened.

I haven't signed on the dotted line yet. That'll probably happen next week. In the meantime, if I'm not wrong, I'm going through a grieving process. I'm losing something that I've been nurturing for 19 years. I've had highs and lows in my academic career. It's been my life since I graduated with my Ph.D. I had plans; I have unanswered questions; I have avenues of interest that I won't be able to follow. I wonder if this is the equivalent of laboratory "empty nest" syndrome. In any case, I was not prepared for the grieving. I don't know if I'll even celebrate the new avenue that my life is about to take, not yet anyway. There's so much to do. The only thing I'm quite sure of is that the times, they are a-changing.

2 comments:

lost academic said...

I don't think many of us who read your posts can understand what you feel directly, but maybe more can understand indirectly. Maybe it's partly, though, that this particular part of academia has deserted you. It's been said before, too: it's not like you can never go back.

Now I feel like I should put on a Dylan album here in my office, though.

Chuck said...

Good luck with everything.